Phone Note from 8.24.22

except this time, I have more to add :)

typed while walking Maige at night …

last night I was so motivated to start setting up a real routine/schedule for my days: I even started setting the reminders on my phone for things I want to do daily. then tonight I realize it’s days like these where I can’t be bothered to check off that I did something (or even do one - meditating, luckily I still have a couple hours). WHY!? there should really be no difference between last night and tonight. my current life situation is pretty damn awesome:

• I got laid off from my job (the irony - i finally get sober after a decade and then lose my first job… but it wasn’t performance based, it was a RIF, so fuck it!) but paid through Oct 19 + severance and unused PTO payouts. So basically I’m financially set to finally use time off wisely to pick my next steps in life.
• my dog is the best
• the guy i’m dating is awesome
• my true friends are always a phone call away and I’ll get to see them in a few weeks! plus time off work means more visiting.
• my family situation is probably the best it’s been in years

…so why do I fall into these depressive states and de-rail any progress made as soon as I try? I’ll be out of vyvanse soon and don’t have a new psychologist yet, but I took it only as prescribed (no extras) for the past few days, have been taking the daily meds… what gives???

Will I go home from this current walk with maige and lay back in bed and sleep, or make a coffee and copy this into a new blog post? (using notes on my phone) or meditate? try more soul work to help decide my future goals/next steps?

…TBD

Fast Forward --> Today, August 31, 2022

I am pretty sure I just ate something and went to bed that night, but in hindsight the answer to my pressing question seems quite obvious: I'm letting my feelings and emotions dictate my actions. Per usual, I was being self-aware without self-correcting. What does that mean for me? As I have been told by the variety of IQ/personality tests taken on the 'impulse' app (can't let my brain get too rusty! and it's kind of fun), the enneagram test (unhealthy 7 behavior can be changed!), and even just from talking to people in my life:
1. Feelings can't kill you (thanks baby Al - I hope you know how much of a positive impact you have on my life) ... meaning, no matter how low or depressed I feel, I need to stick to whatever it is I had set out to do. In the case of that night, it was just to do something- anything! Yet my lack of motivation/letting the depression win led me to do nothing instead. It reminds me of the advice I'm sure I've mentioned before: "you work out for how you feel afterwards, not because it's fun during it" --> despite having that advice in my head for years, I'm still struggling with my natural desire to feel good 24/7 - but that's just not how life works! If I never let myself feel bad, how will I know when I truly feel good? More importantly, no matter what I feel, it's time to stop being ruled by my emotions.
2. Goals... where you at!? The universe truly couldn't send more signs than it has that I need to work on setting SMART goals. I'll start even with daily goals before moving to the big "what to do with my life" goals. That'll be a new post... I think. Anyways, if I have goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, & Time-bound (SMART, yes I had to look it up) then I will have more of a reason to do whatever it is I'm trying to get myself to do. The goal of "I want to feel better" is absolutely none of those things and is getting me nowhere.

Cool, now what?

I'm actively working on my lack of intrinsic motivation. HUGE steps forward being made, and I need to remember to appreciate the things I'm doing even when my to-do list grows longer each day:

1. I went to a primary care physician FINALLY! I put this task off all summer and it hung over me like a guillotine - to be fair, when it came time to do it it was a pain in the ass (health insurance is the biggest pain in the ass ever, but knowing that I only will be covered through October certainly lit the fire I needed to get working on it) but the appointment itself wasn't bad at all. Surprisingly, I didn't even feel quite as anxious as normal when I left the house to head there.
2. My new primary care physician agreed to refill everything, but also referred me for a therapist and a psychiatrist! Yay! I have the therapist appointment September 6th - and need to call the psychiatrist back.

...I'll do that now since Maige just demanded to go outside and I realized I could be thinking about all these things while laying by the pool.... maybe even with my laptop? Or I could start organizing my life by cleaning up in here. Either way, ta ta for now my darling future bestseller <3

xxS