Forbidden Fruit

One of my most frustrating flaws is that - for as long as I can remember - I have always wanted what I can't have. No joke, I remember being at a dance in 8th grade and every time I was dancing with someone I'd be looking for the next guy I wanted to dance with - even though whoever I was with currently had been my initial target! Once I had him, I was already mentally on to the next scanning the crowd. I forget how old I was when I finally realized how absurd it was that I was always looking more forward to the next guy than the one I was with - maybe high school prom with Tommy freshman year since I had a date (and he was my first 'true love') which eliminated the need to find 'the next dance partner' ... I'm not sure. All I know is that it's a theme that has persisted my entire life in relationships, and even outside of them for a long time: thinking the grass is greener elsewhere, only enjoying 'the chase' but then quickly getting fed up with whoever I had chased, or essentially just what I said at the start - wanting what I can't have.

Heartbreak or Hurt Pride?

I did some serious psychoanalysis on myself during the fall-out of the heartbreak this past summer, because the ex called me out on the fact that I fought harder for 'us' after he left me than I ever did in our time* together (that * is the placeholder for an important caveat/tangent I moved below). I'm sure I found a way to deny it to him, but that thought stuck with me. It led to a lot of sleepless nights wondering if I was really heartbroken or just suffering from wounded pride - and if it was just wounded pride, then how painful would actual heartbreak be!? Because I'm still convinced that I could not have felt much worse, at least not over a relationship ending. I've alternated between those 2 conclusions so many times, and honestly, I'm still not sure ... despite the fact I've written in the past that it must have been wounded pride because I needed that to be true to gain any semblance of sanity back. I have to actively remind myself he's not who I thought he was in order to remember that we don't have some sort of magical connection the way I thought we did. I do know that in the past I certainly got upset** over guys I hadn't even been that interested in if they ended things with me before I was ready for them to end ... but I was always aware, at least on some subconscious level, that I was nursing a wounded ego, not a broken heart.

Maybe I'll never know which it was since getting back together to try again is not even close to an option anymore. Plus, we can't even be friends largely thanks to my rash decision (against the advice of my wise friend Amanda) to message his wifey - his ex at the time (or so I thought ... a reminder that 'the truth' is always going to be elusive when it comes to him) - a decision I made while absolutely fuming with anger*** over my own stupidity for believing he hadn't been dating her only to learn he had when he sent a screenshot that I wish I never saw (ignorance really is bliss sometimes). Losing the friendship is definitely more sad to me than anything else... although in reality, that chick never would let him be friends with me anyways so I guess that one is out of my hands. Why am I thinking about this? Back to the topic at hand...

you can't always get what you want

This isn't the first time I've dealt with self-loathing for this character flaw, not by a long shot, and I'd like to think I've made progress with some aspects of it. For example, I've definitely been better at accepting the whole 'the grass is greener where you water it' type of mindset rather than constantly believing that if I just had a different [job/boyfriend/friend/apartment/etc.] then I'd be happy. Moving to California and realizing 'wherever you go, there you are' was a critical point in my life for changing that destructive mindset, because I thought FOR SURE that all my problems (addiction included - HAH) would be solved if I just lived in the happy land of SoCal where everything seemed so perfect. Thankfully, I've had enough therapy to realize changing external factors to find happiness is not how life works - I'll take the wins where I can.

What worries me is the thought that I'll never be happy in a relationship because of this whole 'I only want what (who) I can't have' flaw. I just was hit with a memory from a few years ago of the months I spent pining for my German boyfriend to visit and how happy I was once he got here ... for a few days. By the end, I practically shoved him onto a plane back - FOR NO REASON! He didn't change or do anything differently or even do anything to provoke any shift of feelings on my end, yet everything I thought was so cute at first just turned into something that annoyed me - as always seems to happen when I'm dating anyone. Terrible! Thankfully he handled me better than most and we're still friends. In fact, in retrospect he did prove to understand me better than I ever could have hoped anyone could. Maybe someday I'll make it back to Berlin and we can try again? Ugh, that just reminds me of the fact that haunts my every relationship: once 'the switch' has flipped, there's no way to turn the love back on permanently. Ever since breaking up with the not-dog-thief-actually-great-guy ex I lived with after college, I've accepted the fact that in all my relationships there has been a point where FOR NO REASON I go from madly obsessed to absurdly annoyed by their presence ... and trying to flip that switch back may work temporarily, but never forever. I see why C-Rob has more or less given up on love after realizing so many times that he never lasts more than 2 years before he is just no longer in love with his significant other.... it's SO damn disheartening realizing that you have no control over your feelings when it comes to love, particularly loving feelings being replaced with darker ones. Or, maybe I'm thinking about it wrong, and that's just what being in an adult relationship is about: working through 'the switch flipping' ... hm. Definitely interesting food for thought.

