gratitude

thank the universe for my yoga swing. It definitely just stopped what felt like a sure-fire track to an insane asylum. Funny how being upside down really is the view I need to appreciate being right side up - not quite so literally, but it reminds me of that saying, which I'm positive I quoted when I first was writing here: the world turned upside down and I'm right side up (something along those lines)... except in this case, the world is fine, I just had to be upside down to smack some sanity back into the darkness that was creeping in.

I started to write this because I realized I had absolutely no idea what the date was today - despite the fact I've had at least 1 interview a day every weekday for the past 2+ weeks, that doesn't mean I can sacrifice my "healthy habits" gratitude list, which is what I was writing when I realized I had skipped a week, or meditating which I haven't done for a couple days ... the little things, the things that are so simple but need to be daily if I want to be 'the best me' ... ew there has to be a better way to phrase that. whatever, land this plane as Jackie would say: my point is, I was letting things slide and it's definitely not a coincidence that when I stop doing the healthy habits my mind lets the darkness sneak back in.

sometimes, remembering to breathe - particularly while upside down - is all it takes to snap out of a weird funk... but I have to remember the most important part: it's just a funk. Have I been antisocial and pretty much retreating from the world for the last week? Yes, absolutely. HOWEVER, I need to realize that even the small amount of socializing I was doing before is a huge improvement from nothing... but I also can't disappear/withdraw from the world completely and expect it to be there waiting for me when I get back - the best friendships work that way, but if I want to make any new lasting relationships (but do I? yes, that's the goal - eye on the ball sammi, focus) then I have to be a constant participant in reality. sigh. reading a book and forgetting the world is much easier - but reality beats being a drug addict, so as long as that problem stays solved, I know I'm doing better than I was. that's generally the goal, right?

That reminds me, I started a post outlining all the areas in my life so I can make goals for each - and I will, but not right now. Right now, I'm fucking tired from having to sell myself in interviews all day and trying to silence the inner chatter wondering where I should live, so it's enough for me just to feel better having checked in here. Progress? I don't think so - no, definitely not, but honest? Yup. I'm sure I have a flashcard to solve this procrastination issue, but the problem with solutions like that are I need to want to do them. I have to care enough about thriving over surviving that I care enough to 'just start doing anything' or whatever the rest of the advice (which I will eventually put all the pictures of the flash cards up here - note to self) I'm reading is. I'll get there.

Am I in the best place mentally? No, but it's okay. I can acknowledge it, and know that this will pass - I'm still here, not giving up, showing up in whatever ways I can manage each day and as long as I stay off painkillers that's enough for me. This is a depressing, boring post - I don't like it, I came here with great intentions of noting down how important it is to use my yoga swing because it makes me feel better and somehow led myself back from feeling better to being miserable. Feelings are so unreliable. time to pull out some of that advice... having a playful attitude is beneficial for life (paraphrasing obviously, I forget if it's memory or habits... both? in my head, I just know it's categorized as a 'do this to feel better'). On that note: clearly I have no idea what I'm doing but at least I'm alive. Phenomenal. Keep it on my tombstone, I know I've said this before: "at least she tried."

xoxo,
Losing Sanity Sammi