"just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." - 2.4.21

I'M TRYING at this recovery thing... which, come to find out, is actually just called living your life. Terrifying. Anyways, enough of that darkness for now. I need to get this out of my head without sacrificing my dignity - so here I am. At the bottom of an entry because I already had thought of 3 other things to do in the 5 seconds it took me to sit and start typing by the time I decided to... can't lose the thoughts! More like I need a reality check... I drive myself insane. That's why I'm here, to slow down the thoughts and get rid of all the ones I don't need - like this.

Things I could say (but shouldn't):

What were you going to finish your sentence with when you said that you didn't know I was an addict but figured there was a reason... fill in the blank, because I can't and it's kinda driving me nuts. It's that, but not because we've slept together - because of my own processing sense of myself and have very few people I trust enough to talk to about it all so I'd be sad to lose him as a friend, which I've seen happen since I've been in the dating game long enough to watch a few of the good fish I tossed back to sea getting hooked. Usually (or up to this point in my life I guess I should say) I don't care about the fact my communication with them reduces to only superficial conversations on social media, so why do I now? I've hooked up with two (3?) people this past year since getting clean, and only 1 knew me pre-rehab... so this is technically the first sort of romantic-feeling related issue I've given much thought to (sorry A).

Interesting - I drifted from my initial task really quickly... if the train of thought comes back, I'll catch it. If not... fuck that thought!

In the spirit of capturing all honest thoughts that make it to typed words:

Original Excerpt after tagging this post as a livestream in the settings and originally titling this "Reality Check - 2.4.21": Ooh just realized the title and tag contradict each other based on the fact I described "reality checks" as the opposite of Livestreams... typical. time to rename!

And so rename I did... because I'm fucking swimming, that's for sure.

I lost 5 minutes of thoughts - for the best or worst I'm not sure, but I had some train of thought going and I'm wondering if I want to try and continue it... yeah, fuck it - oh wow, it gets it's own post actually but whatever i'll keep it here and just title the new one "Marriage Sucks" or something:

MARRIAGE SUCKS! I realize that I'm a hypocrite for ever pretending to anyone that I have any desires to be wife material anytime soon, but in my defense I checked myself into rehab shortly after, largely because of how low I felt about that awfully messy romantic situation. I'd love to have my soulmate next to me for life's adventures, but I'm also positive that being alone (with Denver, he's going to outlive me) is preferable to being with most people... the question is, will I regret thinking this way? What's fucking nagging at me is what Shane implied- although I really need to confirm the end of his sentence - single/bumble? neither?? Basically the age-old notion that unfortunately society has also conditioned me to believe: that there's a reason he met an "attractive, independently funded female" my age on an app... Although I need to remember, confirming what he thinks doesn't matter (despite the unruly thoughts that are disagreeing) what matters is my sanity above all else always (aka no relying on opiates to get through the day - or doing them ever) .... and keeping him as a friend matters. For many reasons, but for right now most importantly because THAT is why I think marriage sucks: it ruins other potentially great relationships/friendships since cheating is frowned upon and most honorable guys don't put themselves into situations where they would be able to pick right back up with an ex-hookup. I'm being pedantic, but my overall dilemma is real: why is society so bent on everyone getting married, and how can I make sure to do my part to change that? Or, in tiny dark moments and my deepest darkest thoughts, I wonder if someday I'll look back at this writing and laugh at my idealistic ass...