clarity, my old friend!

"It should not come as a surprise to me that making weed cookies was a game changer" -me for the past hour after a week (maybe even 2, I'm just distinctly remembering myself last saturday/sunday) of banging my head against the wall trying to escape my thoughts long enough to get them into enough semblance of order that I can maintain a single train of thought long enough to get something done. Is that a mental illness? I don't know, I don't care anymore, because all I care about is finding ways to feel normal again - goodbye depression, lack of confidence, misery and hell. I refuse to not have a say in how I'm feeling, not allowed. So there, universe - work with me, or no, I meant to say: please show me how to work with you. That definitely has more of a prayer vibe to it.

Anyways, before I can forget the swarming thoughts I keep thinking "I need to remember this when I feel miserable again" and since so far I have experienced NO way of ever utilizing my thoughts in happy moments to in any way alter or improve on my tortured soul's existence by preventing or delaying the eventual submission to misery. Or maybe it's fear? I don't know though, because there's just this sense of... nothingness, just black darkness resulting in being unreasonably exhausted all the time. Giving in to that exhaustion provides a weird respite sometimes, as evidenced in other entries I'm sure but I've also been thinking about that a lot more lately... I don't want to choose depression, never. If it feels good then clearly my subconscious is choosing the path of least resistance, I just need to figure out what it is exactly I could be afraid of that's causing this misery... or perhaps get my depression treated with better medication, but I still feel as though some of this must be my fault for the years of drug abuse and therefore it's within my reach to undo it... not that that's logical in any way, but unfortunately it exists persistently in my beliefs. Sigh. How does one end up with such inexplicably stupid beliefs? I know I'm far from the worst in terms of falling in with bad value systems via religion in relation to the sensationalized cult stories and what not, but still - I'm not saying I'm immune to anything impacting humanity, I guess I'd just like to think that if I can torture myself with my level of self-awareness then intrinsically my human body wants to be alive (and my mind is part of that body, despite the fact they never seem to agree on anything) therefore anything self-sabotaging that builds up a certain skill set must also be able to use those skills for good.... idk, I even lost my own direction with that thought.

Where was I? This was meant to be moments of clarity, and already I've started rambling over one of the very minimal boundaries I made for myself with this blog via the tags by just livestreaming my thoughts for the past however long it took to get here. Sigh. Anyways, at least I remember what I wanted to do, write down some more classically annoyingly simple cliche type of advice I'm sure I've told myself before:

OBJECTIVELY, you are literally fucking fine. Evidence: $AITX (thank you Al, high risk financial advisor of the year every year), the best dog in the world to hang out with 24/7, living with my 2 brothers I adore, weed cookies, job, deliveries, etc. etc. etc.
DON'T BORROW TROUBLE (me to me mid-thought just now)
What do I want? That's literally the only question I have to answer over the next few days... that is a privilege I will not waste drowning in panic attacks or darkness.
I know that lately my moods have been all over the map - largely thanks to writing here actually, so keep that up clearly... but the takeaway for right now is: moods change fast. Just like the wave metaphor my therapist and boss both love... I wish remembering that in certain moments helped more, but maybe it will.
"Once I get my shit together I'll be unstoppable" ... there's no timer on it, and you have minimal financial concerns for the first time ever. It's time to reap the benefits, so stop worrying about how I'll feel off all the meds and just start the process of getting off them. It's not like I'm mentally winning with them anymore anyways, so what's the point? At least, unlike with opiates, I'm not looking at a scenario where there's a major upside to be lost - only a little less downside to be felt. And I can deal with detoxing if it means there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Adding numbers doesn't stop a rambling train of thought from being a rambling train of thought. Whatever, I had the best of intentions and came here in a positive mood... and I'll leave in one actually, fuck yeah.