...but marriage sucks!

I had to purge the annoying thoughts before going about my day, and this one deserves to be posted alone because:

MARRIAGE SUCKS!

I realize that I'm a hypocrite for ever pretending to anyone that I have any desires to be wife material anytime soon, but in my defense I checked myself into rehab shortly after saying such an absurd thing (because of how low I felt after that awfully messy 'relationship' - asshole).

I'd love to have my soulmate next to me for life's adventures, but I'm also positive that being alone (with Denver, he's going to outlive me) is preferable to being with most people... the question is, will I regret thinking this way?

What's fucking nagging at me is what Sh-Dakota'sDad (almost) implied- I really need to confirm the end of his sentence - single/bumble? neither?? Basically, I think he confirmed the age-old notion that society has also conditioned me to believe (according to my annoying subconscious fears that have me writing this): that there's a reason he met an "attractive, independently funded female" my age on a dating app... Although I need to remember, confirming what he said/thinks doesn't really matter (despite the unruly thoughts that are disagreeing).
What matters is my sanity above all else always (aka no relying on opiates to get through the day - or doing them ever, simple as that) .... and keeping him/other good friends that get into serious relationship as friends matters.

For many reasons, but to get back to the title here, why does marriage suck: it ruins other potentially great relationships/friendships since cheating is frowned upon and most honorable guys don't put themselves into situations where they would be able to pick right back up with an ex-hookup.

Why does my roster half to be cut in half because everyone else around me is okay with pairing up for life sooner than I am - ah duh. I'm not ready because I'm broken by years of drugs - self destruction- which is WHY I'm single at 30, like I think he implied/my brain implies to itself?**

Wouldn't life be way more fun if way less people chose the traditional route and way more people stayed in the pool of singles and all enjoyed life? Am I being absurdly impractical/not realistic? Yes, based on most people's reactions when I attempt to explain these thoughts. UPDATE 3/2/21: Quite a few people on hinge replied to my prompt about my most controversial opinion ("fuck marriage" but nicer) and said they agreed. Even better? There's profiles with an acronym "

I'm being pedantic and overly dramatic, but my overall dilemma is real: why is society so bent on getting married, and how can I make sure to do my part to change that? Or, in tiny dark moments and my deepest darkest thoughts, I wonder if someday I'll look back at this writing and laugh at my idealistic ass...

Fuck off, brain - get back to your daily adventure, I can already hear the devious thoughts.

...No, I have to know because after leaving off there I meditated, felt better for 5 minutes, then thought all this on repeat:

Am I crazy? Should I be dating more to try and expedite the potential finding of my soulmate in case he settles for someone else just because everyone gets married and he, like me now (except probably not with thoughts typed out, but I never claimed to be normal - just sane) weighing the joy of being alone against the potential lonely future of always being alone...

GOODBYE, thoughts - until I find someone to answer these questions at least (maybe I'm missing a critical aspect of human existence/adult life since I've been high for a decade - anything is possible).

9PM - I was doing the following:

copied after 'the end' ... because idk where I was going with that.

UPDATE --> 24 HOURS AFTER INITIAL POST:

... I don't have a single clue where I was going with that 9pm update, but I do know that all this over-thinking had a positive result! A late night park date followed by smoking sesh with a lovely guy to whom I did NOT blather on about anything related to marriage/insanity/rosters/etc. :) In fact, I didn't question whether I was too broken for normal society even once, so I'm taking it as a win.

so fuck all the noise, I can outsmart human nature*. Time to start rebuilding my roster for real.

THE END :) just the outtakes below - I'm sticking by my "keep it real, no editing" rule, so it all has to stay somewhere once typed.

UPDATE 3/2/21

Woah, almost a month later...

Time flies when you're wondering what to do with your life - Aha! There's another damn cliche: "life's what happens when you're busy making other plans.

More importantly, I did figure out what Dakota's dad had been thinking/trying to say and (of course) I misinterpreted it - although I am still glad that I thought he implied that anyone single at 30 had something wrong with them, because it forced me to think through if that really bothers me... and the answer is no, thank god. I wish it didn't take my brain a week to get to that conclusion, but hey I'll take what I can get. Staying busy helps - I'm already working on rebuilding the roster but more as a hobby/for content than actual dates... sorry guys.

I wonder if I'll be able to find all the original screenshots I had taken over the years in my BadBitchesOnly chat (3 little white girls, yepp) - I hope so.

OH, as for what he did mean to say? That it wasn't a surprise once I told him because he knew I made enough money to buy a lot of pills yet "kept up appearances" - since I had gotten them for him before quitting (for actual pain reasons) he said he assumed I must just do them casually otherwise I wouldn't be working/living/etc.

Yeah, yeah, so as much as I say what he thought didn't matter.. obviously it did, at least in the sense that not only did I realize he was not thinking negatively about my chances at happily ever after, but that's reinforcement that I can never know what someone else is thinking... so stop trying.

OUTTAKES/TANGENTS from original

*the irony of the fact I just accidentally clicked into this doc from last month and saw the highlighted quote is too blatant not to include. I'm taking it as final confirmation that all my worrying yesterday was simply a side effect of feeling unreasonably rejected by someone I never consciously thought I had even given an opportunity to reject me. Classic "wanting what you can't have": suddenly wanting someone I never pursued while he was available just because he's not anymore. I really need to buy myself a fake wedding/engagement ring, since if my own behavior/thinking is any indication of the general population then there's serious truth to the idea that we all want what we can't have.

Or, as I captured in this document of "best lyrics and book quotes", to put it more eloquently:

...yeah, (now the ending makes more sense... fml editing this someday is a job I absolutely plan on delegating.)

The 9PM update that never was:

Eating a version of my 'protein drink' smoothie

Liquid:

• strawberry Boost
• chocolate Keto
• choc. banana Keto

Ice(Cream):

• -—> Neapolitan: chocolate + strawberry - vanilla = best combo for 'total greens' berry flavor (see below).
• -—> caramel cookie crunch gelato
• -—> 1/2 of a Chloe's strawberry popsicle (hoping this functions as ice and supports the strawberry popsicle/ice cream flavors over the drink mix)
• Total Greens by Monat