confusion

I just did a meditation (thank you insight timer) that left me noticing the fact that underneath everything, what I'm feeling the most is confusion. It will soon be a month since I've finished the Ketamine therapy, and naturally I'm judging myself for not having my shit more together - getting a job, working on the pet academy stuff, etc. - but at the same time, I am making small little foundational improvements that I know are important in the long run: eating healthier for example, somewhat trying to socialize, being there for Lauren and the kids, etc., so that's what I have to hold on to.

Back to the title: confusion. That is what is consuming me and therefore the most likely culprit for my lack of motivation, so I need to go back to the basics. I know there was an exercise for this in rehab, something to do with building a house layer by layer based on what was most important to us (apparently struggling with knowing your own values is a common problem amongst addicts) but I think I can make do on my own. What are my values? I'm going to google that, always a good place to start:

Well look at that - I guess I should take one of these free online tests. I will, but first I think I need to get more thoughts out...

Yeah, let's see what happens with nice little livestream: typing each thought as it arrives without thinking about it or editing. ready, set, go!

I'm still getting used to the keyboard on this new laptop. I'm glad I got this laptop though, it seems to be a good one. Okay, more importantly, why am I crazy? Or no, why am I confused? I guess because I don't know what I want in life. If I try and picture my 'ideal life in 5 years' it's a struggle. Why is that? How is it possible not to know what I want? Okay I guess if we're talking an ideal world, then I'd like to be right on Ocean Beach - specifically sunset cliffs - in San Diego, California. With Maige, of course. Fuck, knowing that someone could read this is finally starting to mess with my livestreaming abilities! It's like there's a weird filter in my brain instead of the usual flow of nonsense. Maybe that's a good thing? TBD.

Anyways... the first problem with that 'plan' (and by plan, I mean a possible place to want to live with no other plan involved at all) is it's too far from my family. I want to be closer to sis & the kids - that's why I moved here in the first place. My parents and brother may be far, but we're all on the east coast. I know from experience how difficult/expensive it is to get back for visits, it's one of many reasons I didn't stay there longer despite my love for it. The other terrible financial choices I made, such as paying rent on 2 apartments while trying (and failing) to break up with J&J, leaving my cushy well paying salary job for a sketchy one that paid far less and ended up lasting 3 days before I waved the white flag in surrender and accepted moving home - certainly didn't help, but still, with the time difference and cost/time of flying, there's no such thing as a quick visit back. Whatever, this is supposed to be about life now/going forward: why am I confused about where to be and what I want now? Probably because one of the first things I need is a job, and if that involves going into an office - which it very well could - then I'll need to pick a location.  But still, why the hesitancy to hit LinkedIn more often/harder and search more? I have done some things, but I could do more - I guess that's me being judgmental of myself, but it's just an observation. Hey there's proof the IFS/ketamine work is getting through: I naturally caught myself being judgmental and fixed the observation. Definitely a win. Why do I need proof it 'worked'? Because it feels painfully like I'm too close to where I was when I left for the treatment. There, that's the painfully honest truth I've been trying to avoid... and where posting this was leading to, I suppose. I had to confront that thought - factual or not, it exists. Have I made positive changes since returning? Definitely. I guess that's what I have to focus more on: just continuing to make healthy choices as often as possible. Doing that is a win, and to allay any confusion that seems to be plaguing my soul, that's what I have to remember is my main goal right now:

make healthy choices

The problem with this, is that my brain can get very creative whilst describing 'healthy' and that's definitely what worries me. My time completely sober is marked in my memory as times I was so depressed, I wanted to die. That's not me exaggerating, that's me remembering the hollow feelings of truly wishing no one loved me so I could just give up in peace. HOWEVER, I would never commit suicide because I couldn't do that to the people who (despite all my faults) love me, no matter how dark my mind gets. Anyways, I guess the memories of those dark dark times, such as August-December of 2021, the 6 months after returning from California before I finally broke up with J&J, plus a lot of days/weeks/months since moving to Raleigh when I haven't taken Kratom* or Vyvanse (even prescribed, I still consider it a clutch) or anything else are not exactly times I aspire to recreate my frame of mind. In fact, part of the reason I was so hopeful for the Ketamine Therapy was to find a way to live completely sober without the accompanying "I'd rather be dead" feeling. Why do I feel so bad without taking anything? It's not a matter of physical dependence - I've broken through that barrier more than enough times to know. Clearly, it's mental. So I guess the only way to fix it is to fix my mind. Which means I need to not skip my next appointment (tomorrow, 4pm, after bailing this morning because I just couldn't deal - awful, I know, but paying $250 per session makes me really want to ensure they're worthwhile, and I was not in the right frame of mind. I'm thankful that writing this is helping).

