walk through fire

creating a post in the ghost pro editor directly from my phone instead of a google doc or notes app - what a win!

Today was a dark day, yet it also clarified a lot of things I am trying to work on not being ashamed of … starting by writing here. Why was it dark?

1. First day without vyvanse in a month. Despite all my self-talk about how even when I take it it doesn’t make me motivated/I don’t do anything differently, I know the fact I have none and no plans of getting any (or a new doctor) contributed to my stupid anxiety.
2. My reaction to the ex getting married. No matter how much I logically know it’s for the best never to speak to him again, I hate to admit it but the past few days of being in contact with him hurt me far more than I care to think about. Feelings are still overruling my logic, but I’m getting better about it … at least it was only a few days of obsessing rather than weeks/months, and I didn’t do anything stupid other than vent here and engage in convo with him via tiktok/email.
3. I thought I was happy Nicky has a girlfriend now because it means we can be friends without me worrying about leading him on, but maybe coupled with the ex getting married it hurt my ego? I’m not sure on that one, although the thought of her honestly makes me happy whereas I cannot say the same about the psycho Russian … but thats probably because I had that (highly regretted) insta convo with her back when my dumbass thought I was sparing another chick the heartbreak I felt. False, because there’s no reasoning with someone who wants to be in love more than they want the truth. Anyways, Nicky said he’s told Emma about me in relation to Maige so that’s definitely a good sign for our future friendship and his relationship. Yeah, the more I think about it the more I am landing on the fact that as long as she makes him happy I’m happy - if she’s someone I could be friends with, then selfishly that’s even better.
4. Turning 33 … age is just a number, I look younger, blah blah - but it was a reminder that I haven’t worked a corporate job despite a year of searching. I need to focus on what I have accomplished instead of giving in to the “running out of time” feeling.
5. OF ideas and the fact I’m so highly considering basically being a one time porn star for $10,000 … the temptation is there, but I can’t see myself fucking a guy for money sober and I refuse to get readdicted to painkillers to make $10k. In fact, it wouldn’t be worth it since I’d risk my dignity and end up spending that and more if I relapse. DONT DO IT FUTURE SAMMI! Being poor is better than being a drug addict or an anxious/depressed wreck.
6. Having to bail on my commitments today thanks to the darkness: I had been so excited about meeting with the digital marketing manager at the animal society for propet, thankfully I was able to reschedule but it doesn’t give me much faith in my ability to work sober. Luckily I keep reminding myself I bail on plenty of shit while on my Vyvanse so I need to stop correlating taking it with productivity because correlation does not equal causation. I will be just fine at doing life the way I have been even without Vyvanse- hopefully better, since I certainly haven’t been winning any habit building or productivity awards.

A blessing and curse: having to tell my roommates and the guy I’ve been seeing (we’lll call him DC for now) that I was just in too dark of a place to do anything. It makes me feel so ashamed: like I can’t handle life despite having a great one. This is nothing new for Dutch since one reason we’re still friends he’s one of very few who never bothered me but also never gave up on me while I went through weeks of silence at a time in Raleigh. I was embarrassed, but not only did they not dwell on it or make me feel uncomfortable - they actually helped me feel better just by being there. I was even more mortified to tell DC because we have kept it casual but I didn’t want him to think I was seeing anyone else since I kept bailing so I just went with the truth …. and he somehow said all the right things. Funny how when you open up to the RIGHT people, it helps even when all I want is to hide from the world. The title of this post is part of a Reel that DC sent about getting through bad days - it was so perfect without being over the top…. plus we both love fire. I don’t know what I want for the future with him, if anything, but I am absolutely enjoying the now.

Alright, just wanted to get that all out of my head and thank the universe for another day sober. ❤️‍🔥❤️