Email "Intro"
This explains what the others are attempting to explain... if that makes sense?
The Jillian Foundation: Addiction Insights
|  Nov 1, 2020, 12:52 AM | | ||
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Hey Fadi!
Apologies for the delay - as you'll soon see, I have started and stopped writing this many many times throughout the past week. It has actually been an incredibly therapeutic/eye-opening experience to try and summarize my thoughts about this (although "summary" may not apply to all of the words that are about to be attached to this email). I found myself telling a lot of details about the events surrounding the different times I 'realized' I was an addict, so if that's not helpful just feel free to ignore any parts of course. Below is what I started writing tonight that is the best version of a summary, and attached is all sorts of extra information/attempts at writing this out. If I totally missed the mark on the insight you need please just let me know! Happy to answer any and all follow-up questions you have or if you want me to expand more on certain areas I can absolutely do that.
Alright, another fresh start based on all the conclusions that I've come to this past week while thinking about this:
- Realizing that I was an addict was life-altering, horrifying, and (as I finally am realizing) still something I struggle to accept despite the obvious truth. I am re-horrified over and over and over again, because I despise thinking of myself as someone who's at the mercy of addiction (damn that stigma). That being said, slowly but surely I'm waking up without my first thought being "PANIC YOU'RE A DRUG ADDICT!" so that is a definite win :)
- Why do I struggle to accept it so much? That's what I've been asking myself all week while wondering why I was having so much trouble writing this despite my initial thoughts being that it would be so simple since I thought I had a single specific moment in time that I would tell you about.
- The moment in time I think of as my realization is actually just the first time I realized it. Time and time again in therapy I've commented on the fact that I have thoughts/conversations that lead to "life altering revelations" only to realize that my exact, 'new', profound, soul changing thoughts are in fact not even a little original once I summarize it enough times. Usually they're something my therapist has already told me or that I've already told him I had realized. This is the benefit of using 'talkspace' for therapy I guess - having all my messages in a chat-like forum with the therapist so if I want I can scroll up and confirm my suspicions that I've had certain thoughts before.
- Before I get too off-track, here's my point: I first realized that I MIGHT be in trouble with my drug use back in 2011 a few months after I had first started getting high off perc-30's (or whatever pills Jill and I were sold under the guise of being perc-30's … rehab taught me the likelihood of them actually being true pharmaceutical grade medicinal pills was highly unlikely, particularly in more recent years). The reality? I had to come to terms with the fact I'm an addict all over again this week in order to write this - or maybe not 'come to terms with it' by this point, but at least be able to own up to it and say it again.
Attached is a ton more detail - the 'timeline' I typed tonight and it's super lengthy but at least outlines the many times I came to the horrifying realization. The other "v1" is just all my initial attempts at writing this that I figured could be useful for you (and if not of course you can just ignore!). Again, happy to help in any way I can :) Thanks for having me do this, it has helped more than you know!
With Love,Sammi2 Attachments