A mess of notes all gathered here

A "True Cliches/Life Tips" Google Doc last updated 8 days ago...

why do I always think I am having a great breakthrough thought only to realize I’m quoting a cliche?

• Life’s what happens when you’re busy making other plans (seriously, so stop wasting time planning and just do it)
• Side note: I absolutely have more of these written places, I'll have to check my phone notes.
• even Brene Brown’s research about vulnerability somewhat all boils down to clichés - she advises people to speak about their embarrassments/shame to feel better… which really just means being honest (hard part is with yourself). Lots of possible cliches here: “a problem shared is a problem halved" [insert 100 cliches about the truth setting you free], etc. but this thinking led to...

My Latest Shameful Revelation:

I feel as though having depression/anxiety and being a recovering drug addict means I’m weak, even if logic/science says otherwise. I’m giving into the stigma I want to end.

--> That actually led to a lot of progress via a conversation with my dad (finally) and an even more open/honest conversation with my boss.

--> While admitting it sucks because I don't want it to be true, at least once I've ferreted the thought out of my head it's no longer driving me quite as insane - my 'anxiety from unknown sources' (which I KNOW are just chemical imbalances according to all the doctors, but it's hard accepting that while trying to deal with a panic attack that I can't even determine a cause for).

not a rule just a life tip: PUT MUSIC ON

I just need to re-make my days with more moments of lightness until suddenly the light takes over the dark… without pills to help make things light.

when in doubt, “why am I worried?” and bang them out one at a time (even just mentally)

... now I wrote that 8 days ago and already am like "damn, that is helpful, why don't I do it?" ... maybe re-reading this stuff isn't such a bad idea.

THE TRUE LIVESTREAM: Telling my dad, deciding if I could continue working or should do another outpatient program, working through my shame and denial, etc. etc. etc... all in the form of notes to my boss (the summary) and the original stream of consciousness

How do I decide what’s best?

--> I believe this was a note I tried sending via a google doc to my German boyfriend* as a way to explain the mayhem going on in my mind when I first started thinking about the info in the post published before this about heading back to a program. I likely was also trying to provide insight into the WhatsApp rambling messages I sent him while trying to process all these icky feelings. Oh how I miss being an ice queen.

*Pics or it didn't happen --> here's my soulmate, if we can ever figure out a way around the international travel ban....

Anyways, back to the pasting:

Good Problems to Have: because I have an angel that sends me the people I need in the most critical moments

There’s too many thoughts in my head.xx

I am so overtired and overwhelmed but i need to do this before I lose the idea. This is a mix of work notes and what could be a blog post … but i’m too scared to reread it all yet, my emotions need a few minutes (months) to recover from the onslaught i’ve been putting them through while attempting to seem nonchalant because i’ve felt guilty/complicit in causing my problems because of the drug use/addiction aspect and not just mental health… i need to just stop being ashamed basically but until then i can’t reread and therefore am stuck with no direction or idea of what writing style to aim tor/organizational goals. i’m still processing too much in my own head - therefore:
If you’re bored enough to take a look, let me know where I completely don’t make sense or sound off.

most importantly: how can I take it from a flow of thoughts to something that helps people too scared to get help/show myself that I have freed myself from the stigma that mental illness and addiction show weakness?

(damn sammi, I was aiming big at 5AM or whatever time I wrote that saturday - how about we start with getting over the stigma myself before worrying about proving it?)

the lack of formatting that'll copy over (which I'm sure there's a cool techy solve for on this platform but as I've mentioned, motivation's not too high lately) is going be a pain but whatever, I'll screenshot too.

FIRST, the summary, because to be honest I doubt the livestream makes much sense and this is pretty damn full of painful insights to go over with my boss (angel - I cannot picture any other manager I've ever had dealing with my mayhem, and he not only deals but he HELPS! and gives me the advice I so badly need!) anyways:

Screenshots of the teensy tiny unedited notes in case the formatting ruins the paste job:

Pasted in, just in case it's more helpful to have this way for the future:

Update on health/work schedule/plans for future as of 1/8/2021: Ideally I’ll have an answer by our check-in because the alternative means that right now is our check-in and I’m panicking seeing all of this is still here.

