Enthusiast to Peacemaker

Patient is an ironic trait to come out of this one - the rest I can agree with, so maybe I just have more of the other 4 traits instead of patience? Who knows, but I thought it was interesting that my results changed, because for years - ever since I took the test the first time (thanks to much prompting from sissy, I'm sure there's an entry here about it somewhere) during COVID lockdown while on a solo vacay with Denver I was amazed at how accurately the #7 pegged me... and not in a great way. For example, famous #7s? Kurt Cobain, Robin Williams, Amy Winehouse... yeah, they're all dead via suicide/overdoses. The #7 really hit on my 'all or nothing behavior', being an 'extroverted introvert' or 'performative introvert', I forget the exact wording but means the same thing to me: someone that can and will be an extrovert when in social settings (admittedly, a pretty damn good time), but it's far from my comfort zone/happy place. I remember it said #7s are prone to addiction (obvs identified with that one) due to always wanting to please others.

But Now?

Fast forward a few years in which day by day I don't feel like I'm making nearly enough progress at getting my life remotely back on any track, but these new results made me pause for a second and think about what this means. Obviously my entire personality hasn't changed, but the answers to the personality test questions did enough to the point that I'm a totally different category: peacemaker. Totally makes sense, I think that likely would have been a close 2nd the first time I took it (sissy would remember what my 'wing' ones were and all that - I didn't get quite as deep), because as I know all too well, I hate confrontation to the point I avoid it too often. But no, this isn't a 'let's hate on myself per usual' post - my POINT is that despite not seeing it day to day, I am making changes and improvements.

A quote I saw on good ol' insta has stuck with me: "There's a future version of yourself absolutely begging you to enjoy your life as it is right now." (paraphrasing, but something like that). It's most likely not wrong: objectively, my life is phenomenal - I just have to stop being my own worst enemy.

Must learn to love myself before anyone else...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately thanks to the new guy in my life. I'm afraid to jynx anything, so I'll just leave it at the fact I'm beyond infatuated and he's perfect for me... but have I really succeeded in loving myself yet? Likely not, since any life decisions and choices still generally send me curling up to bed with my kindle... but I don't want to give up on this beautiful rare chance just because at age 34 I still haven't figured out how to love myself first. I suppose I could have this conversation with him... what a concept, just being open and honest about my feelings with the person I'm (hoping to be) dating? Might have to give it a try.

Reminder to self: you're a badass bitch all on your own and need no one else to complete you, save you, or rescue you as if you're a damsel in distress. Maybe I feel that way sometimes, but I KNOW - from too many experiences - that I need to get a wrangle on my sometimes suffocating self-loathing if I want this relationship to stand a real chance.

Is that what I want?

Yes. At the very least, I want to give this fledgling relationship the best possible chance of honestly succeeding rather than finding reasons to build up walls/push him away until he has no choice but to move on - because I want us to get to know each other and figure out if there's more to it than just chemical attraction. I may still be unsure about what I want to do with my life, but it's not because I've been waiting for instructions from some future husband/partner - mainly because I so long ago accepted it probably wasn't in the cards for me- it's because I'm still letting my own self-doubt and anxiety have too much control. I try and tell myself (while curled in the fetal position reading for the 5th consecutive hour) that I am healing ... not just being lazy, unambitious, unproductive, or even depressed, just... healing. Ideally, I am letting my brain remake some healthy pathways in my subconscious while I disassociate from reality. Right or wrong, it's helping the way I deal with my obsessive coping mechanism for life (just to be clear, that's reading bc I am STILL SOBERISH, 5+ years and it feels good) and all the unhealthy habits/lack of healthy ones that stem from it.

FOCUS!

Okay so now what? I got the twirling thoughts out of my head after a good meditation session... oh, except lately I've been thinking about all the things I used to want to do with MFBS, but they were connected to a tech career. Not sure how it would apply to being a vet tech ... never mind the unending angst I've had since no longer working at Foxbank the last few weeks and whether or not I should even continue on this vet tech path. Would it be easy to get back into tech? Probably not since I've taken so much time off, but who knows? I never followed up on LM's mom (big fancy Chicago recruiter) who reached out about that remote job, because .... why? I got scared I suppose. I was still working at Foxbank at the time and didn't want to fall victim of my usual 'the grass is always greener' mentality and go back to what I was doing before only to realize I had made the right choice to change from the start.

Sigh. What about something totally different? Pull a Mikey and just hop, skip, and jump from this 2nd career path to a 3rd totally different one? THIS is where my gratitude must be employed more often: acknowledging the blessing it is that I can afford to even try 1 new career, never mind contemplate a 3rd. Another quote I read recently was "You can't worry and be grateful at the same time" ... not sure I totally agree, but I'm going to give it a try. Hopefully this summer will help me figure out my priorities and I can stop hiding from them like a scared child.

Lesson learned? Since this is how MFBS's original journals started, with lessons learned from the stupid shit I did in hopes of one day learning ALL the possible lessons therefore making no mistakes (oh to be so young and full of hope) ... let's see... hm wow maybe I have a few, although I'm sure plenty are repeats from the past but that just means they're good lessons:

• More gratitude, less worry, because things will work out however they are meant to and worrying about them won't change a thing (aka: stop worrying about the vet tech stuff).
• Maybe it is possible to learn to love myself while in a relationship as long as I'm open and honest with my feelings every step of the way.
• The world is my oyster, and instead of that thought filling me with fear, it will (not should) fill me with excitement, particularly since I've spent my WHOLE LIFE ensuring I keep plenty of options open ... well, here's the result: 34 with ALL the options.
• Per usual: It's all about perspective.

That's all for now, ta-ta- future me,
Sammi of summer 2025 <3