Baby Steps

TBD on a title, but I'm writing this because I can't find my damn AWARE journal/planner and I need to capitalize on my desire to plan since it's rarer than a crocodile in clothes (idk). Plus, my mental to-do list is going to drive me insane if I don't get it all down somewhere, so I'll start there by emptying my brain of it all.
--after writing the post--
Perfect title, because while I may have listed out essentially an entire week's worth of shit to do and new routines to have I will remember that doing even just 1 of the 100000 things is a win.

Mental To-Do's OUT of My Brain, but Here:

Call Mike back from Square Med to schedule next appt with Dr. C - MUST get her to fill out the form from Wayfair!!!! I think it's due Friday?
Text Jordan after ... oh, here's one that should come first:
Book a trip for some solo hiking with Denver this week, or start IOP with Neil.
Regardless of which I choose, this week will NOT be spent laying in bed wishing I was dead. Why? Because I wasted 1 week of my medical leave doing that, and all it ended with was an attempted distraction via romance and heartache.
AH! READ what my dear friend A sent!!!! Seriously, why has it taken so long? I'm-
Get the car mirror fixed after jumping it... maybe that's why it's taken so long, I can't even write it on a to-do list without something coming up (Mikey just informed me the car is dead. sigh.)
Therapy, get your ass to talkspace Sammi - you need it. If you don't think so, look at the saved screenshots of the latest insanity that are saved on the phone not to torture myself but to never forget the lessons learned.
oooh make some money with stocks! (just got a price alert I had set on AmeriTrade) – penny stocks need far more attention than I initially realized, as proven by the price I got LTNC at vs. what Shane got it at. Tiny prices = HUGE volatility.
Code code code! I need a better plan than that clearly, since everyone I talk to asks the same questions and I don't know how to answer them (it all comes back to 'well what do you want to do?' and apparently 'learn how to be the best hacker ever' isn't a helpful answer in terms of making a plan).
I think that's all, if not I'll update.
ADVENTURE: better tracking, because it was helping until I stopped actually checking off the letters each day. clearly that's important.
V = Veggies = remember the 'new mindset, who dis' journal note I made? Yes, I do, because it said something about a smoothie to which I wrote "maybe find a smoothie recipe for total greens?"
More strawberry protein drinks until I find said smoothie.
Please stop eating ice cream for dinner and air head extremes/soft bites for breakfast.
Alarm clock! (order on amazon along with another catch-it and leash for denver unless a miracle occurs and J doesn't hate me enough to allow for me to pick up the originals... would it be manifesting to pretend I think he will? Or just setting myself up for disappointment? I'll have to ask Mollie).
Okay that amazon order expanded really fast in my head so listing it out quickly: alarm clock, board for tracking ADVENTURE, picture frames (which means I need to add 'print pictures')...
Print pictures... maybe get my prescription from CVS at the same time? No, because I'll end up on my computer until well past dark if I try that.
Write out that prayer lots of places so I remember it!
Organize the absolute mayhem of where I write everything out, because it's killing me to realize how often I go through the same exact learning cycles even when I write down my lessons learned. I am not Dory, time to improve the short term memory - and until then, at the very least I need to centralize where I spit out the overflow of thoughts/different planners/journals/notes/files/etc.

Next Steps?

Literally: what is my day going to look like from 1PM onwards?

After I finish writing this, I'll navigate over to talkspace and listen to the last messages + make sure I'm held accountable for becoming a monk (wasn't joking about that) and also for whatever routine I come up with. Maybe mention that I'm doing a shit job of figuring out how to not be a perfectionist or even recognizing when I'm engaging in 'all or nothing' thinking/behavior.

While at the computer still, look at my emails - answer/action on any if needed, but most importantly is to read Amanda's writing and provide feedback <3

Lastly on this lovely computer: check out AirBnB for trips close enough to be an easy ride, but far enough to get away for a couple days.

Ideally, I can do all of that by 2-2:30 then eat and take denver to the park! (FOOD SAMMI - eat please.) CVS AFTER THE PARK!!! AND MAKE DENVER A VET APPOINTMENT!!!!!! fuck, first I need his damn records from CT. gahhhh just added that because I saw the coupon when opening up talkspace, fml.