• The goal right now is to use all of the past 6 months’ experiences as data points in order to plan ahead as accurately as possible (your help provided me with this wonderful idea: by pointing out that my insomnia and the ensuing guilt fueling the continued anxiety was a data point I realized that if I can analyze my actions without feelings involved then surely there’s an answer somewhere).
• I need to be sure I can reliably perform “at expectations” for more than just a week or two at a time?
• Data points that I may not like or want to admit but have proven to be true in relation to performing reliably:
• I highlighted in the bullet above because writing the time frame portion of that simple goal started my brain spinning (a la, a data point!):

1. Technically I need to be sure of that forever after going forward because I am not an unreliable human - except I have been, and therefore I need to work with reality and accept that ‘technically’ and ‘normally’ don’t apply anymore.
2. Realistically there’s going to be mayhem ahead with the upcoming neuro eval January 26th and whatever results that produces - and the whole ‘gotta tell mom’ situation. Do parents ever stop being a consideration in one’s professional life? I assume yes for most people, but again no more assuming normalcy here… I hate this.
3. IN CONCLUSION (of this one single thought), here’s the question: at what point does my inability to predict further out than X time render any days of work I do useless? Is there a point of diminishing returns like we discussed when I first started working again about how coming back full force then removing myself from the middle of a bunch of work would be worse than not coming back yet? Yes, obviously - thank you for being more aware of my limitations than I was, because I can see now that I am lucky to not have many high-intensity/time-sensitive projects or meetings. That is no longer a conclusion or question. It’s going to be a long night.

• HONESTY IS KEY! Particularly with myself seeing as that seems to be more difficult than I ever anticipated, but I promise to always be as honest and open as you are willing to listen to (and please tell me when to shut up, I’ll never be offended).
• A desire to be able to work efficiently (or at all) has not proven to be enough proof of future actual performance. In fact, it’s almost proof I won’t be reliable since wanting to work means I’m unable to imagine working at that moment and just hoping some intangible thing in the future changes me back into my regular working self (not the manic working self… but this is not the time to fall into any emotional shame surrounding the potential multiple personalities I’m giving myself here)

1. How is this possible? Shouldn’t I have some will-power? Not against depression, that’s a data point I can’t dispute no matter how much I want to - I’ve had better luck working through panic attacks, because at least I feel something.
2. The dark days, that’s what I need to be able to predict! There’s a data point to work towards: I don’t need to predict my exact future moods/feelings/mental health levels, I just need to be able to avoid (or at the very least, predict ASAP) the dark days.

• The emotional upheaval caused by discussing it all with my parents is clearly not the “no big deal” conversation I wanted it to be (granted I’d like to think lack of sleep played a part in the mess that was Monday), and it’ll be even more intense with my mom. Will putting this off cause more or less anxiety? Should I get it over with before even trying to make a decision about my ability to function as a working member of society? My logical brain says yes, but reality says that if I call her and tell her she’ll be on a plane here faster than I could escape.

1. Based on telling my dad, there was the initial overwhelming day or 2 of letting my brain get used to the idea of him knowing, but by Wednesday I felt back to normal. To be honest though, I think my conversation with you Monday was more useful in getting me back on track than it being related to any sort of relief from him knowing - the relief is an obvious positive, even if it’s not as much as it would be from having the matter of telling my mom off my hands.
2. Reality: I can’t do anything about telling her until I am able to see her, so once the Blakes get their 2nd vaccination in 4 weeks I’ll revisit this nonexistent/uninformative point.

• Data Point: lack of sleep is not an option if I want to be reliable → I need to get into a routine with a set sleep schedule (the irony of writing this and realizing it’s 3:43AM is not lost on me)
• Effects → Missed meetings, making 0 sense in any communications because I’m not fully aware/awake, and then once I am awake/aware I’m panic-stricken in damage mode due to guilt from missing things and making no sense.
• Pro: offers slight predictability in terms of knowing before I eventually drift off to a troubled sleep, but I need to rationally explain the issue to Jordan ASAP - and what if there are meetings (i.e. like monday’s sprint planning)? Have a back-up plan for all meetings? Doesn’t sound feasible… but at least currently there aren’t any important ones I’m running other than the BM tooling and thankfully that’s much later in the day - AH but I even missed that once! How’d that happen? Lack of sleep again… I was napping off and on that day and any thoughts of my schedule were as meaningless to my brain as the dreams I had while napping.
• No napping allowed, and I need to keep myself away from all methods of communication if I’m going to be a zombie. Denver’s going to need some serious training to be more useful here...
• Data Point: panic attacks → can I still be reliable or at least predict them? Again the cause is always unknown (therefore making me more miserable because who on earth panics about nothing!?), timing unknown, ability to admit in the future unknown because so far I barely allow myself to grasp what’s happening. Must work on that.

