How I Know I've Lost My Mind

1. Smoking weed in the presence of a DEA agent (although in my defense, he said he didn't mind and still wants a 4th date - clearly I'm not putting across the 'just friends' memo well enough).
2. Ignoring my phone: as soon as I start looking at my phone as if I'm avoiding a message from the devil himself, it's time to re-evaluate things.
3. What healthy habits? Yeah, when it has been days since I last meditated, did yoga, took all my vitamins/supplements or any of the other millions of healthy habits I'm trying to cultivate, it's a bad sign.
4. Too much reading: another big one, because while reading obviously isn't the worst thing I could be doing, it's definitely a sign I'm disassociating from reality which may ease my free-fall into depression but certainly does not help me make any progress on the 'living well' plans.
5. Avoiding my to-do list: probably goes hand in hand with too much reading because I avoid my to-do lists (and everything else) by cuddling up with a book, but still worth noting that when I cringe at the sight of my various scattered lists it's another bad sign.
6. Lack of appetite: while I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the benefits of not eating, I also have spent enough years on the 'too skinny' side of the spectrum at this point to realize that when I fall asleep at night before eating any meals all day it's not even close to a win.
7. All or Nothing Behavior: RED ALERT. As soon as I realize I'm either doing 100 things at once or nothing at all it's time to stop, breathe, and take a mental inventory of what the fuck is going on in my head.
8. Looking to Maige to decide what to do/where to go: she's a dog, and as Doggy Dan the Dog Behavior Psychologist so accurately pointed out, she's looking at me to be in charge. That means that when I continually catch myself wandering around outside asking here where we should go next, or don't get out of bed without her encouragement, it's a problem. Hopefully knowing that she will have less anxiety when she's confident I'm 'the pack leader' is going to be the motivation I need to get out of this slump.

I'm sure there's more, but that's certainly more than enough to prove that before diving back into learning Python, prepping behavioral interview answers, or working on ProPet Content, I need to:

S
T
O
P

B R E A T H E

and think.

Idk why I typed it like that, and the lack of symmetry is annoying me, but whatever - focus Sammi! Now that I've confirmed almost a complete loss of sanity it's time to figure out how to reel it in and get back to the positive progress I was making.

How? Well, obviously I know the answer there (healthy habits and generally just doing the opposite of those 8 things listed above), but the tricky part isn't knowing what to do, it's making sure I don't let my brain get back into the darkness of "why bother?" or "who cares?" or, as my favorite rehab counselor would say: "before getting a case of 'the fuck it's'."

Luckily, I have Maige. I may not be motivated to do anything for my own benefit - a clear case of self-loathing that I'm going to need to discuss with the doc in our appt Thursday, ugh - but I certainly am motivated to do everything for her benefit. Now that I've watched those dog psychology videos and understand why making sure she knows I'm in charge is important (to fix her only problem: separation anxiety), she's going to become my savior even more than usual. If I can't get my shit together for myself, then at the very least I'll get it together enough to convince her I'm not completely losing it.

Returning To The Land of The Living & Sane:

Alrighty that all sounds well and good, but what does it mean for almost 11AM on a Sunday? I guess I'll take a stab at the whole 'making a goal, writing it down, and outlining the plan to reach it' idea.

Goal: Avoid free-falling into depression.

