4/4/23

Couldn't even think of a title: this is just a straight livestream of thoughts because they feel noteworthy.

What am I doing with MFBS? Why do I bother writing these entries for a purpose I get too much anxiety to actually think about? I have thought about this before and I think decided that it's just part of the process to 'recovery' (whatever that is) and fine, that's accurate, but it's more than that too.

I write because otherwise, I'll go insane - or get lost in the depression (aka dark days). That feels like an important realization. As does the thought that looking back - something I try to do as rarely as possible, for reasons of anxiety from as of yet an unidentified source - and realizing I've just chronicled my state of mind over the years. I got an app this morning on my phone to build healthy habits (my version of trying ... to do what? idk, be a better adult/lead a more fulfilling life/be proud of myself somehow. K, just keeping myself in check with that list of what the app is trying to help me accomplish. Anyways it suggested to keep a running list of everything 'to do' on your mind, like a brain dump, and keep a 'list of anxieties' near by. I realize how simple this sounds, but this could be an absolute game-changer. It would be like updating here, but more regularly & easily accessible (I guess like I've been trying to do with that planner... but I really should have it all here for consistency/not adding 'put written journal entry into MFBS' as a to-do list item. Mark Manson suggested that you have a 'fuck yes' reason for everything you do - but something about picking something with work you can hate the least. I need to re-read the article - ugh, add it to the to-do list.

MY BRAIN JUST GOES SO FAST. Typing to keep up with it all is impossible. I'm not used to writing with anyone around - I guess Mikey used to be, but he was oblivious (one of many reasons he's my #1) so it didn't feel like anyone was here. I didn't think anything of writing with Tyler here ... probably another sign I feel so comfortable with him, since I only can write knowing no one (except you Amanda,i love you) is reading this. It's the only way I can 'keep it real' as the kids say. Or maybe just I say - whatever.

My brain is psychoanalyzing myself and coming up with annoying conclusions like "what an idiot, when I look back and read these I'm going to wonder why the hell I didn't just get a life/my shit together" ... not helpful. Changing to positive thinking...

I need to catch up on sessions 2 & 3 with Dr. Prudy. I should have had one Monday but I had to reschedule and need to get in touch with her about this week. OH and, most importantly, I decided to have my mom come with me for the trip to MV. Ironically, it was her who said it best: "you don't need to do everything yourself all the time." Booking it & planning it was making me question going, so I'm glad I handed those responsibilities off to her and am going through with it.

Worst case? No, not going to think about that. Manifestation, that's right: it's going to be the best trip of my life. The therapy is going to be immensely helpful, I'll have a plan for getting off the Wellbutrin and Effexor (ugh do I have to give up my Vyvanse too? Hopefully not... TBD), and I will have a much better relationship with my mother after. AND, my taxes will be done before I leave so there'll be no financial worries.

I realize I take for granted knowing that at the end of the day, I wouldn't end up alone on the streets if I ran out of money. It would mean living with my parents, but obviously the motivation to not be homeless on the street is much higher than the motivation not to live with my parents. I need to remember to be grateful for this more often: I have choices currently. LOTS of them. I'm the only one standing in my own way.

Things are looking up... I can't decide if leaving this off on that note will potentially jynx things ... nope, it's just positive thinking/manifestation: every day I'm closer to living a life that makes me proud before I go to sleep each night.