I accept my shitty feelings!

Dear Speicher,

Today while I was trying to return to human form post-blob mode ALL day, I realized you were right! I don't know if you even remember saying this, but it stuck with me (see, I always listened to you - my memory is just selective). I was bitching about the adderall crash without having any other pills to 'take the edge off' - so already we know my self medicating wasn't quite working as well as I thought, but nonetheless you tried to instill some nice simple logic in my head- and it worked! It took awhile, but today I realized I can safely say I wish I had taken your advice sooner. So simple and yet so effective: "Sometimes you just have to accept the shitty feelings" ...at the time I was definitely thinking something along the lines of "fuck that", but now I realize I get it - I was numbing away everything. If I had felt the crash I'd probably have been less reliant on the adderall and therefore benzos. The painkillers would have persisted regardless once I tried them - but I would have gotten off them far sooner by accepting the shitty feelings.

It's funny how the simple things are the most effective, but in the throes of feeling horrific it's somewhat impossible to agree with or understand. Which makes sense... you don't hear someone broken and/or dead saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" because they were killed - even if just mentally. What I'm saying is, no one even says it while going through the hard times that they feel could kill them. I realize now I didn't say that at all, but there you have it. Speich, you didn't mention the stronger bit, but that's because we read each other's minds so I realize now that it still applies... feel free to disagree - damn, I really should learn how to integrate a comment/messaging system in here. Add it to the to-do list... along with learning just about everything related to this software besides the editor, ideally learning enough to build a foundation to learn to hack... but that's getting a bit ahead of ourselves. Patience, I am proving you can be taught.

I just got up and thought "wait, but why am I thanking him now? because I had the thought to write this earlier?" and now I'm curious (classic)... it's interesting that the answer isn't immediately obvious, a specific event triggering the thought - oh, wait yes there is, that's easy: I felt shitty but mentally was sane enough to think to meditate (one called "SOS for anxiety and stress" - winner, I love insight timer) and then shower, so that's why I thought about it. I was going about my day instead of trying to take anything to change how I felt, as I should have done the first time Speich suggested it. Well, anything other than the insane quantity of meds I'm prescribed... that's another thing I was thinking earlier, it should be impossible for me to be sad based on the supposed medical knowledge behind these pills - if anything, based on what I've read, I should have 'serotonin syndrome' from how many pills I take to increase those happy brain chemicals. That's why my eventual goal is to have weaned off everything. And because I want to be able to take acid/shrooms and actually trip - the meds don't seem to allow for that. Sanity is the priority though, so one day at a time.

Anyways, since this is a letter to Speich and someday I'll ask him to read it, I obviously need to point out that if not for you (and Tiz!) I would never have survived those years post-Jax (aka post break-up with the dog thief who will never be reading this because he'd kill me for calling him that). Your ability to understand what I want to say before I even know what I want to say is unparalleled, and I miss blobbing with you every day.... but you're on the top of my list of 'people to visit once car is fixed' because I miss our couch so much. Honestly, I think about that couch more often than I should. I don't even really watch TV anymore without it!! It's just my kindle... so sad, but funny because another thing I thought about earlier was wanting to put New Girl on for background noise before deciding that suffering in silence with my thoughts was a good idea.

Love you always and forever PS <3 thanks for being you. xx

wow that just made me tear up - wtf, enough of that sappiness