being human is exhausting
I am really trying to make getting laid off (with 900 other people and a great severance package) into an opportunity to finally make a bit more progress on this whole "soul work"/what are my values/do I have life goals type of mental/emotional gymnastics. For example, I'm trying to make a schedule or routine daily... I frantically wrote out things I did the day before yesterday and an incredibly long to-do list– oh crap I need to post one I wrote in my notes first. I really have to figure out how to get the app to work.
pause please.
Alright, that took an annoying amount of effort and per usual what I wrote annoyed me (the answers are staring you in the face, you idiot of 2 days ago!) - this is why I have a rule about not re-reading/never editing...because it's capturing exactly how I feel at a moment in time, and no matter how much it annoys me even just moments later - no matter how stupidly obvious the answers to my musings are - I want to capture it. Why? let's not go there... because I'm realizing I'm not entirely sure. Actually, no - writing helps me process things in a healthier way!
now where was I... oh, realizing that yayy I finally got a doctor, but boooo she drug tests - so I'm mildly concerned because weed isn't legal in NC, but HIPPA means I can't get in trouble right? Regardless, her follow-up said:
08/26/2022 06:46:07 PM > Good afternoon, Your urine drug screen revealed traces of benzodiazepines. Sometimes over the counter medications can metabolize in urine as benzos. Our policy is to send out the sample for further laboratory testing. This can take 10 to 12 days. I will send you a portal message once I have results!
shit.
I literally managed to make myself consciously forget I've been taking at least 1/2 an etizolam each night, and while it's not xanax it's ... well actually it's not a benzo. it's a thienodiazepine which is chemically related to a class of substances known as benzodiazepines. Hmm.. chemically related. guess we'll see what the test results in 10 days say. "It's in God's hands now" my mom would say if I dared tell her about this. The laws around research chemicals are very grey - and why wasn't weed mentioned?! I smoke every damn day!
whatever, 10-12 days might as well be a lifetime in sober time
...wow, that heading proves I truly still believe I'm sober even after reading evidence to the contrary. Sigh. But it's the only way I feel normal - I guess I could give it up... and be more miserable. But baby steps, please. My only concern (of course) is if it'll impact her calling in my Vyvanse for the 8th. I am such a drug addict - I don't understand how everyone isn't. Like my friends who would turn down doing a line of perc/oxy and I would be stunned at the fact they didn't want to live in this happy alternative universe. Nope, some people just out there 'raw dogging reality' although I don't think I like that phrase, and they never wanted to take up on the opportunity to feel better. I of course get it now: I'm 9-10 years behind when it comes to learning to process negative emotions. 25 year old me wasn't thinking about 35 year old me... but 31 year old me is. If that's not growth, nothing is! Besides, giving up drinking as well feels like a huge win.
So anyways, yeah I've spent the past few days frantically writing out my thoughts on how I already have somewhat of a routine (albeit highly irregular and subject to change without notice) just based on what I do every day, and so if I can write what I actually do each day then I can slowly tweak that until it's a schedule that I can live with and involves being healthier than I am now, I'll be set! SMART goals per week/month/year... I can see it now. I have to remember that my health is what's important - feeling the pain, being alone, that's all necessary. I didn't feel it in California, and it shows that I haven't matured much since 2015. Luckily B puts up with it well ;)
Unfortunately, being alone is what I need right now (or am I just telling myself that and I really need to be getting my heart trampled on by rude southern girls? unsure. Plus I'm cheating by having my first boyfriend since 2016) ... whatever. the site keeps stopping saving (figure out the app!) so I'm outta here hopefully to finally sleep... since it's 3:44AM.
xx
OH typing the caption image just reminded me of a stoned thought I had earlier:
In the lines of, "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" ... I was thinking:
If a person is living, and no one is around to notice them, are they really living?
...trippy, and I want to re-word it so that it doesn't seem like you can't have a solitary existence and not be living, but I wanted to get that down - why? Who knows, I don't make the rules here.