Is THIS What Normal Is!?

Seriously, I said this many times today: it feels like I've been granted a reprieve from the dark cloud of hell I've been under. I don't mean my usual 15 minute "just write out your thoughts in the blog!" type reprieve, I mean I had a good day. Why? Not a fucking clue. I haven't done anything differently, yet yesterday I was crying because of literally nothing (well, I had to go to CVS because Mikey forgot his license to grab my meds... yeah, NOTHING) and today I've been skipping around marveling at how on earth I could have wasted all week being depressed.

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

To be clear here, I'm not complaining. While I'd love to know what made today different so I could replicate it, I'll gladly take the respite from HELL. That's what depression (or whatever the fuck is wrong with me) is ... it's hell. living like that has to be what's waiting down there if such a place exists. I don't get it, today I got up and took Denver to the park with none of my usual existential crises ahead of time... there was no pausing to wonder if I should do 48329 things first... I didn't panic about doing anything... sigh. I don't get my brain. All I know is that if darling Dr. C doesn't have some answers for me after the hell that was my neuro-eval on Monday then I'm seriously going to lose whatever sanity I have left.

I even have GROCERIES coming in 5 hours!!! I usually don't remember to eat, and tonight I had the foresight to decide to get grocery delivery for the AM so that this weekend I'm all set and ready to make Denver's dinner? (Yes, Denver's dinner: doesn't mean I plan on making food for myself, that'd be far too much progress).

This is why I can't let myself focus on dating for anything more than entertainment purposes... how could I when I don't know who I'll be in the next hour?

Maybe this is just life - Baby Nicole kind of hinted at that right after I had a similar conversation with Emily. We weren't saying that I'm not crazy - just that most people drive themselves similarly nuts thinking about all the things I'm thinking about. That damn neurologist really hit the nail on the head asking if I have a purpose... but that's just too much to think about right now. What I mean is, maybe the whole 'drug issue' was really just what I blamed for all the other shit going on in my head that I needed solved... and that's why 'regular sober life' feels like a permanent detox... because it is. This is just life. Yes, I have to get the depression under control or else I'm doomed to do nothing but read on my kindle until I die... but that's totally doable. I don't know, but this writing is suddenly making me a bit morose, and that's not the point of this - time for bed and praying to the sweet universe that this wasn't a 1 day pardon.