ambushed part 1

ugh, I can't figure out right from wrong or up from down anymore. Where's the line dividing 'selfish' from 'setting boundaries'/'not being a people pleaser'? How do people know if they're 'staying in the comfort zone' or truly just saying no to something they don't want to do? ...most importantly, what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't seem to just get my shit together enough to function??

a late emo phase?

I don't know why my walls are covered with crazy shirts (some are nice and wholesome - they're not all swears and mayhem!) or why I dyed my hair 2382 times so that now it's green, purple, blue, and pink. Do I care? No! Why? Because I'm not doing fucking painkillers. Should I be getting off the suboxone without being monitored by a doctor? No. A lot of illogical factors went into that impulsive choice... but at the end of the day - whether it was good, bad, happy, sad, awful, depressing, productive or WHATEVER type of day - if I haven't gotten high on painkillers then it's a goddamn win. Am I willing to lose all my friends and family over this?

A week ago I would have said yes without hesitation due to the reasoning that "anyone who is worth love or friendship will understand" but suddenly I'm questioning this. I am a stubborn fuck that refuses help... for better or worse, because while refusing help I fucking clearly need someone to tell me what to do. Annoying? Yes. But I'm also fairly certain it's the only way to get anything through my thick skull.. so while I appreciate certain anyone that wants to help, the best way they can help me is just to leave me alone until I am able to come up for air again. I am so offended that my parents claimed to be worried I'd hurt myself - when have I ever EVER suggested anything like that to her or been anything other than bright and shiny!? Wasn't that the point of doing drugs/getting high all the time, keeping that 'happy go lucky' attitude?

...I don't know. I really don't. I wish I was writing here with some revelations, or a a plan, even an embarrassing lesson learned. Instead, I'm just... confused, and yet somehow I know I need to get it written down. Will I re-read it when I'm up at 3AM later this week overthinking everything leading up to the current point of my life and gain some insight? Probably not. In fact, almost definitely not - rereading my own thoughts kills me. It's so embarrassing I'd end up never writing anything, and I need to. It's the only way I can survive: getting all the thoughts jumping to be heard in my head out onto this page so that I can attempt to look at my current situation without the panic alarm going off in my head.

Yeah, seriously, the loudest alarm ever but only in my head

... does that make me crazy? Some would say yes, but thanks to my in depth experience with mindfulness/self-help books/memoirs of addicts/etc etc etc I know that I'm not the only one dealing with trying to breathe through a panic that exists despite there being no monster chasing me. I am struggling so hard to explain to people what the fuck it means to be horribly anxious or panicked about nothing. Literally nothing - I don't even know if leaving the house or socializing is accurate, because I can't wait for Allie's wedding (both) and I take Denver to the park all the time. Plus, NJ was here 2 weekends in a row and far from minding his company I enjoyed it. I honestly am shocked - but that's a story for another day.

Why? Because I have to go talk to my parents...*

Yepp, that's right.
My personal instagram and facebook have been deleted because while taking shots in the dark at what's "wrong" with me (because of course it's not until I'm antisocial for a year including not visiting/answering her texts that she decides something is wrong immediately) she hit on 'uncharacteristic pictures', 'a cry for help' and some other BS that ya know what? Maybe it is true - in fact, it probably is. As I keep saying, I don't even trust my own judgement. That being said... as long as I'm not snorting painkillers I don't care what I'm doing!! Everyone said to get a hobby right? Well, I DID! Yes, it's a lot of them, but I've never lied about the fact I get bored quickly... besides, I still make candles, use my yoga swing, bake cookies (the best kind obviously), and obviously exercise my bff Denver.

What do I want?

