it's all about the chemicals

How is it possible that it's just fucked up chemical imbalances in my head making me feel this way? I will admit I own some of the responsibility for unbalancing said chemicals: I need to eat healthier, workout more, meditate, do yoga, stop procrastinating with work, be better at "recovery" in general- oh that nicely includes the adderall that makes it worse. Ironically though, it is the only way I know to snap myself out of it enough to function like a normal human. "Normal" ... hm. I guess I just want to want to do more than lay in bed reading my kindle. It can't be healthy to cut yourself off from the rest of the world just laying in bed reading - especially when I know there's a long to-do list I should be doing. Somehow I'm writing this realizing none of it conveys the depth of my unsettled despair. I'm standing over my computer where I just pulled ghostPro up so quickly, because for some reason this entire project has become another thing avoided by my irrational brain. Apparently unless what I'm doing is being completely antisocial in bed with my kindle/'making' candles (aka playing with ones I've already made as if I'm some sort of scientist, but with no hypothesis) then it's part of "THE TO-DO's" ... everything from conversations I don't want to have, places I don't want to go, to projects at work I don't want to do. The problem is, I can't only want to lay - that's literally the definition of depression. But how do I motivate myself to get better when I can barely handle the bare minimum activities? This required more mental trickery than I even want to contemplate - as if I had to trick myself into writing. I was going to write to my therapist, but maybe I'll just direct him here (hey, Steve! this is the benefit of knowing you'll the only one I maybe will send the link to). Sigh. FUCK IT. (but not 'the fuck its' - still no opiates. I can stick to that, even if it means laying in bed all day most days.)