After that? Think of ADVENTURE (shit, to-do list...):

get your shit together kiddo. i don't know the best way, but it's definitely not what I've been doing. Writing this post (this is a new addition) is a good start, but only if I follow through on the billion to-do's... which I'll never do if they're not listed somewhere I see all the time. phone alarms? or reminders? calendar reminders after turning notifications for them back on? an excel file with checkboxes in my drive - how to make myself see it every day though? sigh. Time to ask for help, thank god for therapy.
meditate!!!! ugh, I should have already, but it's okay, just fit it in at some point today - I've wanted to try out the walking meditations at the park, maybe do that or find another course to listen to while there. Heyyy, now I'm on to something - I can start utilizing my time at the park to listen to meditation courses or podcasts (starting with the one mikey sent me that I screenshot for the image with this post).
Yoga - maybe even with pictures on joey's camera since I'm just oh so #happyinpineapple ... oh the irony. The outfits are sweet though!
Bake edibles (counts as new)
... how am I just remembering eating now, after remembering V=veggies? If I had known 10 years ago that wishing to be the type of person who forgets to eat would mean being this miserable, I'd have been far more careful with what I wished for. Sigh. I added it above with post-computer/taking denver to the park time.
Clean this damn room
Organize notes and planners? not a bad idea. scratch that, not only is it not a bad idea but necessary for my sanity. Making a new number 1.
TALKSPACE BILL: bookmarked link for insurance coverage, check on that!
Did I really not include 'call mike back' on this? sigh. this was a late addition (2:35pm) after writing the final update below.

Sounds like a great Monday to me! I should probably go back to my to-do list to make sure I covered the ones I need to today, so hopefully I remember to do that. I'll leave this up on my desktop so it helps me remember. But before I start on that...

ROUTINES - because they don't make for boring lives, they free time that would otherwise be miz

I had tried to have a morning routine once last week - the alarms are mostly still saved in my phone, but when the first one when off (and the other 6) I rolled my eyes at my previous night's ambition. No more of that. Is it worth trying to find the account that posted the morning routine that she said saves her sanity? Maybe later, but for now I remember enough:

Wake up - no phone. Problem: my alarm is on my phone. Buy an alarm clock sammi... adding it to the to-dos.
Water
Meds
Bathroom (floss and brush! therefore, no air heads for breakfast!)
Let Denver out :) this will be the flexible part, if he wants to go out as soon as I wake up then just stick to the routine but let him out first. Easy peasy, doesn't mean I can't still have a morning routine. Yes, I am trying to convince myself I am capable of getting out of bed in the morning without languishing for hours reading a book on my kindle.
Meditate
Sun salutation - good call getting that poster, I actually have used both it and the mat almost daily... even if it's just 1 little sun salutation, that's far better than nothing.
Prayer! Can't believe I'm actually saying that, but seriously, I'll re-copy the one I found and liked from the last post. Jillybean will appreciate more regular conversations I think, right angel? Feel free to strike me with a lightning bolt if not...
then, start my day: change into clothes for either work or whatever I'm doing and get on with it.

Nice, I'm sure I'll have to work a few kinks out when I'm actually doing it the first few times, but that's okay - I just need to start. Baby steps are okay too Sammi, all or nothing thinking be damned: don't throw away the entire routine if I accidentally start reading my kindle first thing in the morning or want to lay in bed for awhile.

...hope my therapist is ready for the million requests I'm about to ask of him :)

Already fucking up my well laid out plan, but that's a good thing this time, because my spiritual malady won't be cured without having more conversations with Jilly and the universe:

A prayer for Self-Acceptance:

Universe*, I am fallible, and only human. Sometimes I fail.
My best efforts are not always enough. My best intentions and judgment can be wrong and my sincerest beliefs can be flawed. I am fallible and only human.

Today I ask that I may have the courage to accept my limitations.
May I have the flexibility and insight to change my mind.
May I have the openness to see the truths in beliefs that are not my own
I am only human, but I seek to grow in wisdom and understanding.

May this new day bring me deeper awareness of others and myself.

Amen. Love you Jillybean, I miss you every day.

2:30PM - welp, here's evidence of my lack of attention span which seems to be at the root of most of my problems (along with my inability to shut up and tendency for all or nothing thinking):

I managed to fill a shopping cart of kris nations jewelry thanks to an email about the 20% off march sale (which I already spent $200 on...) but I realized it before wasting more time or purchasing anything and made it to talkspace! after submitting a question about the $700 charge I got and bookmarking the page to check into having insurance cover it (fml, my to-do list is never going to end at this rate). I'm so damn disorganized, I can't find amanda's email to look over the writing... I let her know but just realized I meant to tell her that based on the frantic pace I've been writing these posts (and the fact I'm fairly certain they make no sense and/or are just repetitive) I'm likely not the best editor for her. Or maybe the principle applies where I can give better advice than I take? idk. whatever. writing to my therapist and trying to distill all the thoughts from the past few days has my heart hurting more than it should be, but luckily denver is a cure for that - off to the park, I can browse airBnB from my phone.

SOS - send help, sanity is lost and in danger of never being found!