Them to leave. Okay, they're not leaving, so what do I want: to survive the next few days working as much as possible. Sammiiiiii!? If you had a genie, you know you'd make your first wish to be free of these shackling meds - prescribed or not, they're still just legally feeding an addiction. At least at the amounts I need... womp womp. But now she's just laying here. All I want to do is be alone - far too often I know, and maybe everyone's nice and having a support network would be better... but I like the little one I have. And in my opinion, I'm the only one allowed to make decisions on who knows what about my life - if dad wants to tell her he can go for it and then understand why I've been keeping quiet. I AM OUT OF THE WOODS - if I decide to relapse for weeks then I'll reconsider... no use making my chemically unbalanced brain even worse with her pestering-

4/20/21 - the following morning at 10AM

Ironically last night my mom interrupted my typing in the middle of the word "pestering" so I finished it then added the line because when all else fails at least I'm sticking to my unfiltered thoughts rule.

To repeat what I've said to my well-intentioned friends, I KNOW I'M BEING ILLOGICAL! (sorry Joey, you got the brunt of it but you know it's because I love you guys the most). What's the right thing to do? Have a nice open honest conversation with my parents about the past decade of drug abuse and then rehab/the past year of trying to navigate life sober. My sister did accurately sum up the fact that anything different I do now is going to seem "unlike me" since I was a pro at hiding my drug use, but that's not completely alleviating my annoyance at the fact people care enough to talk about my "not like me" posts on insta- heyyy wait, as I've said to malfy: you're no one until someone takes the time to publicly criticize you. Maybe instead of deleting my personal insta I should have just said "hello world, yes I was snorting painkillers and taking pretty much any other pill I could get my hands on for the last decade - so feel free to discuss amongst yourselves freely now that it's confirmed information, at least you'll be able to say it's straight from the source."

...that's probably why I deleted my social media, so that I couldn't say any such thing. Not bad yesterday-Sammi, not bad at all.

Why am I so mad?

I know Joey's right (him and everyone else who has said to just talk to them about it because they want to help) and what's worse is I am 10000% sure that getting what I think I want (them to leave) is just going to make me feel guilty after. Luckily I'm using that as motivation to finally start IOP - thank you [REDACTED NAME] for better understanding how to get me to do something than just about everyone else in my life. Ugh I need to be more consistent about using names or not ... going with not seeing as clearly I'm more of a hot topic than I thought (people must really be fucking bored during this pandemic) so let's see, what to call the nice guy who has helped me navigate the world of post-PHP/IOP/rehab life... he did run a sober house called Dean's house... nice, Mr. Dean! I typed bean at first which almost was funnier because it rolls off the tongue, but if I can't remember my code names then this will really turn into a confusing mess. Replacing his name above seemed too confusing so I went with the brackets - redacted sounds more official.

Anyways, I'm mad because I cannot fathom how or why my parents thought ambushing me on a Monday morning was the right way to go about "helping" me. Somehow no one except Mikey seems to understand that telling me what to do, no matter how well intentioned or logical, is not the way to get me to do anything - it's actually the opposite. I have been working on my asinine need for independence to the point of being obtusely stubborn in therapy, but so far it hasn't taken. I've even joked about it with my boss about playing mind games with myself as a form of twisted motivation! "I need to have someone tell me I can't finish the project so that I am more motivated than ever to prove them wrong... but I also need to actually believe they said it without me telling them to" - that's 100% in my PD notes somewhere. The notes I should be summarizing if I want to finish my work today and then enjoy the time with Mollie before ambush round 2 starts... ugh. I feel better just for typing this, but just to really get every annoyed thought out before trying to focus on work I'll revert back to my livestreaming ways and just type as they come. Ready, set...

GO

The worst part of everything is the guilt, particularly since as always I'm my own worst enemy. All I have to do is have an open honest conversation with them - well actually not even both of them, just my mom. Didn't I feel better after telling my dad? yes, but that's because I did it on my own terms - in fact, I spent a bit of time regretting even telling him yesterday since it clearly backfired and the number 1 priority is to still ensure mom's feelings aren't hurt. Why do I care so much that not hurting her overly sensitive feelings is priority number 1? Hmm.. I guess I'm selfish. Which I already know, and am already guilty about - however, despite my absurdly illogical timing of being selfish when it means denying offers of help from my parents, I don't care. Thank fucking hell that relapsing would only prove them right and that I do need more help, otherwise that'd be the result of the 'fuck-it's' as my fave clinician always said.

