FREEDOM

Nothing like realizing your newly married cheating ex is FINALLY no longer able to view my sacred space here. He had the audacity to accuse me of 'trash talking' him in my last post because 'he knew I'd find out about the wedding." ... if I wanted to 'trash talk' the way he deserves to be talked about, I'd find an actual public forum to do it from. Anyways...

I'M BACK IN ACTION, UNFILTERED!

Not that much was filtered anyways, but it certainly didn't help having the thought in the back of my mind that he likely would read whatever I wrote. I am frustrated at how upset I get every time I end up communicating with him again. Am I wrong to be baffled by the fact he went from "I never thought I was capable of love or even a serious relationship again until I met you" to living with & then married to someone else within months? No, because I checked with my friends - it's weird as fuck. As one friend kindly pointed out though, I didn't just dodge a bullet with that one, I dodged a bomb. Clearly, it's more of an ego issue, because even if he begged for me back, I wouldn't be interested. THAT is the true problem, and the theme of all my 'heartbreaks' ... most aren't heartbreaks, they're just bruised egos. Safe to say, I'm glad that chapter of my life is finally over.

A Good Time to Be Alive

So strangely positive, I know, but having the student loans you expected to pay off until death suddenly paid off is certainly cause for celebration. It really is a whole mindset switch - rather than being a slave to a corporate job just to make enough to pay my monthly payments, I can explore my options and decide what I want to do. Clearly, money isn't a great motivator for me, so I want to find a job that while maybe doesn't pay super well at least doesn't make me wish I could jump in front of traffic rather than work. I'm also beyond excited, because one of my clients for ProPet is interested in signing on for more work :) I really think I can find a way to tie together ProPet with my other potential dreams: orphanage, animal shelter, doggy daycare ... who knows, all that matters is I finally have options. To say I am grateful would be an understatement. Maybe I'll go back to making an OF account to fund my future orphanage/shelter... what's the use of being unmarried at 33 with a bangin' bod if I can't make money off it!? (Kidding ... I think)

LETITGO

It annoys me that I let an irrelevant ex live in my head rent free for so long - I was doing well until seeing the damn wedding pics and then replying to him on tiktok. Why is it that despite knowing complete separation is the ONLY way I'll stay sane, I can't seem to manage ignoring him when he reaches out? Why don't I just tell him not to talk to me - OH WAIT, I did ... hundreds of times. But, time to take responsibility for my own actions. I wrote him a final email after realizing he has read EVERY post since we broke up, but I did my absolute best to keep it civil and apologize for all the things I wish I had done differently while we dated/after we broke up. I even admitted I'm well aware I've been a psycho ever since he ditched me for the Russian, and self-awareness is the first step to self-correction, right? It truly terrifies me how obsessed I get - as if I won't be able to survive without making my point, or righting the wrong. Never again will I let myself get so infatuated with someone that I dare to dream of a future with them, that's for sure.

So, starting today, adios to all the idiots of the past: unless they'll be featured in one of my upcoming 'dating disasters' features ;)

xoxo,
Sammi