Forgiveness

Ironically, I wrote this and another post from my phone in google docs yesterday before my 4PM interview to try and clear my mind from the toxic thoughts still swirling around about my ex. I even prayed to the universe for strength to forgive myself and move on - turns out prayers sometimes do get answered automatically! Thanks to the turn of events in which the evil ex accidentally informed me the girl he swore wasn't his current girlfriend (the one I joked with him about 'using MY emoji for' while we were still hooking up) actually was. In hindsight, it's SO obvious that I could kick myself, but that leads to the topic of this post: forgiveness. I need to forgive myself for falling for his lies, for thinking I was in love, and for caring for longer than I wanted to (aka up until last night).

I debated whether or not to even post what I wrote yesterday since the situation has changed, but since my goal is to capture all the moments of overflow in my brain as authentically and honestly as possible, no matter how embarrassed or ashamed I am, I'm going to stick with it and post them before moving on to write an updated one. The trick, as always... I'm going to copy, paste, and avoid even skimming what I wrote yesterday to ensure I don't change anything - I want to capture these dark moments exactly how I felt when I wrote them rather than editing them after the fact.

So, without further ado, dark moments from yesterday afternoon...

September 18th @ 2:50PM:

I’ve read a lot about why forgiveness is the best way to be mentally healthy, but I am having a hard time forgiving myself for becoming someone I don’t recognize just because I thought I was in love. I am so down on myself right now for even considering replying to texts from the ex who clearly only pretends to be worried about me because he owes me money and keeping me from hating him is in his best interest. My guard dog, as he referred to Dutch, put someone in a coma with one punch - I’d want to be on my good side if I was him too. That’s what I need to remember: talk is cheap, as he proved time and time again.

Forgiving the ex for the lies after we broke up and I was trying so hard to be who he wanted only to realize he was just killing time with me while finding someone else to live with/feed his ego is easier than forgiving myself for wishing he hadn’t lied about never putting a new girlfriend over our friendship. Logically, I realize I met him while in an incredibly vulnerable state and that has everything to do with how hard I took everything that transpired, but it doesn’t make forgiving myself for continuing to care for someone that never really existed any easier.

I went on a date with a DEA agent yesterday - how’s that for irony? It was actually a great time and we’re getting dinner this week, but before then I need to figure out how to forgive myself for wanting the friendship of someone who only cares about themselves. I almost answered his texts saying I’m only not fine when I think of him, but thankfully landed here instead. Time heals all, right? I have enough good friends that wasting anymore energy wishing he could be the one I thought he was is foolish. I’ve made way too much progress to continue being a fool.

Every self-improvement book I’ve read emphasizes that you can’t control anyone else’s actions or feelings, just how you respond to them. Safe to say, that’s easier said than done. Maybe I should research ways to repress memories … no, that’s definitely not healthy. The only way out is through, and I know eventually I’ll forgive myself for believing the lies of someone with more ego than heart. If I can forgive him for the lies, I can forgive myself for believing them.

The other thing I need to forgive myself for is the knowledge that I always want what I can’t have. It’s human nature and what keeps us working towards goals even though this trait sometimes manifests in unhealthy ways - like wishing to continue a friendship that was never real at all, regardless of how convincing his words were.

The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it. I’m trying to accept that continually working on bettering myself instead of giving in to my demons is how to feel better long term and that’s what my goal is. No more short term gratification. Would it make me feel better to reply? Short term, probably. Long term? Clearly not. Sometimes I wish my anger lasted longer, but at the same time I’m grateful for my ability to forgive and forget - now I just need to learn to do the same for myself.

Maybe I should write an addition to unsent texts and get all my would-be replies out that way … after this next interview.