HEY, it's 2025!

Time flies when you're collecting content for a future bestseller (aka trying to survive)! I know I should post more - actually, I want to stop saying "should" but I'll stick to my good old 'no deleting or editing' rule, so f it, at least I'm here now!

The thought(s) that brought me here...

This is single, soberish, and 34: learning a new job I don't hate, avoiding conversations with all but my family and a few friends, and being absolutely 100% in love with my dog above all else.

Avoiding 'problems' - everything from talking to loved ones/friends to studying to getting my taxes done (for the last 3 years) - is a terrible solution for life, even if I am doing so while convincing myself I'm still 'getting things done' and maintaining my (albeit slight) grasp on sanity. I realize the solution lies partially in building a routine, so I'm working on it at least? Yes, still, 4+ years in, working on that whole 'have a routine' thing that seems to come so naturally to most. No, making comparisons isn't helpful. Although another thought was...

Does everyone feel like they're living in a state of mayhem with the exception of a few random moments of clarity?

Okay now no more comparing. What's that saying? Another true cliche perhaps, or just a quote, but "comparison is the thief of joy" ... I may be butchering that, but I'm not taking the time to google when words are finally flowing out of the mayhem in my mind. The point is, apparently I've learned something in all my self-help reading, because I'm finally mentally correcting some of my thoughts:

• no more 'should'
• no comparing my life to anyone else's
• remembering I love myself (or at least to think it even when I don't quite feel it)

Sweet but a psycho is currently playing from my spotify - another piece of advice to myself I'm finally following, just put music on - and it feels quite fitting.

Breathe by Jax Jones next ... also an applicable song. I go through periods where I'll meditate for a week or so in a row but then fall off for weeks. At least there are the times I do get back into it, and I do believe that I learn something that I subconsciously use in 'real life' every time I meditate even if I don't always do it daily yet. I will after writing this, there we go.

Thinking of my simple goals... yoga. Working on my feet all day (excuses! shut UP brain) has definitely lessened my ambition to do any actual yoga workouts, and I miss my swing - I guess that should be my goal, get the supplies and set it up on my porch... better than nothing? I did do yoga on the dock here once, but between the bugs and the slow pace it wasn't for me.

Total thought swerve because my class notes are up on my other screen:

I cannot believe how much medical knowledge is required to become a licensed veterinary technician for how low the pay is. WILD, especially considering how much money I made in corporate roles where I really did not know much at all... I guess that's why those jobs are soul sucking and this is not. Balance: get paid well but die a little inside every day, or get paid way less without the same type of misery. Now do I bitch about working? OF COURSE. Do I wonder if being subject to dog/cat piss and shit most days is what I should be doing with my education and work experience? OF COURSE. But overall... I know it's the right choice. It just feels right - in fact, I would like to imagine if I ever do actually fall in love it will also feel this type of 'right.' It's like in the depths of my soul I know I'm on a better path, so all the concerns and self-doubt I have on the daily about it are much quieter in my mind thanks to this overall feeling of ... idk a better word than "right" so I'll stick with it.

Hahaha 'sucker for pain' next on the playlist ... truth, evidenced by the HORRIFIC scar on my left forearm now that I got on NYE (completely sober) from cleaning one of my candle making pots and spilling boiling wax on myself. Now I don't enjoy this pain obviously - fuck no, it hurts like a bitch, I've been disinfecting it and pulling off wax/skin at least 2x a day and it makes me want to pass out or throw up - but have I stopped making candles? Clearly not as evidenced by the army of owls. So in that way, and many others - like breaking up with an incredibly nice guy - I guess I am just a sucker for pain.

We accept the love we think we deserve... that's what I just thought. So what does it say about me that I mainly only accept the love from my dog? She's way cooler than anyone I've dated, so maybe I'm on the right track and just doing what I've always said I would: not settling for less than true love before ever getting married. It's weird having so many options but caring so little about making any of them work... I guess the feelings just aren't there in any of the cases. Or perhaps my heart has always been owned by my 1st grade love (yeah, you Adam Jacobs!) and therefore is in Chicago and giving a fuck about dating anyone else is pointless.

Oh marriage was a big thought that brought me here - hence the first thought up there being about 34 and single. One factor I don't think I really considered in all my "I'm never getting married" years was the fact that it would make for an interesting ... social environment? Idk, how do you describe the fact that all my friends are married and therefore I've 1- been able to socialize WAY less without feeling guilty and 2- found uniquely awesome and amazing people that are also unmarried that I probably never would be friends with otherwise. I didn't realize what a positive twist this thought was taking until I was writing it, but I like it because it's true. I'm not saying it doesn't get lonely at times (although honestly? way more rarely than I ever thought - clearly, since I broke up with a nice guy I could have married if I didn't want to be single anymore), but overall I think the pros outweigh the cons. Plus, being 'the only single one' at work/wherever is actually something I kind of wear as a badge of honor... I'm sure it signals a 'something is wrong with this chick' question to most people, but personally I like to think of it as being happy enough getting to know myself again after years of drug abuse.

