just so many thoughts, all the time
... SO many. I always think about something I heard this past year (I can't even remember from what anymore): humans can speak in only 1/2 the amount of time it takes other people to hear. this "fact" (despite hundreds of times telling myself to research it, I haven't yet) is what has led me to interpret and far too often think about the fact that (despite the intention of whatever I was listening to) I can think 2x as fast as I can speak... meaning I can't get the words out of my head quick enough. My other interpretation is that it means while people are listening, they have time/room to have thoughts about more than just what you are saying (I think that's the intended one - goddamn I need to find wherever I heard that from, I think it was just a show or ad or part of a book maybe? sigh.)
Anyways, I was sending that type of absurd thinking to Mollie via text (bless her soul, at least I know that she understands the lack of malevolence behind my inability to accurately articulate my feelings/intentions lately) when I realized this was the type of time I need to livestream my thoughts here. If only I had a "thought to text" device - I was thinking about that yesterday actually, because I realized that would likely mean that if such technology existed we probably would be able to hear our pets talk! There was a guy at the park whos dog had cancer last month who said he wished those existed, and I couldn't agree more - not only because I'd OF COURSE be thrilled to hear Denver's thoughts (although I'm pretty sure I do anyways... we spend that much time together that I can read his facial expressions), but I also would be thrilled to have the ability to capture all my thoughts on paper like this without the need for the act of me thinking about typing/writing too.
When I first sat down, my thought was "PANIC - no one else on the planet can possibly have this many thoughts per second, why does my brain do this to me? How do I make it stop?" but as I thought down naturally the instant self-answering thought was "meditation - duh." So, once again, all signs point to meditation as a way to not be an anxious, mental illness ridden, pill-popping disaster... and doesn't yoga slow your mind down too? Definitely. Damn, writing my thoughts out has ANOTHER bonus: a running list of all the things I think about that I want to research/look into later! What a win this is - "raw material for when I'm more mentally stable.... which at this rate is looking like maybe my 40th birthday" as I said to Molls before deciding to stop sending her paragraph long texts and write the same things here.
That's what I was thinking about before the "thinking about thinking" started. Friends. There's just so much packed in that word - it means different things to different people, for different people. For me I even realize that it's meant different things over time, just like how I remember learning that different cultures use the word more/less commonly depending on how much of the 'close relationship' part of the definition factored into it and how high the bar was set for that. I think it's that in some other language, the people use the word only for what Americans would call "best/closest" friends - so our casual use of it for people we've just met startles them. Typing this out seems like "okay, so, why are you thinking about this?" ... you know why I thought that, self? Because I don't want to get past the concept of friends and get into what I was really thinking about - my own friendships and whether or not my interpretation of the word is changing. Getting into why is just risking far too many emotions I'm not sure I could deal with. Feels like a "tomorrow problem" for sure - besides, didn't I just learn that meditation is the cure? I absolutely have to go do that first - future self will not be proud, but hey meditating is better than not meditating! win! alright, I can't let my thoughts argue with themselves while typing them anymore - there's only so much a girl can take in one night whilst being so self-deprecating. Livestream feed into anxiety land... how will I ever want to read this again in the future to edit for a blog? Maybe I won't - it'll just stay here, privacy protected, my online journal of sorts where I can practice coding... LATER, because I'm going to meditate! goddamn, goodbye.
Update a minute later: just realized, everything will be better when my water machine parts arrive - it broke a few days ago and the replacement parts aren't here yet... obviously, that will fix everything. Jk, it didn't in 2015 (although I still do like it and therefore am fine with agreeing that it does make me feel healthier/better - I'm sure 90% placebo effect, but there's no denying the fact it changes your internal overall pH level based on the UTI I got august 2018, 2 months after I moved and hadn't had it hooked up at the new place because the sinks at that apartment didn't fit it... my year without good water. Too bad it took quite awhile after I started drinking it again to finally get to rehab or else maybe I'd give it more credit. OMG GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND GO MEDITATE SAMMI, YOU HAVE A PROJECT TO FINISH!
But first - had to play fetch with denver. Can't leave this screen up, bad idea. bye, yes future self don't worry I will have meditated!