casual

ohh the time I have spent wondering about that word 'casual' thanks to dating apps using it as an option when filling out the "looking for..." section. I do also like the 'don't know yet' option, because it's also relevant - sadly I have not found one that lets you pick more than one option. ugh that fucking enneagram personality test really is going to haunt me forever ("7s love to keep all their options open"). Anyways, here's some lessons learned to save future me from repeating the same mistakes... and maybe I'll even find some answers that have caused the topic to take up so much of my mental space (i.e. fuck marriage and my entire viewpoint on that... nbd).

the keys to a successful casual relationship, as defined by: having intimate relations (sex) with the same person for at least ...* (TBD timeframe - we'll see how long this relative success continues/whether or not I have any more psychotic breaks before this horribly long month is over) are currently a very short list, but I'll add more as I get better at this - although this current one isn't my best experience, that's definitely reserved for bumble dan... shoutout to dan for being quite possibly the greatest not-boyfriend for the years I needed one most (after losing Jax </3. Damn, I hadn't even been thinking about him but maybe he deserves a thank you too...). I wonder what would happen if I edited these posts or even just didn't allow any parentheses/thought tangents - hopefully I find someone else worthy (aka willing) enough to edit this into a bestseller.

KEYS TO SUCCESSFULLY STAYING CASUAL

A work in progress, since I am far from an expert:

1. Cut to the chase: FACETIME FIRST! I know that no matter how long I text with someone there's a chance I meet them and despise them on sight for absolutely no reason other than the chemistry being off. Alright despise is harsh, I obviously give people a chance, but first impressions are hard to shake off... and honestly I can't think of a time I haven't instantly known whether I'd want to hook up with a first date. I had started to figure this out with Steve (another good one, Mikey asked about him the other day... too bad he moved, but I should probably thank him too even just for the tire. damn, I have a lot of thank yous to write), by using the app 'marco polo' because it was basically just sending video messages back and forth. That was shortly before I started woburn wellness though, and as I know all too well (202 unread texts last time I checked) I've had trouble being social more often than not since my lovely trip down rehab road... luckily, my new Mr. Right Now took it upon himself to initiate the facetime** - wait no, I've initiated 2 too!!! And now I COMPLETELY understand the not-awesome Steve (if that's even his real name) because sometimes you just can't explain your feelings and need to cut and run. I'm trying not to do that anymore (Wes could confirm since I sent him my life story to explain the situation... hopefully he realized he dodged a bullet with me), but that's why this step is so critical! Not having a ton of text conversations beforehand doesn't leave room for feeling like you talked to 1 person then met another.
2. DEFINE CASUAL - that's the greatest and best lesson I learned from Mr. Right Now. That note on my phone I was so antsy to send a week + ago was actually helped along by the fact we had defined what casual meant. He said it much better than I did: "meeting someone to have sex with for awhile but no expectations beyond that." To say I couldn't have said it better myself would be an understatement, because I certainly have tried and ended up writing novels trying to explain what I wanted only to contradict myself 4321890 times and leave both parties confused.
3. DO NOT FORGET THE ROSTER METHOD - this is where things get tricky, because as soon as I start being 'intimate' with a guy there's feelings involved. I wish it weren't true, and I really wish that those feelings weren't summed up by another damn cliche (wanting what you can't have), but c'est la vie and I'm not here to lie. Must be why I've avoided it the past few days... interesting thought for later. Anyways, what I mean by that is much to my sadness it seems as though the switch in my mind turns from "I want to see this sexy dude 24/7" to "I never want to see him again, what was I thinking?" based on essentially 1 thing... whether or not I feel as though I have control or- ugh no, not control, it's literally best described the way my mom said ages ago: "uh-oh, agreeing to be official with Sammi is basically the kiss of death for that guy." Horrible, and I am trying to figure out wtf makes my brain work that way... but what can I say, the heart wants what it wants! And that means that all the times I've been hurt/sad/angry about a guy it's because they beat me to the punch to end things and my pride hasn't handled it well (i.e. commenting about needing a hitman)... luckily, those times are in the past! So this is titled 'don't forget the roster method' because even though I always get caught up when I meet someone new and don't really care to talk to anyone else, that's a recipe for disaster. Why? Because hurt pride - at least mine - gets magnified by 10000 when the end result is going from having a consistent hook-up to having to start all over.
4. I don't know how to word this yet, but too many times I've confused having self-respect with just plain old being stubborn and/or hypocritical. Joey and I were talking about how 'crazy' one girl was for the fact that he hung out with her a bunch of times BUT they never did more than kiss, so it made no sense that she's still hurting over him months later... then I realized that she's no crazier than I am. Joey is incredibly skilled at what he does in terms of dating (toxic4life, ily) therefore I know for a fact that he got the poor girl to fall in love and absolutely made out with her just enough for her to not only know that she wants to hook up with him, but also to have her wondering why he didn't take it further. Honestly, a master fucking manipulator! So that being said, I need to somehow be better about looking at situations objectively... easier said than done when your heart feels broken, but since I'm actively working to prove my enneagram results of personality type 7 - or at least that I'm a 'healthy 7' - I'll have to remember going forward that apparently feeling awful isn't meant to be something you need to try and fix (hell, I even wrote a post about it). hmm.. so I guess this one is either be objective or accept the hurt pride... has it worked in the past? Not quite, at least not until last week when I actually managed to rein in my di- OMG I REMEMBER THE RULE! hahaaaa I knew that something was here and I'm so excited i'm making it it's own number.
5. DON'T TEXT ANYTHING UNLESS YOU'RE WILLING TO CALL AND SAY IT!!! Why? Because I now realize why J-Man told me to be careful with my sarcasm as we start getting new people on the team that have never met me in person and don't realize I'm kidding... the smiling/laughing/inability to keep a straight face is so fucking key. No wonder J thought I was insane whereas by using facetime when Mr. Right Now bailed (the first time - don't worry, translations are the next section Future Self) showed the fact I was disappointed but not enough to end something that didn't get to start.
6. Now that I mentioned the translations...