The One That Got Away

The Give Them LaLa Podcast episode I listened to the other day talked about 'the one that got away' and LaLa & her brother both agreed that they have 1 person they think of instantly when someone mentions that phrase - and I realized I do too. I guess it's kind of cute that the guy I think of is the first boy I ever had a crush on then 'dated' (in middle school), but timing and circumstances never worked in our favor afterwards despite remaining super close friends to this day. That being said, I also know I pushed him away many times when we could have tried to make it work - probably for the best, since I was such a mess (still am, but at least I'm actively working on changing that), however is this also just a case of wanting what I can't have? Because something tells me the reality of actually ever being able to date my 'one that got away' may not live up to my thoughts on it - particularly since I'm not sure how to prevent that damn switch from flipping. Although, if I build off my idea that it's not about preventing the switch from flipping but about working through that with the person, then maybe there is hope for me after all. I'm imagining the conversation with a future boyfriend now: "hey so I know you haven't done anything differently, but for reasons I do not understand suddenly everything you're doing is annoying the shit out of me so I'm going to be a huge bitch despite the fact you don't deserve it." ... I'll work on that.

Independence > Loneliness

Despite worrying that wanting what I can't have in terms of boyfriends will haunt me until my dying day, I am grateful that I'm figuring life out on my own right now. I thought I'd be more lonely than I am, and although I do get lonely sometimes I'm surprised that more often than not I appreciate my independence instead. And by independence, I mean my current way of stumbling through life without a damn clue what I'm doing... because at least I know all the choices I make are my own, and I'm learning how to be a better person alone before I dare couple up with anyone again. If I was lonely I know I would end up dating any of the eligible bachelors I've met the last couple months just to not be alone, so it makes me happy to realize I'm content living life just Maige & me. Too bad Maige isn't a male human, because we make a great team. OMG, I've never fallen out of love with Maige - no switch flipping there! So maybe that means there is hope for me and unconditional love ... if there's a human alive that I could love as much as I love Maige. TBD.

Alright, enough of this, I need to prep for a 1pm interview with 'the world's most disruptive company' as this book I'm supposed to read before the interview refers to Amazon. I strangely like the idea of being described as 'disruptive' ... maybe moving to Seattle to work there wouldn't be a bad idea? Time will tell. AH also I want to remember to write a post about wtf I'm doing with this ... platform? I hate thinking of it as a blog - in my head it's always just 'my future bestseller' ... so fuck labels, that's what it is. It's not like I wonder what to call the @myfuturebestseller instagram account**** I have for it (oh how I love that account, although I've realized recently that more of my friends than I was aware of follow it - thankfully I can't fathom anyone caring enough to read through all my mayhem, so I will continue using this as my insanity outlet rather than trying to turn it into 'content' until I hear otherwise). Anyways, all my hours driving resulted in some thought going into whether or not I'll ever want to use this as more than just an outlet to keep my sanity intact. I shouldn't say 'just' - MFBS truly has been key to my recovery as far as I'm concerned. Naturally I came nowhere close to a conclusion, but at least the thought was there!

xoxo,
Not Gossip Girl (but damn do I wish I could be in a room with Blake Lively)

*(in my defense, future self that will someday read this, our time together was only a few months & I'm 100% sure that if we had been meant to be my behavior would have corrected itself once I accepted what adult relationships actually entail and we learned to compromise better)

**(nowhere near the level of upset I displayed this past summer, but I'm going to blame that on the fact it was the first time I really had feelings for someone while sober-ish)

***there's a takeaway/life-lesson to be found from that poor choice: in times of heightened emotions, do nothing & say even less. I think I get angry so rarely that when I am angry it feels like whatever I'm thinking/doing MUST be justified since the feeling is so rare. Obviously, the opposite is true: I'm not used to dealing with anger therefore DEFINITELY need to stop, breathe, and sleep on it - whatever it is - before saying/doing anything.

****I found this when I went to get the link to the insta and love how accurate it is - or at least how accurate it feels to me: