ALL the things

So many updates... I have said goodbye to all the antidepressants/anti-whatever else, because I was praying it would help force me into some motivation. Luckily, despite taking awhile, it seems to be working. I've been trapped in this dark dark place for months - since the beginning of January, just completely disassociating from the world. In fact, I have writing I meant to publish here a couple weeks ago... found it! Drumroll please - jk, in fact it's a bit depressing but whatever:

"Drowning, but back" (From Early-March)

I wasn’t even logged in to MFBS on this phone I got a few months ago - how quickly something can become obsolete! Can’t let that happen to my future bestseller, I have to hang on to my sanity somehow.

Being 100% sober feels … a lot. Like reality is crashing in on you and it’s sensory overload. At least personally that’s my experience, and it causes me to just shut down - disassociate, as my favorite psychiatrist has said. I’m working on not shutting down … easier said than done.

Life is on a lull, but I have to just think of it as healing time and be at peace with that or I’m going to go insane. Hiding out reading my kindle most of the time isn’t the worst thing. Am I living? Not exactly, but at least I’m 1- alive 2- sober 3- debt free. I mean, things could be way worse, so I have to let go of this annoying guilt/shame I feel for not having much ambition/motivation past being alive.

I don’t know, hopefully I’m getting back to the land of the living - to stay.

Hello, land of the living (3/29/24 - current)

Well, on that lovely note above, at least I can safely say I've maintained my 'in the land of the living' status. A coincidence that my months without ANY drugs at all were also the dark months? Likely not. Maybe total sobriety isn't for me... all I know is, if I had stayed on that path I'd have ended up reverting all the hard work I had done. After quitting the job I worked for over a YEAR to get (an analytics job, remote, back in 'my field' ... psht, what is a career?) I was so ashamed/felt like such an idiot for not being able to get past the mental block of thinking I needed opiates to do my job that it almost pushed me into taking a trip to Boston just to find some and 'get my head back on straight.' ... no, the irony isn't lost on me, but that's truly how it feels in those moments. It's as if I'll never be able to do anything again. Dramatic? Absolutely. But even just writing here felt like such a faraway experience - it crossed my mind a few times, but I was so barely hanging on to reality as it was that the thought of analyzing the awfulness in my head was not an appealing one.

It's weird - it's all weird. Obviously, it's all mental ... do I know how to ensure I don't fall back into that darkness? Not quite, but on the bright side, instead of sticking with that hard won analytics career and risking falling down that slippery slope back to the land of happy productivity (opiates - painkillers, although the cravings were so bad at one point I'd have settled for anything) I have done quite a complete 180 - not just doing nothing anymore, but doing all sorts of things:

1. Penfold Fence Company ... because Dutch is the best friend in the world and we're a dream team, so I'm taking care of the back-end/office work for his fence company (like this lovely - if not a bit plain - website). Why does this computer work not bother me? My therapist (who I finally talked to for the first time since November yesterday) asked me this, and my only thought is that it's completely different from my old work therefore it doesn't bring up old thought patterns/habits.
2. Dog sitting/walking: After months of saying I would start picking up shifts on Rover & Wag, I finally started! Even being bitten by an unruly husky after chasing her through the woods for an hour for the measly price of less than the cost of gas it took me to get there left me in a better mood than doing nothing would have, so that's a win. Maybe not exactly the greatest career growth, but I was out of the house so I'll take it.
3. I GOT A PART TIME JOB AS A VET ASSISTANT! No one was more surprised than me, but after panic-quitting my analytics job I knew I needed something so I jumped on the first thought I had: "I'll go back to school to be a vet tech." It required 20 hours of observation to even apply, so I emailed the vet I take Maige to in SC just to see if they'd be okay with me doing the hours. They were, I finished them, and honestly may have never thought about going back to school if not for being offered the actual job weeks later, because by then the fence company became real and I was pouring my energy into that.
4. Vet tech school - instead of signing up for the one I originally applied to, Trident Tech, I decided to do an online program because the vets at the place I'm working said I'd be able to get the clinical practice while working and it would make up for not being in a group/class setting. Hopefully they're right and I can keep myself focused ... the fact it's 2AM and I'm writing this after making updates to the ProPet website instead of doing the next course like I promised myself hours ago isn't great, but at least I'm not curled in bed with my kindle? Taking the wins where I can.
5. Dating ... here's where things get tricky(er). My all or nothing behavior obviously has come out "all" in full force lately after months of absolutely nothing - but when it comes to dating, I already know from experience it's a recipe for disaster. Hell, all or nothing behavior in general is a recipe for disaster, but with dating it takes on a certain kind of ... even more frantic quality. It's like I worry if I don't force myself on a million dates while I'm 'willing to be social' then I'm doomed to be alone forever. I need to get rid of that thinking and focus on what Dr. P said: think about the qualities I want in a partner, start to embody them myself, and then (and only then) can I even consider seriously dating anyone. Luckily, she did say dating is good practice for socializing as long as I don't get my feelings too tangled up ... so far so good on that front, so that's a win.
6. Adult things. Ya know, car registrations, taxes, health insurance... all the shit I've been literally too depressed to even care when they (infrequently) would cross my mind. Finally getting it all sorted out, and even finding a place to live when our lease is up at the end of May.

I know... I am the epitome of 'ALL' right now

Oooof, I am annoying myself. Despite being very satisfied with the fact I'm no longer spending 90% of my time in bed reading a book, I am self aware enough to realize the drastic sway to doing ALL the things is not sustainable and how I always end up right back where I started. I have got to find some balance, grounding, etc. etc.

Even just reading what I wrote earlier this month and copied up top vs. what I'm writing now, I feel more manic/wired/'all'/WHATEVER you want to classify my brand of insanity as... but how can that be worse than feeling nothing? I guess it isn't, I just have to work on figuring out this whole staying grounded idea. As always, I'm sure yoga and meditation are the solution... 4 years in, maybe I'll finally make them regular habits? At this rate, I certainly believe in miracles, so I'll hope for the best. No, not hope... I'll manifest the best ;)

...Is now the time?

Last night I posted a picture on MFBS instagram of a tweet on the long-forgotten MFBS twitter (X, whatever) ... so much of this stuff was started so long ago, that it's absolute mayhem. I could do overhaul it and make it nice and readable with pictures from old journals as I had kinda always thought I would... but maybe just slowly not keeping this such a secret is the better solution. Who the hell would take the time to read all my rambling besides the few trusted souls who've been by my side through this whole journey anyways?

HAH. Just saw my tweet from last night, and it certainly hits the nail on the head: