backatit

... maybe a new title but whatever, time to write first.
+ now, after writing and re-thinking the title: my head is singing "baby come back!" but replacing it with "baby i'm BACK!" ... nope, that won't do. I am just back at it... and fuck spaces, the tit is staying ;)

Ever since a few weeks ago when I wrote the last one posted with missing parts and another I started and didn't publish, I kept meaning to come back and update here... took awhile, but I'm glad I waited - and that I have more important things to write than the humor aspect of what I will eventually update in dating games.

SELF-ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE?

I cannot accurately express enough how much of my brain-power those two concepts (and why I had neither) has taken up since I started therapy a few years ago. I've definitely even googled "how to raise your self-esteem" and "how to be more confident" ... clearly without much luck or I'd remember the results. Luckily I'm realizing that as with everything on this road to recovery (which honestly is just the road to either 'self actualization/realization' or living life to the best of my ability), the big realizations come randomly after many times thinking them over. I'm sure I'll find a cliche too, but the point is...

GOT 'EM!

Yeah! I can't quite believe it, but as I was talking to my baby Al I realized that I wasn't just pretending to be confident anymore... I actually was. There's no need to fake excitement for her wedding, because I AM excited. Being excited for a wedding may not seem like much, but for me it's just about the biggest milestone I could hope for. The book she told me to read is absolutely going to keep me on this lovely path, and I am thanking my angel jillybean for baby Al being the best friend a girl could ask for when I need her most. I don't want to say anymore and risk overthinking this morning's win, but I realized where the cliche is:
fake it 'til you make it

Distractions aka Avoidance of Facing Myself

I'm not saying my feelings in the dating games posts (even the unfinished/published ones which I will finish, because they're funny as fuck for anyone who isn't me) are not valid - never! I've had it banged into my head finally that all feelings are valid, and I'm glad I at least got enough written in various places to accurately update them because right now it's hard to remember feeling so hurt/sad/excited/proud - the whole roller coaster. What I've realized is that I've been using anything I can consider 'useful for life' (example: not being an anti-social hermit by dating) to avoid needing to do the hard stuff: looking at myself in the mirror and understanding the person behind the face. I think it was Amanda who said it perfectly, I'll have to follow up on that, but basically I'm still just running from myself even while technically trying to make progress on figuring out who I am and what I want.

Here's a screenshot of just the final questions for unreliable A as a result of all the research I did while 'hacking' into his life... whoops?

Well then, who am I?

• A bunch of contradictions - and that alone is something I find pride in, because god forbid I ever become predictable (aka boring).
• Independent and terrified, but relentless - I'm still here doing my best, even when my best just means surviving the day. Yes I'm on medical leave and ignoring the good souls who care about me and want me to do an outpatient program, no I haven't filled in my 'new mindset' journal nor cared about 'ADVENTURE' (although in the back of my head it's still there, I've just been avoiding the T for therapy and actively checking anything off)... the important part is realizing that doesn't mean I'm failing. Accepting that actually means I'm not doing all or nothing thinking. There have been so many wins despite all of that, the biggest being: I said no to painkillers yesterday without even really having to force myself. It was less of a "no relapsing!" and more just "nah fuck that, save your money sammi." thank you my angel.xx
  —> The only thing still nagging at me is the evening IOP... but since I'm once again not working (the medical leave that never ends, but I know it's the right choice) I'm going to tell Neil I'll go to intake tonight. See? Took a few weeks, but I'm doing it ... if I ever stop writing and get a move on.
• A person that loves her siblings (by blood and choice) and is loved back - As I said to baby Al a few days ago, "I hate everyone, fuck friends, the only ones I have are you and my siblings and that's all I need" * and then today I realized and informed her that somehow that statement spoken out of anger at the world for reasons I don't remember has brought me a measure of peace inside. I honestly am still not totally sure why... maybe because it takes the pressure off from trying to keep everybody/anybody I talk to happy? Or because it simplifies my goals/values knowing who is and isn't worthy of loyalty? I don't know, but I'll take it. In regards to being loved back, the first thing that comes to mind is my beautiful baby sister (and by baby I mean 18 months younger with a husband house and my ADORABLE baby nephew). She has been such an unexpectedly amazing source of comfort, even when I know it's killing her not to say/do more - because she knows it's not what I need. More than ever I've (ugh) realized my parents were once again right: I grew up and realized how important my sister is to me. Out of all the places I want to go soon, visiting her is top of the list.
  —>I realize my comrades in recovery wonderwomen, A&M are not specifically mentioned depending on the siblings by choice (i generally think of my brothers) but are 10000% included in case I ever let anyone read this and that's not clear ;)
• No longer being a human doormat - some facts about the thousands I lent would beg to differ, but actually that'll be the next bullet. The point here is that after years and years of knowing I needed to set better personal boundaries (thanks Mark Manson and every other self-help guru out there) it's finally happening. As usual, there's no big lightning strike moment where suddenly I go from a pushover (or a 'giver' in MM's terms) to a sociopathic 'taker,' but I'm getting there. JB, the best manager/mentor/human in the world was right in saying that learning to be a sociopath is the best thing he's ever done. Guilt is important obviously (no need for more psychopaths out there), but I've had such an overabundance for so long that now I'm finally embracing my time to truly, really, fully stop giving a fuck. This is largely thanks to the help from my brothers, sister, baby Al, and AO all recently reminding me anytime I need to hear it that it's time for me to be selfish in order to live my own life rather than fixing everyone else's.

