Depression Hacks
Note to self: make this a 'tag' and each one separate, but for now just copy/pasting from the google doc I typed in bed:
- get a dog (make this a separate post)
A rough draft, mainly trying to express my attempt to hang on to the respite from depression that started with the photo shoot yesterday:
2. find a friend with an eye for art/photography and spend an entire afternoon and evening hanging out taking pictures (dinner and weed for extra points). I probably am terrifying goldie with how excited I am about the pictures, but it’s not about the pictures - in fact, I didn’t even have a real goal going into it other than capturing some of the clothes/lingerie from instagram brands while on my yoga swing and (most importantly) malfy’s sweatshirts from this is my life now. the photoshoot is my 2nd depression hack because I felt alive for those hours for the first time in so so long - any worries about my badly done nails/fake tan (amazon tan towels are the best, but naturally I can manage to even fuck that up) or my boobs not being big enough or my hair being a mess or my makeup being applied wrong- could continue but no need to go through ALL my insecurities, because the point is they all vanished. I just listened to his instructions and had more fun than I ever expected. Maybe the pictures came out awful and neither of us will ever want to use any, but in the moment that thought didn’t matter - it still doesn’t, because I’m hanging on to the natural high for as long as I can. Naturally I’m already biting at the bit (??) to get our follow up session on the books, because all the chaotic ideas I had for the original shoot are starting to coalesce into a real reason for the pictures: my future bestseller! DUH. not sure why it took me so long to think of this, and I know I had the idea the day before the shoot because in a happy moment i wanted to facetime malfy and talk about the potential of using the pics for our so far undefined plan to collaborate, but I guess it’s all part of the process. What process? I don’t even know exactly… at the highest level obviously just living, but more specifically the process of finding my values/goals and working towards them. I want this blog to be a real live look into living with addiction/mental illness, and having pictures that capture the mayhem in my mind (which I have full faith now that Goldie can make it happen) is a perfect step towards that goal. So yeah, I feel like a crazy person for being obsessed with a photoshoot, but in reality I’m just hanging onto the natural high it produced for dear life… because living, not just existing, is what made me finally drag my ass to rehab and is what drives me to keep trying at this whole pill free existence. If being the subject of an artist’s skillful eye on camera is what gives me that feeling then I don’t care how crazy I seem, because crazy and living is better than depressed and existing.