alive again.

Dear MFBS,
Thank you for enlightening me that I had to truly quit ALL pills (even my prescribed vyvanse) in order to reset my life/brain before making any decisions about the future. January was the strangest month ever: after running out of vyvanse & etizolam (aka fake xanax) after Christmas, I felt terrible. I cannot believe how deluded I was in thinking that I wasn't relying on any benzos just because I didn't really feel the effects. It truly wasn't until I wrote here that I realized what a problem it was. Thanks to being miserable even while taking kratom, adderall (vyvanse is so expensive without health insurance that my doc switched me - awful idea), and etizolam, I FINALLY took my own advice from my post awhile ago and went through the misery of stopping all of it. I was taking way less than I was back in my heyday of drug abuse, but I didn't consciously realize how much guilt I was causing myself until I finally stopped it all.  The catch? I DID NOTHING FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH. The subconscious is a crazy crazy thing.

Not kidding, here's how January went:

• Felt sickly at first so read my kindle in bed all day to distract myself
• Managed to walk Maige - she was the only reason I left the apartment
• I answered NO texts/calls except for my mom and sister occasionally so they'd know I was alive
• Social media didn't exist to me
• All my lovely attempts at planning/having a routine/meditating/yoga were laughable in my miserable state
• I couldn't drive to Florida because I felt so sick (this was the beginning of the detox... ugh I hate that I had to detox for the millionth time, but whatever)
• Even after I stopped feeling sickly, I still spent all day reading my kindle in bed - the only change was that I spent more time walking Maige
• Applying for unemployment each week (which takes 2 minutes) felt like a colossal effort
• Every day felt the same because I did nothing - when I'd panic about doing nothing with my life I'd scurry back into fantasy land reading my book
• Taking classes or applying for jobs was as laughable as my attempts at a routine
• I did still take a little kratom eventually because I was afraid I'd make a stupid decision (i.e. finding stronger opiates) and it didn't get me out of bed but I felt less physically ill
• I was so concerned by my lack of motivation that I stopped taking even my antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds! Then my mom told me that was the stupidest thing I could possibly do, so I'm back on them.
• Cleaning? No chance. My apartment was a mess.
• Hygiene? Forget about it. I maybe showered once a week.

Back to life:

I finally dragged myself to visit my sis and the kids the last weekend in January. Leaving the house and socializing with other humans felt so strange after spending so long inside my head - I almost bailed, but thank goodness I didn't, because I credit that visit with jump-starting my re-entry to the land of the living. Also, I gave in and went back on Vyvanse - doctor prescribed of course. I finally made an appointment with her that I have to pay almost $300 for ... and the Vyvanse was another $300, so hopefully needing health insurance will motivate me to get a job. That, and my dwindling bank balance. I've of course over-thought taking the Vyvanse to death, but ya know what future self? DEAL WITH IT. Think of it like an antidepressant. Plus, I felt better immediately after visiting sissy - yes eventually the Vyvanse helped, but it made me feel like less of a drug addict to know I could function without it once I got to a better mental state. So, what did I learn from this?

Positive thinking: stop berating myself for being useless in January and just remember I was working on my mental health. Similarly - and this is straight from a dream I had which is a bit odd but cool - stop panicking about drug use as long as it's doctor prescribed.* There are worse things than reading books!
Talk to someone: I stopped paying for therapy, but that doesn't mean I couldn't share my concerns with my friends and family. I don't know why I get silent when I'm in a funk like that, but this taught me that sharing my worries (no matter how stupid they sound) helps get me out of my own head.
Drug abuse, suicide, or doing nothing? Yeah, I was so down that those felt like my 3 options... so picking doing nothing was okay! And since I no longer count doctor prescribed meds as drug abuse, I can continue existing in the land of the living.

Ooh how quickly things changed in only a week:

• I applied for jobs and got an AMAZING recruiter thanks to my dear friend from Wayfair (first friend ever, desk buddies!)
• I got a part time job at Dogtopia, a doggy day care/boarding facility yesterday! They offered me the job on the spot, I am so excited because I'll be able to bring Maige and use their services for free!
• Signed up for creating social media content for pet brands after a call with the company 'pet creative' ... TBD if this is an awful or awesome idea, I'll know after the 7pm zoom call.
• There's 1 more thing to add in the category of jobs/making money... but I'm not ready to type it out yet. maybe next time.
• Socialization
  —> I went to visit Maige's boyfriend (Dutch's) a couple times
  —> broke up with my boyfriend who I hadn't seen in months anyways
  —> helped Lauren with baby Lila's first birthday: slept over & talked to all the party guests without bailing until everyone left!
  —> Facetimed with matt, aka my bff since 2nd grade that I haven't seen since his wedding. Friends you can talk to after years apart without missing a beat are truly priceless.
  —> went on hinge (the dating app) for the first time since July! Even better? I had a great date Saturday and am talking to some other phenomenal seeming guys!
  —> My texts are no longer over 100 unread... unbelievably, I read them ALL without even thinking of it as a chore! It was nice to remember that my friends exist that's for sure <3 talking to my favorite aunt & cousin (love you Em!) helped so much.
  —> checking my linkedin and instagram messages (which I had been so scared to do for whatever reason) was even fun!

ALSO, I've had some thoughts about my future bestseller... I'll save them for a post after I walk Maigey Girl.

*UGH fine, in the name of full transparency since that's what this is for... I recently ordered more of the research chemical similar to xanax (it has a new name now) and I know that the combo is causing a lot of my motivation... BUT I had a fine week without it before it arrived.

... written a few days ago, posting 2/14/23 @ 1:45AM