apathy defined

I'm turning 32 tomorrow and just got denied a job I thought I wanted therefore am back to having no idea what to do with my life. the problem? i just don't care. where do people find their ambition/motivation/drive? and where the hell can I find mine? my cell phone is filled with unread texts and yet I just can't be bothered to  dig myself out of the miserable pit I'm in.

Maybe it's the meds?

That question is always on my mind: is this me or the medication? but I need to stop thinking that way (and quit the kratom, more importantly, but god forbid I think about that for more than a second) because I'm clearly not going to be tapered off all of them anytime soon, so me on meds is just me now. I guess it's not all that different from getting high on percs all the time - except it's an "always" feeling rather than the highs and lows. Granted, these past few days have been pretty damn low ... low enough to feel not much better than while detoxing.

HOW IS THAT STILL POSSIBLE!?!? I mean I guess technically I know that 'post acute withdrawal' symptoms can last for up to 18 months and I have only been off the suboxone since March... i don't know.

All I know is I'm tired, I don't want to talk to anyone (despite how terrible that feels to even type), and I definitely am not in a celebration mood.

Which reminds me...

I had the most morbid thought earlier: has a serial killer ever encountered a suicidal victim? someone that was just like 'oh you're going to kill me? nice, I'm pretty tired of existing to be honest, I'd rather not be in pain for too long but whatever' ... probably not. survival instincts and all that. but it came about while I had my many times per day thought of "I'm really tempting fate/being an idiot leaving my door unlocked" (maybe now I'll lock it) which, in my dark moments*, always ends with thinking 'fuck it.'

...I have got to find a better mentality for life than this horrible 'fuck it' mode. It's not the nice "don't give a fuck" mark manson style - it's the straight up 'i literally just don't care enough about anything to do anything besides the bare minimum for existence' version. aka major depression I guess... well no, not guessing, for certain... but it really fucking sucks.

*which feels like always even though I know it wasn't long ago that I thought real progress was being made.

I feel like I should be crying while typing this - it's so dark, but once again: I just can't bring myself to care enough to even be that sad. depression isn't sadness, it's apathy: at least for me.

Silver lining? I want to say 'I can only go up from here' but I suppose it's a good thing that I recognize from experience that I absolutely can fall much further down. Every time I think about finding a passion I come back to thinking about 'my future bestseller' and what that even means to me ... and while my thoughts have been circling closer to an answer, for now it's a necessary outlet to keep any grip on sanity I can find.