• Not money motivated past living comfortably/helping others make it if it's in ways that interest me. I've known this since shortly after I started working - otherwise I'd never have been able to justify the amount I was spending on getting high ($30-$40 per pill and needing at least 2 to get high? yeah, safe to say it feels like I got a huge pay raise ever since quitting). I used to think this was a bad thing, but more and more over the years I've realized it's actually an incredibly freeing feeling to not be shackled to the almighty dollar - especially since I have plenty of money-making skills/ideas, I just lose interest in most before getting anywhere with them (ugh that personality test... "loves starting projects, but finishing them is another story" - fact). Luckily for me, I've got the male Al! My High Risk Financial Advisor and personal bodyguard - the photo below is a meme he sent me yesterday that shows how lucky I am to call him family. Not only him but other friends (no - other business partners. stop throwing the term friend around sammi) that have both the motivation for money and the ability/willingness to do what I call "the boring parts" -  Mr. Dakota's Dad laughed while repeating that back to me, but it's true! I enjoyed learning about building the website for him, but the putting up products and blah blah seems so dull to me that I'll leave it for him to put the final touches on it. Playing with penny stocks with both of them is another way they both keep me focused (otherwise I'd probably forget about the money in the account).

So then, what does motivate me?

As always my personality of a enneagram 7 means I like keeping my options open, so I'm all over the place, BUT the overall theme can be summed up with one of the first things my therapist said: "you like the persona of being a good girl with a sneaky bad side." Spot on, in way I naturally wanted to deny at first, but why? As long as I'm not hurting anyone then if it's something that makes me feel alive, I'm not pushing the desire away anymore (REMEMBER THAT FUTURE SAMMI!)

• —> The one I've known for awhile computer coding/hacking... "how stuff works" in general if I want a blanket term. I'm amped that I met AlB (wtf another alex!!) on hinge and he's awesome about helping me learn - such a rare find in an engineer/software developer. If I were a cynic I'd say it's because there's the potential for sex in his mind, but I'm in a good mood today and will choose to believe his motivations are just as he told me: he enjoys the conversations and likes teaching.
• —> Based on the notes I have to ruin a potential jerk's life (screenshot way above), I clearly am motivated by the rare times I'm angry... although I'm just going to include that with hacking, because that was what I really wanted to do: practice hacking by proving I could to him, just enough to keep him scared of me. Ah, and there's the other motivation: being nowhere near as innocent as I look. Do I want to go to jail? Absolutely not. It's risk vs. reward, always... and I like the work it takes online to keep myself from getting caught, major bonus.
• —> My lingerie obsession and whatever the hell I decide to do with the pictures won't land me in jail, but the same risk/reward concept applies just with a different risk (who sees what). Maybe it's the fact that I feel proud of my body in lingerie, but I absolutely adore it just for myself - not to impress any certain guy or try and be someone I'm not. Ideally it'll get me to keep in shape too, because the way I've treated eating lately is more than likely due to the meds I'm on rather than any exercising or diet. Yeah the airheads next to my bed say definitely not my diet... however, once again I will remind myself: if it is something I enjoy that hurts no one, don't overthink it. It is possible to just enjoy things for no stated reason with no expectations... in fact, I like that sentence so much I should write it out on my handy whiteboard.

...Later, because time flies while writing and I have a to-do list to get hopping on with my PIC Denver ready and waiting! FYI future me, PIC = partner in crime - if you've forgotten that then maybe look into alzheimer's testing.

NOT THIS! but I stick to my rules, no deleting it...

Peace out future-self, and know that if all else fails at least for a little while I was feeling good – no, fuck that, ALL ELSE WILL NOT FAIL! I didn't want to delete but also refuse to even put that out there without being a better manifestation student and putting what I really mean into the universe:

To my future self: remember this as a day of proving I am never giving up and will never stop writing here until it's no longer random thoughts in posts but a true bestselling memoir.

On that note, time to get going on that to-do list and read the book baby Al recommended, because I know from what she's sent so far that it's going to be Cat Marnell level (or better, sorry Cat) inspiration for writing/living.

xoxo <3

P.S. in case it wasn't obvious, this post is dedicated to both Al's <3 it'll be 2025 before there's a chance you see it, but future Sammi will make sure you both do :) Hopefully it'll even be edited to make sense!

P.P.S. Make that 3 A's, because AO has been my source of sanity thanks to her ability to relate to many things most cannot. This thought came as I found the worksheet she told me about to help with all or nothing thinking - I tried to include it above but didn't know where best to put it and somehow a half hour has passed since I last said time flies....
thank you for being such a rare gem: a true friend