F*CK0fF

I just saw the tag for dating games and realized I am SO behind! I need to gather screenshots, I was thinking I need to do weekly round-ups of all the best/worst profiles, conversations, dates - all of it. It's a strange time to be alive: the world is shut down thanks to corona (except texas, good for them), technology is improving even faster now that everyone is isolated, and bumble told me to rent an AirBnB with a stranger last night. That is why I keep saying...

NO RULES / FUCK MARRIAGE!

I had to add the last one too, because I try not to think about all the guys that are super fun but faithfully married and therefore not playing on the dating apps with everyone else. I'm curious what % of people ages 25-35 in boston don't have bumble or hinge (or whatever other choice they fancy - remember, kiss whoever the fuck you want - add pic when I find my phone, but I'm glad I didn't have it because the "dump him" shirt I screenshotted for this post pic is perfect.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: WANTING WHAT I CAN HAVE

Forreal though, and the level of self awareness that goes along with this KILLS me -  2 just came top of mind, tall john and mr. married, and I've thought this a million times already: "if they were into me I'd hate them." SO WHY AM I LIKE THIS? All I know is I'm totally buying a fake wedding ring.

It was a new round of matching recently thanks to my inability to remain alive long enough to keep stoop from getting annoyed with my lack of responses (fair enough), and there's a lot going on yet nothing going on...

1. Mr. "

3/6/21 – 10:40PM

I'd love to know what I was thinking and who Mister was going to be, but I've moved on to other thoughts in my head so that was 24 hours ago Sammi - no time to try and remember, because what's important is that I have a final contestant! Wait but this means I stopped wanting what I can't have long enough to focus on someone else and plan a date hiking with him and denver tomorrow.... Absolute win, wish I knew what I did besides sleep my Saturday away but I'll take it. Sleeping usually is the answer now that I think about it...

Anyways, I am overthinking (shocker) because of a conversation about marriage with him - weird but I don't like small talk, this is my pre-first date type of conversation... it made me rethink my slogan of "fuck marriage" and I realize it's because he just agreed with what I was saying and asked questions with "open curiosity" (I think that's from a meditation? body scan? whatever, it works). If he had taken a different stance or ignored the topic when I initially brought up some cancelled weddings as a reason why I benefited from a viral pandemic - but only because I wanted to see what he'd say (on some level at least obviously..) and I didn't want to drop into the "well I'm actually about to be 1 year sober thanks to the world stopping for a while and virtual rehab being offered" before even meeting! I've learned that's an in person conversation, because it's all about the delivery. Or even on the phone! I think that went well with my dad. Just definitely not over email.*

Wait yeah back to re-thinking "fuck marriage" because I need to get to the bottom of this and I can't hold all the thoughts in my head long enough to follow through without writing it out. So, here goes nothing:

Do I dislike the ceremonial aspects of weddings or do I disagree with the entire concept of marriage?

...Well, A+ question from this round's winner, Mr... hahh, 'not the park' one, that's what I'll go with. Anyways that one really stumped me. I babbled a bunch to him before realizing this was something I needed to think through (in fact I believe I did tell him I was in the process of deciding my life values... sigh) but I have done lots of thinking with 0 answers about what I believe if I take out the potential future husband. Seriously, my only answers relate to falling in love and changing my mind, and that would mean I'm just doing what someone else wants. I need to be in charge of my life! I suppose in reality I argue as if I disagree with the entire concept - "because I do!" says that rebellious part of my brain, but I would say I play devil's advocate to societal norms as often as possible, whether or not I actually believe what I'm saying. Okay so noted then: HONESTY! Sigh, I guess it all comes back to that... whatever, I can still guage the same reactions without aligning myself with a future outcome.

The thought of planning a wedding or spending the money on one makes me ill, so... that's a definite DISLIKE THE CEREMONIAL ASPECTS for sure. I just am not sure about the whole 'entire concept' or not. I think I'd have to understand the benefits legally (so transactional and non-romantic, but realistic!) of a marriage certificate and really truly find someone who wants to move to new zealand (or somewhere else) and start this orphanage/animal shelter with me...

HEY there's a true life goal! PROGRESS!

hahah maybe the heading wasn't necessary, but until I learn html/markdown (are the 2 the same thing? idk) it's the best way to make my point stand out. I guess this is how revelations about what you want are made... slowly and without much notice or changing, just a shift towards whatever it is you want. Like maybe I'll follow up on the conversation with @consciousconversations (I think that's it) about her friend running an orphanage in Haiti - I mean if that's not a sign then I don't know what is. I see it universe, I'm just a bit hesitant about the idea of all that responsibility ... I know that's just my lack of self-confidence talking, but until I figure out how the hell to fix my confidence levels when I think they're fine, it's the way it is. In my mind I'm still too broken to be responsible for the well being of anyone else. I thank the universe every day for the fact that I managed to isolate myself just enough without truly cutting out from my life (thank you COVID... see, it comes up a lot in weird ways relating to rehab) and that I never got pregnant. I know I could raise a child if push came to shove, but I'd be a miserable mother if I still was pining for drugs while raising a kid - and maybe that's all or nothing thinking, but I wouldn't want that for any kid.

Right, but the question is: do you want to get married someday?

The problem is that I think I can be against the entire concept of it and yet still end up doing it.. maybe that says something about my inability to set boundaries? I don't know, I just acknowledge that the way I feel right now may not be the way I feel in a year... it's not so much a reliance on what my potential future husband would want, but what I could- potentially in the future - want if I was head over heels in love I guess. Is "I don't know, anything can happen" an answer I'm satisfied with? I mean it has to be, it's the only one I have... but I'd like to think that as I sort through my life values I'll come to feel more strongly about it one way or another, even if I still refuse to agree with the money-sucking hell of the ceremonial/pre-obligations bullshit. Like bachelorettes turning into expensive full week or long weekend getaways - I totally disagree with it, but that doesn't mean I didn't have a fantastic time both in Nashville and at Disney (and I'm not even a disney person! but this was shortly before I got sober...).

Damn, I guess this is why it's important to remain at least somewhat social and have connections in this big old lonely world - other than Denver. While he is perfect, it's tough to get the same quality questions without his ability to speak English (although he totally understands it).

Wow, these edibles are kicking in and proving I have a talent

What will I do with this talent? TBD, but I have a feeling the answers will come in time. Damn, I'm in a good mood tonight... which is odd because I was in a panicked mess of a state earlier. but hey, I meditated, showered, became human again and survived! what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, FUCK another damn true cliche. Sigh. xx

*Ugh when I first started setting this online journal up (buying the domain name, feeling important, etc. etc.) I hadn't yet thought of the genius idea that I just need to use this as notes for myself to fix the cracks caused by a decade of warped thinking thanks to my medicinal solutions for feeling bad or bored. I'm not sure why I thought that a pre-requisite to writing was letting my close friends/family know that I was a drug addict (I absolutely use better words after experience), but I did, and that led me to being way OTT and writing out a long email basically explaining ... idk, the past 10 years? I'm too embarrassed to even check, that's how bad thinking about this is, but safe to say that was an awful way to go about it. Thankfully it was to my 2 best guy friends who roll with the punches, so no relationships ruined - okay, fine, maybe I was a little ego-hurt based on one of their responses alluding to the fact I was apologizing for anything... I stand by the fact I was only hurting myself, but if I were to do that pesky 'fearless and moral inventory' from AA then I'd acknowledge that he may be right to think an apology was warranted).