breakthrough part2

aaaand there's the crash. At least I did do a yoga video and went in the pool! I wanted to write this before accepting the crash and either taking a nap/just reading my book before putting on makeup to do the filming for the pet stuff. I will be back. -10AM

Livestream 10/30/23: well, I started writing this post so I'd come back and finish this... but naturally that was days ago and I forgot, and instead came here to type a post titled:

I DRIVE MYSELF INSANE

so I'm going to keep this direction going, despite being happy to see I was confident (delusional?) enough to title a post "breakthrough part 2" only 2 days ago. Was it 2 days or just yesterday? I think 2 days... I DON'T EVEN KNOW. what is time at this point? All I know for sure is that it goes WAY slower sober. Way fucking slower - which is a good thing, right? Yes Sammi, it is: slow down and enjoy life. Right. That's exactly what I'm doing, which is why I am writing this: I had the same 'realization' I've had so many times before - so many that I don't even want to type it again, but I'm going to, because practice makes perfect ... or something.

As per usual, the 'realization' is really just a cliche or another stereotypical advice being true (again - I should really find the other posts I've said this, but I have laundry and packing to do, so as always I'll save that level of introspection for future sammi. that reminds me of a quote about the best conversations being the ones you have with yourself - if you're brave enough ... but I'm 100% butchering that quote, and looking it up is a distraction I don't need right now. this rambling parenthesis is long enough.) ... there are a few ways I could phrase this, so I'll start with the simplest:

just do it.

Capitalism at it's finest: even my life lessons are from marketing slogans. But I prove this to myself every single time I do ANYTHING remotely productive - it just seems to resonate more when I'm not even taking Vyvanse. STONE COLD SOBER. jk, I obviously smoked a bowl before reaching the level of internal peace (is that what this feeling is? I'm not sure) required to even write here. Sober-ish is where it's at, at least for me. Except clearly I'm growing up a little, because I am reinforcing the message to myself that I DON'T NEED DRUGS TO BE PRODUCTIVE! All I have to do is START doing anything. That's literally it. I have trained myself to wait for a chemical hit before I start doing anything - well at least I did, for a lot of years, but that has never been more clear than it is now. Fitting 10 years of emotional/mental/whatever is stunted while high on opiates/growth into 2 clearly didn't work, but I'm going strong in year 3.

God, I frustrate myself - I have to pack, because why would I stay anywhere more than 2 weeks? I wouldn't, that's why. Plus, I'm now great at packing so that's a plus. Having multiple rooms in multiple cities is literally a dream come true for my childhood self - now I just need to get to the point where I own them myself. HEY, there's a goal!

Progress. Eventually I'll get that post with the goals and timelines and all the other healthy things I learned to do written up here. Today? No, because per usual I left myself the minimum possible amount of time needed before fulfilling an obligation. BUT at least I'm accepting said obligation instead of skipping it - gotta take the wins where I can, and I'll take being a free babysitter (is it babysitting if you're the aunt? TBD) as an 'obligation' over showing up for a full-time job any day. Jk, I wouldn't last longer than a few days being the primary caregiver of anyone other than Maige - and arguably we function as more of a partnership - but whatever. My point is, I may be skipping the flight I booked - classic - but I'm following through on the task: being there to help my sister with the kids. Helping people is the key to happiness, or so I'm told. So back to NC I go - with a pit stop in Charleston, because who doesn't need some puppy love to break up that long ride?

...Maybe next time I write I'll have chosen a place to live for longer than 2 weeks. I came here to write because I felt like I was having positive thoughts I wanted to remember, but somehow this took a turn - classic. OH, because I saw the entry I started the other day... that shouldn't be negative though, I did have a good morning. Why am I so annoying to myself? Someday I'll figure it out. For now, it's good enough to know that once again I've remembered that I've only trained myself to think I'm productive only while high - I'm not, I just like(d) getting high before doing things.