1. Bright side: I generally can work through them unless they’re so bad I make myself physically sick, and that hasn’t happened in awhile. I don’t think I’ve had one that impacted work since I did the outpatient program - although I’ve learned my ability to repress memories is absurdly powerful.

• Great. I have the power to repress bad memories, yet none to understand why they occur or when they will occur. THAT IS NOT HELPFUL SAMMI STOP.
• I am slowly accepting this may just be the new normal and that there’s not a great “end in sight” date for when I’ll be healed: reality says I’ll likely be learning to adapt rather than healing, but I’m holding on to a little hope that maybe the right balance of meds and lifestyle changes and therapy can help enough that I feel healed.
• Repeat Rate Dashboard → did I conquer my anxiety induced procrastination fears!? … hours ago, this was my first bullet. That’s a data point: my life is such a disaster that even when attempting to discuss work first I ended up with a page of “notes”. I do not like what the data points are saying, to which I’d normally say “not my problem, the data is what it is” … except it is my problem.
• Data Point based on previous check-in notes (or lack thereof): I had sourced my depressed state to starting at Thanksgiving, but what on Earth was I doing in October besides overthinking repeat rates?
• Why do these dumb repeat rates inspire such fear in me when I came up with the logic and therefore should be completely confident in it because I know it inside out upside down and backwards - no one can even say it’s wrong since it’s so complex (and inarguably accurate thanks to the weighted repeat scores you helped me work through - great work all around, yet I’m scared of it? Why? This feels important… and suddenly blindingly obvious. I’m afraid of failing? Why would I rather the logic be sitting doing nothing than at least existing somewhere people can look at? That makes no sense, but seeing as that’s a theme here I’ll assume it’s the truth… I guess it means that having it nowhere except my head/saved in scripts means no one can ask about them/for them/for modifications on them… except I loved making the Easy Button and still do, so that cancels that theory. In general they don’t tell a great story, but that’s never bothered me before. I’m baffled at myself with this one, my only thought is that because I’ve put it off for so long it’s done a molehill to mountain on me- no, better analogy would be it’s turned from a beautiful garden into an impassable poisoned jungle.
• Back to the old notes → The fact that ‘stop using work as a hobby’ was at one point a very relevant note is another pitiful data point my therapist would use to say I’m still giving in to the “all or nothing thinking” that is apparently the root of all my evils (or at least most). Alright so if that’s what I focus on as a key issue instead of trying to predict when I’ll be completely useless (i.e. the dark days) then maybe I just need to try and force myself to the middle. Is it a dumb goal to just work a damn 8 hour day, no less no more? Not a dumb goal, just a seemingly needless one… but obviously it’s needed or I wouldn’t be writing this mess.
• Alright that was useless, maybe if I can get the repeat rate dashboard done I’ll have some clarity around my capabilities in the future? What am I so afraid of or why am I so sad when I have no reasons to be worried and I’m incredibly grateful with the state of my life - all of it EXCEPT the mental illnesses. Sigh. Am I doomed to be in the land of misfit toys - a broken toy - forever? (That’s a Cindy-ism, she’s the fan favorite clinician of Mollie, Joey, and me: the first night I attended a session she said “welcome to the land of misfit toys” and I instantly felt a bit better about being there at all. That being said, I’d like to think I will not be one of those people forever cycling in and out of outpatient programs… there’s got to be a way I can pull myself together, brain chemicals be damned.)
• Data Point (might as well keep trying): Mondays are always the hardest based on the past 6 months - which oddly is an improvement from before the outpatient program when I was truly all over the place. Then again, that might be wishful thinking in the sense that yes once I start working it’s the biggest hurdle overcome, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that starting the week has resulted in finishing it.
• Data Point: I thought that all of this mayhem was being caused by my own self-medicating and yet here I am. What does that say about my future? I’m terrified to find out.