Actionable steps:
1. After publishing this (without re-reading or editing or taking more than 1 minute to screenshot a picture for it), finish the Python course before doing anything else. ANYTHING else - no checking emails, no texting, no falling into any of the millions of rabbit holes that seem to suck-up the hours I do manage to drag myself away from my kindle.
2. Gratitude: not sure where that thought came from, but I'll roll with it because despite my concerns for my mental stability, I have plenty to be grateful for and that's what I need to focus on. Thinking about the fact I have been interviewing with the same companies for going on 2 months without an offer yet, or whether or not I'll ever give up my independent lifestyle (hahhh, independent lifestyle? right, because hiding in my parent's guesthouse while trying to find a job/get my life back on track is 'independent' - whatever, cut the self-criticsm Sammi, now is not the time!) to find companionship of the 2-legged variety as opposed to the 4-legged type before my youth is completely gone, or where the hell I am going to live once I do get a job is clearly not helpful. So, after doing the Python course I'll get back to my lovely little gratitude lists that I had been so good about writing daily before I decided to jump off the 'progress' train and back onto the one leading to nothing but darkness.
3. EAT SOMETHING. Maybe that should have been number 1? Whatever, I'll consult my notes on this goal setting thing to figure out how important it is that the 'steps to achieve goal' are in chronological order.
4. Meditate: how is it that I can KNOW how much better I feel after doing something that takes FIVE MINUTES (or less! I started with just 2 minutes a day and still felt better!) and still manage to not do it for days!?!?! That is a mystery for another day, because today I am going to walk to the end of the lovely dock at this lovely beach house that I'm extra grateful for now that I know it's officially sold (so weird, it happened so fast - within 1 day of helping my dad get the pics & info to the realtor they had a cash buyer) and sit still emptying my annoying fucking mind for at least 5 minutes.
5. Yoga: As I noted in my last post, hanging upside down helps and it's quite a good workout based on how sore I get afterwards. So, get my ass back upside down.
6. Maige: she's the key here, and I'm banking on the fact that I need to get my shit together for her sake to get numbers 1-5 done today rather than publishing this and curling back up with my kindle. Since she's the key, I think it's time to finally figure out how to train her for volunteer work. So, the action items would be ... spend 1 hour researching the requirements/what I'd have to do to be able to use her as one of those nice dogs that visit kids in the hospital - or whatever else I find. The main point is to make sure I do more than just think about what a nice idea it is, I need to actually research how to go about getting started.
7. ProPet Content: I have got to be better about not getting sidetracked with stupid things like making a logo and keep focused on the action items I already wrote out in order to feel good about finally starting the damn e-mail campaign. Plus, after I launch it, it'll be fun to take more videos of Maige to create more sample content - and that was one of the many pieces of advice I've gathered on my self-improvement readings: "approach life with a playful attitude" ... I can do that. Ooh and since I only have 2 more months of access to this glorious setting for filming content, I need to make sure I get as much as possible.

Okay, there we go, no free-falling into depression today! God knows I have more than enough to do to stay busy to keep the dark thoughts at bay, it's just a matter of actually doing them instead of being overwhelmed by them. Maybe from now on when I notice myself slipping into the darkness I can snap out of it by writing a plan for the day here - or not here, just ... anywhere. Whatever, my point is, I have a WONDERFUL life: my parents are the nicest humans ever, I adore them and my siblings, I have the cutest niece and nephew waiting for me to return to North Carolina, my dog is by far the best dog on the planet, the friends I care about know not to take offense to the fact I sometimes go days without answering my phone (usually then only to bombard them with alllllll my thoughts at once - even the DEA agent has said he's used to my absurd texting style, so that's nice!) and I love them (especially you Amanda!), I look phenomenal despite feeling miserable (shallow? yes, but if my 16 year old self could see me now, she'd be baffled as to how I'm ever depressed while being tan & toned), and despite the misery of job searching I have managed to budget well enough that I'll still be able to pay my student loans, car payment, and other general expenses through 2024. If I don't have a job by then, I'll ensure I have more clients for ProPet Content and cover my expenses that way. See, brain? Failure isn't happening, so stop being so dark and dreary in there!

Potential life-hack: turn on The Bitch Bible podcast next time I'm trying to motivate myself to get away from my kindle and into the land of the living.

Alright, time to start this list and achieve my goals - well, at least the goal of not back-tracking into depression. I've come way too far to give up now, and if I can remember to focus on the good things in my life instead of constantly worrying then I'll be just fine. Besides, Maige needs me to be fine, so that's that.

xoxo,
Sammi