i survived!!!

quick and dirty update before I can think myself back to anxiety land: I SELF DETOXED FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME OFF ALL THE PILLS!! I'm absolutely appalled/astonished at the brain's ability to ... hm... self-select which aspects of reality it focuses on? I clearly knew at some level that I was still relying on adderall and xanax to get through the day, but I can't emphasize enough how well my conscious mind filtered it out each day. I guess it's a survival mechanism? I just know that I always figured "no way can I be this miserable and still high, so this must be sobriety" ... nope, it gets worse.

SILVER LINING

that sounds depressing, but obviously I'm lucky as fuck to have gotten out of that vicious cycle of hell. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't taken some adderall or xanax a few days after the 3 weeks of self-detoxing (misery), but at least I don't live with permanent subconscious panic thinking that I can't wake up and live throughout the day without a cocktail of chemicals strong enough to knock out a horse. The crazy part is that I wasn't even enjoying taking them - it made detoxing easier, because I just was more tired/anxious than usual.... but I was already at a point of such misery that just giving up to the fact that I was still an active addict wasn't as bad as I expected - and if I find myself in trouble again, I will use this to hold myself accountable and get my ass to detox. No need to keep suffering through it myself, I've learned that from finally being honest with my family.

you're only as sick as your secrets

A few weeks ago my mom said "it must feel somewhat better knowing that we know now and you don't have to live with such an awful secret right?" and I was like 'yeah mom, you're quoting the big book' ... she didn't know what that was, but I thought she was kidding in thinking that she had come up with it herself. Unreal. I owe my parents the world and more though, because they both have taken this in stride in a way I should have given them more credit for from the start.

Reality Awaits

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing past the next 24 hours, but I do know that I survived my first event sober (Al and Jesse's wedding, woo!!) and am still getting paid thanks to FMLA. Will I go back to work? Where will I live in September? No clue, but for now I'm loving being back in CT with my family and all the animals (yeah, never EVER thought I'd say that...)

For now, time to go enjoy my time with my sissy and darling nephew :) I'll be back, because it's safe to say my future bestseller absolutely helped me reach the reality conclusion way sooner than I would have otherwise.