I'm mad because I'm a stubborn pain in the ass, and I've made it this far without their help so the fact they want to show up now as a way to be supportive despite my lack of appreciation (outright disdain/anger - one of the first things she said was "we know you didn't ask us to come" ... or was it that I didn't want them to? either way, clearly it's OBVIOUS) is making me so angry I can physically feel the anger. At least I'm feeling my feelings! Thanks Zara, you are a good big sister (link to book too, because it's worth it). On that note, what are these feelings I'm meant to be embracing/accepting/feeling/sitting with/etc. right now?

let's list off the damn feelings:

1. Mad
2. Pissed off
3. Angry and all other synonyms for anger
4. frustrated
5. conflicted - clearly the obviously right answer is to have the nice open honest conversation they came here for, but I'm letting my stubbornness get in the way.
6. Stubborn (figured it deserved its own line) - what am I being stubborn about? Being independent. and ya know what? I'm sick of beating myself up for it already and they haven't even left. why? Because I also feel 1 tiny good thing still that most likely is causing all the destructive feelings:
7. INDEPENDENT. I did this - I got myself into trouble, and am now getting myself out. If I had needed help so badly that I was willing to accept it forced upon me then it would have been last year at this time. WHY NOW!?

ah, the answer to why now is obvious even though it's annoying: because I haven't been answering their texts even more than normal (yeah, them and the rest of the world - I wish it was like the old days where there was only a single phone line per house... maybe then this wouldn't be happening) and more importantly:

I didn't make it to visit my sister. Granted this is not her fault, it's mine, but I wasn't willing to risk backsliding just to force myself to take the trip. There's such a fucking fine line between knowing what's "stepping out of your comfort zone" aka a good thing vs. when I should be saying no that I'm pretty sure I've totally lost sight of which is which.

Alright, so I feel like shit and know that the number 8 on that feelings list is a boatload of guilt for being an ungrateful brat at age 30... but when all is said and done, there's only so much I can do to change how I feel. Forcing myself to have a nice lovely open honest conversation tonight may be the best choice ever, and if I make it i'll be sure to write about how it was stepping out of my comfort zone rather than whatever I'm trying to make it out to be in order to allow this stubborn streak to continue (saying no/setting boundaries I think? being selfish but in a self-care type way? idk, but I know my brain is holding on to some shred of reasoning or else I'd have written out a letter explaining everything - I haven't even had a desire to do that and it's the easy way out!). That being said, I have made a plan to alleviate the onslaught of guilt headed my way starting when they leave:

1. Intake tomorrow (finally - about damn time kiddo)
2. Starting the program Monday - yes, that goes along with intake, but it feels better on its own line since this part is virtual but more of a time commitment whereas the other requires leaving the safety bubble of home without Denver.
3. Apologizing? Maybe... but does it count if I already know what the 'right' thing to do is? My dad asked something along the lines of if I wanted no family to care about me or to be an island of one, and as horrible as it is, I'd be lying if in that moment it didn't sound pretty damn nice.

Maybe I'm not scared of dying alone - maybe my biggest fear is more like being smothered to death by love than withering away from loneliness. Dark? yes. Accurate? maybe, or maybe I'm just mad and hurting because I know I'm being ungrateful and don't know the 'right' or better/healthier way to deal with it. I only know how to be me... whoever that is. And apparently, whoever I am is STUBBORN AS FUCK. there's a win, at least I'm learning something about myself.

Anything else before I can get to the job I'm being paid to do? A list of why I'm infuriated at every inaccurate suggestion she made while now realizing she actually knows the truth? No, because it'll just make me angry again. I never thought I'd say this, but I am actually excited to dive into my repeat rate logic and pretend there's no such thing as the world outside my room. HEY AND, future sammi, while you're busy beating yourself up over this: also remember that you did finally meditate this morning (and that typing that made me leave off on a real smile for the first time in 24 hours).

to be continued...

*If you're reading this someday: sorry but right now not sorry, this was an unnecessary ambush.