TRANSLATIONS FOR MR. RIGHT NOW:

I was thinking about this earlier and it's why I decided I needed to keep a running list then bing boom bang I realized it was time to get back on here writing. That being said, I must warn you Future Self that it's more than likely this list will change when Mr. Right Now becomes... idk, Mr. Hot Sleeves (for real, the tattoos were easily reason alone to give him a shot post bailing). Every person is a unique little snowflake - just like everyone else! hahhh is that a bumper sticker? I don't know, ANYWAYS, here's the translations at least based on the past week:

WHAT HE SAYS: "Are you free later? Let's hang out/I'll head over to your place/etc." (basically anything a rational human being would interpret to mean that plans have been made)
WHAT HE MEANS: "In this exact moment I intend to hang out with you whenever I just promised, but I cannot promise I won't get distracted and forget to inform you of any changes" .... or if I'm being more cynical "I just like to make sure you're waiting for me even if I'm not really going to show up." - I will NOT put anything out there to do the opposite of manifesting (I'm sure there's a word for that but I can't think of it) therefore I am going to go with saying that I will update this in the future once I've confirmed that he means the former not the latter. Hell, he'll even learn to text me a heads up - what a concept! hey universe, you're taking notes right???? I really need to figure out how manifestation works.

WHAT HE SAYS: "

OVERALL TAKEAWAY: keep your expectations literally as low as humanly possible so that when a stranger disappoints you you're not shocked.

fucking duh. Future Self, if you've let yourself be let down again... tsk tsk, idk, admit it here or something? Whatever, that's not being nice to myself which absolutely every meditation and self-improvement type thing I read says is 100% necessary to solving my absurd lack of self-esteem issue... so what I meant to say is that while hindsight is 20/20 and I feel dumb, I will remember that it's just another lesson learned and will not make the same mistake again.

...god being nice to myself/manifesting positive outcomes is boring. SAMMI take that back! fine fine not boring! i'm not bored.... I love rainbows and sunshines and all things happy. psht.

xox,
Absolutely Not Gossip Girl, but that was a great show and I adore blake lively to this day.

RABBIT HOLES I DIDN'T FALL INTO! ...maybe depends on the definition there, but fuck it.

of course DID NOT DELETE:

75% of what I wrote should probably be broken off as a tangent like these, but here were the 2 most run-off ones. In case I forget how to even interpret this in the future: read them from the exact point where the * or ** is, because originally it is what I had written right after the symbols but cut&pasted here once I realized how off-topic I was.

*damn, how long have I been talking to this one? wait has it only been a week!?!?! time moves SO slow when you're sober, I swear to god it's like an entirely different concept.

** I don't even recall how we started talking again, and I thought FOR SURE he looked way different than he did - even up to when he sent me the video of those sour patch kids... omg duh so I've had his number for ages then... I really hate that I don't have a better memory, yet not enough to actively do anything about it (typical). That being said, it also absolutely works to my advantage in terms of "letting go of thoughts which do not serve me" (yoga/meditations).