OH there's another change I've been thinking about: no longer feeling the need to tell people I'm a recovering drug addict.

Now, to be clear, I don't hide it - I just don't word vomit the story up to anyone I become slightly close to as if it's the biggest thing defining me. I suppose I have Dutch to thank for that in a big way, because he re-worded something my parents had been telling me in a way that made more sense to me: "you're not defined by the fact you used to be addicted to painkillers." Even if personally I know it accounts for A LOT of my current behavior (trying to catch up on emotional/mental maturity that I missed out on in the decade of being too high to care, coping mechanisms, etc.) I've found that I no longer feel compelled to explain to every new friend I make or co-worker that my life changes were largely spurred to action when I finally quit drugs. My parents always said that - well, once I finally told them a year into getting sober - but I thought it was because they were ashamed of it and thought I should be too. I really should give them more credit, they're quite wise.

These positive thoughts/changes/whatever make me wonder why I am so reluctant to do these things I group together in my mind:

• write here
• talk to the ketamine doc
• get back in touch with Jill's dad - this is the most unforgivable to me, but I know my mom talked to him back in March-ish when I decided to give this vet tech thing a go and explained I'm just trying to move on with my life and can't focus much past that ... but I feel VERY guilty for not being in touch with him more in general, but it's because I don't want to have to talk about writing about the experience he funded. Thankfully I know he understands - how do I know? I'm not sure, it's another one of those feelings that are just right in my soul. Maybe it's because I know Jill is always with me as she is with him? Not sure, but regardless it's the only way I sleep at night without being eaten alive with guilt.

The problem at least with the actual writing about my experience with ketamine therapy is that for a long time I wasn't sure I was confident in saying 'it worked' and therefore retreated into myself rather than face why I was feeling that way. Now that I'm (finally) reflecting on it, I realize all the positive changes I've made - even if I still know I have a long way to go to be where I want to be - are a reflection of the choice to get off all antidepressants via ketamine therapy. Writing about it should not be that difficult ... I think I just am hesitant to re-open that box in my mind. Why? I'm not sure... I guess because it feels like this grip I have on my new somewhat sane reality feels very tenuous and I'm scared to rock the boat. Same reason I haven't looked too hard at getting back into therapy even if it's not with the ketamine doc.

Interesting. Those thoughts have been brewing around in my subconscious for a long time with minimal answers and a lot of disassociating, so maybe getting them out here will help ease one of the many yelling voices in my mind.

THE PANEL OF JUDGES.

I have got to ask baby Al (who I am so grateful is in CHS as well - there's something to be said for friendships that will always be there ready to be resumed no matter how much time passes between seeing each other) which book it was that the author talked about the panel of judges in her head, because I think about it ALL THE TIME. My personal panel is comprised of SO MANY conflicting personalities that it contributes to my occasional 'do I have a personality disorder?' thought - I suppose working at the vet has given me back my sense of self in the fact that I show up to a job and work every day, which helps quiet those dark thoughts.

Are there times I've thought "fuck this, why on earth am I trying to start a new career, let's just dive into my kindle for a few weeks and pretend I died so I can get out of these obligations" ? Yes, at least daily. Why am I not more scared I'll give in to the thought? I suppose it goes back to that feeling of 'right' ... maybe this is what it's like to have faith in some way: I just know I'm meant to be doing what I'm doing, so even when I don't want to wake up at 5AM to express a dog's anal glands at an 8AM appt at a vet clinic 35 minutes from my apartment I do because on the deepest most intrinsic level I know that the alternative is not better.

Now last year, that's exactly what I did: played dead while reading my kindle from the room I was living in at Dutch's place starting around January - completely cutting off contact and 100% burning a bridge with my former boss and therefore most of the business world (I still haven't been back on LinkedIn since) - until I finally went to my sister's and then my parent's and decided to hesitantly embark on this new career path.

I suppose the way things fell in line with work/school after that are why it just feels right... as if it was all meant to be.

Anyways, my burnt forearm currently covered in 'medical grade manuka honey' and burn wraps is terribly itchy so it's time to shower and get back to my wild Saturday night of studying. Weirdly enough? I'm not even mad about it. Starting the new year off with a burn that 100% will leave a permanent scar I plan to cover with a tattoo eventually may not seem like a promising start to a year, but to me it feels right. This 'right' feeling is one I 100% plan to get used to, because I like it ... it feels a little like sanity. Or at least it feels like a version of insanity I don't mind - yeah, that's definitely more accurate.

Well, ta-ta for now future self ... there's another goal to still be accomplished someday, read through all of these. Maybe the goal will change, or maybe I'll do it eventually and actually put a book together... who knows? Not me, but for now I'm feeling good about focusing on this:

... I'll leave my future bestseller here to continue being the receptacle for the insanity in my mind until the time comes when I figure out what feels "right" to do with it all.

xoxo,
Still Just Me - But Less Mad About It (or, to quote a song lyric as a way to explain my thoughts as I have since I was a kid: "I ain't happy yet, but I'm way less sad")