*the elephant in my mind, the "is it really that bad?" thought that plagues me to the point I just try and forget I ever even take any

So, during my appointment tomorrow - I need to address this confusion, which I'm sure will lead right back to good old fear/anxiety... but just in case, I will address it anyways and see if there's any other gems of insight the good doc can help me make sense of, because it bothers me that I'm more anxious than excited about my future. That feels like something I had overcome while I was there, and yet here it is, rearing its ugly head again. We called it 'the blank slate' during the session, which was accurate because my future really is a blank slate, but for awhile there I saw that as a good thing. It is, having options is what I've worked for my whole life! I've always wanted to 'keep my options open' ... well, they're very open now, so it's time to start picking from those options and working towards whatever I pick. Instead, I get caught up in the fear/anxiety of even the thought of making choices that will lead me back to relying on popping adderall and painkillers and xanax to get through the day - that fear is literally the driving force behind all my mental woes. As I learned in many rounds of the IFS therapy (and even other meditations) 'anxiety is working to protect you' ... but as the doc and I discussed, we need to figure out how to get my anxiety to trust that I will make healthy choices, no matter which options for work or anything else that I pick. I really don't think there's a fear of failure in the sense of not getting a job... more the fear that I'll pick a job/lifestyle that makes me prefer being a pill popping addict to survive rather than just getting on with life sober. That is so pathetic - judgement! Not nice, me to me. Does my lack of self-control/self-discipline frustrate me? Absolutely. Is calling myself pathetic going to help? Nope, it hasn't so far. I'm here, I'm trying, it's all I can ask of myself.

decisions... starting small

I want to update this website, MFBS, with my notes from all the Ketamine Therapy sessions, like I did for the first IFS one over the phone? I have plenty of notes because I wanted to make sure I had enough information to give Jill's dad if he was able to get any publicity for the program/nonprofit... but I don't know if this is the best forum for it. For example, I would never want this post to be associated to the treatment itself or nonprofit, because this is a diary entry type post. Oh! I can set up a whole section on the site dedicated to just the treatment - information that I'm okay with sharing, although obviously it would only take people a few clicks to find this... but I could always hide/unpublish my MFBS posts for now. Hm, I know there's tutorials dedicated to the website design that I have yet to go through, sounds like now is my chance. There's a few options I want to think through:
1. Add 'post ketamine therapy notes to MFBS' to my to-do list and watch it stay there for months - that's exactly what I want to avoid by thinking through this now, so this isn't really number 1 but whatever...
2. Add the posts/notes to a separate sections of MFBS, but just use them for reference if I ever need to give information about the treatment to a reporter for Jill's dad.
3. Do the same, but create the separate section in a way that allows me to utilize this platform via sending people to that part of the website for info on the treatment to start gaining ... readers? Do I really want that? I guess maybe someday, but right now it all feels too... raw. Maybe I'm a fool and it'll always be raw, because that's life, but for now I still need time & distance to separate who I was when I first started writing this, who I am now, and - most importantly - who I want to be.

sigh.

And per usual, I'm right back where I started: confused. Maybe I should take that personality test to figure out my values... although I suppose I do know 1 thing, not sure if it's a 'value', but I would do anything for Maige, my parents, my siblings, and the few other humans that I consider family ('friends' seemed too generic... I'm talking the true ride or dies, the ones here for all of it). Alright so that tells me I value the people in my life that I'm closest with - this is bringing me back to a convo I had with my talkspace therapist (miss you Steve!) about this same exact thing. Great to realize I'm still trying to figure out my values/life goals years later, but at least I can learn from the conversation he and I had on the first go around: actually, I can't, because I only remember my problem... he asked what I wanted in life in terms of having my own family, and I asked if it was 'bad' that I wasn't sure and supposed it depended on meeting the right guy first and what he wanted. I really wish I could remember his response, but I think it was something along the lines of figuring out what I want... and here I am, still trying to do just that.

Well, I may be confused, but at least I know one thing: I'm taking baby steps in the right direction. Maybe I don't know what I want to do with MFBS or anything else with my life right now, but I do know writing here helps me process the thoughts that lurk in the back of my mind along with the chaos of the everyday shouting going on up there. I'm going to take that free personal values test, and then maybe dip back into either the job search or building up the pet academy business - or even come back here and get those old notes set up, who knows. I do know I need to continue to cut back on avoiding life and get moving a little quicker on sorting out the mess in my mind so I can move forward with confidence. I'll get there.