i'm alive

For now at least, I've been granted a pardon before execution - I can breathe! It's great, and I'm attempting to not worry about how to make it last so I decided to livestream my stupid thoughts that won't shut up... because god forbid I re-read the posts from the dark days I've barely emerged from, I'd be right back in the depths of misery.

THINKING OUT LOUD aka LIVESTREAM 12/16

fucking made it to the 2nd to last week of December - weird that I was slowly just starting to emerge from the depression fog as I turned 30, but honestly it could be worse (or my anti-depressants are just working, unclear). Philosophical thoughts have been overwhelming my brain whenever I'm not engaged in some sort of simple task - and that bar for 'simple' needs to be raised real quick if I want to stay on my track for global domination (jk - survival without active addiction would be fine)... but it's fiiiine, I'm focused on my recovery... despite the lack of activities done to actually be doing anything towards my recovery other than staying sober. Fuck. No no actually,

I have been updating my therapist weekly (hey, Steve!) but I need to write there more...

Maybe the issue is I need to do things more regularly - develop that routine so that I don't feel like I'm tottering between spiraling out of control in a manic "omg this feeling won't last so I have to get everything in" or laying in pure misery consumed by the darkness in my brain. Manic/Depressive, wonder if that's listed against my name in any medical records... maybe if I would make the appointment for the neuro-eval I've been avoiding then I'd know.

Why do I make things so difficult for myself? Reading this I want to tell myself "then just fucking do it you idiot" (that's what I'd be thinking if I was doing my usual activity, reading the first decent book I can find - I rip through multiple books per day on my dark days) ... but alas, this is my life. How will I fix it? I don't know, I guess that's why I'm here - after wanting nothing but freedom from addiction for so many years, I forget what my real goals ever were.

Did I have any? In my memories, I always just had a hazy image that things would be awesome - no real specifics, just some sort of badass existence that would settle my soul. So far I haven't figured out the magical ingredients to settle my soul, but I'm working on it.

Life Lesson #(I would know the number if my dad hadn't thrown my first portion of this list away with my old journals... but I'm not holding a grudge or anything):

• I love lingerie, Denver, Unique/Important-to-me Art (like malfy's), and ice cream... not in that order, just the first things that came to mind. OH, and hanging upside down on my yoga swing!
• I hate .. ugh I wish my first automatic response wasn't "myself" but it was and the rule I internally set before writing was that I'd write my first thought... that's certainly something to think about - at another date and time.

...not to run away just when the emotional processing starts, but I have a pizza to eat with my famjam ;)