Kids First, Ego Last

Title stolen from a chapter title from a book I'm forgetting the name and author of but will link here eventually! It's one of the qualities on my very important list below - and has a ring to it that's made the phrase stick in my head since last night.

Note to self: the quality of the voice recordings I finally got up for my last 2 posts is horrendous - need to work on that if I plan to utilize them more often. But at least they're up, and I don't think my future self (certainly not my today self) needs to listen to my sad thoughts from moving day anyways so the quality is as good as it needs to be - for now. I still think it was important to capture my heartbreak as it happened for the sake of both learning lessons and being authentic, but getting it compressed to a size GhostPro allowed was enough extra effort.

HOMEWORK TIME

I haven't forgotten about my therapy homework. Have I waited until the day before my next appointment on purpose? Ugh, no, I have to reschedule it anyways. Here's a hard truth for my authenticity desiring self: Despite my no dating rule, I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit to wanting to get the list of qualities required in my future soulmate done before potentially visiting Dutch (and the roommate he wants to set me up with) this weekend. Clearly my feelings have a mind of their own so while maybe it would just be a fun night or 2, I'm not risking meeting anyone until I think this list through. Why? I suppose having my heart broken taught me that I should have deal breakers - otherwise known as standards, perhaps? Hah... Up until the last few weeks, I truly believed I did not have any 'dealbreakers' and that love was all that mattered. HOT TIP: it's not. Love isn't enough, whether that's depressing or not I painfully found out that it's the truth. Not very romantic, but thinking love conquered all is what eventually shattered my heart and made me lose sanity temporarily - so fuck romance. Getting this list of traits I want/need in a future soulmate before even entertaining the possibility of meeting a guy feels very important. MORE importantly, if I know who I'm looking for I'll start to become that type of person … at least according to the doc. She hasn't failed me yet, so it's worth a shot.  

I've thought on this all week: which qualities MUST exist in a person (and myself) before I "settle down" … naturally I also wondered what if I never find someone with these qualities? At least I'll know I never settled out of loneliness, and I'll be a better person for working to become the person I need. Hey, this ties in with the video/reel (whatever) my dad sent me about confidence: "stop trying, start trusting (yourself)." Drumroll please...

THE LIST!

1. Trust --> I have always known this, so why did I let myself think I could stay in a relationship with someone who needed to look at my phone to trust me? Trust is a 2 way street, and I'm not shackling myself to anyone unless I trust them more or as much as I trust myself AND they know me well enough to never need to question whether or not I love them and only them. I learned a lot of lessons from that short-lived yet intense relationship, and the biggest one is that in order to be trusted I have to be trustworthy. That means I have to have NO doubts I'm in love with zero desire/need for back-up options/plans (or a roster: the method did serve me quite well for years, but it's time to grow up) before even considering exclusively dating someone, never mind saying the words 'I love you'. Based on the loss of sanity & pain felt over that relationship, it's a lesson I'll never forget and a mistake I'll never make again - silver lining for the win! Where was this logic when I needed it? Missing due to overwhelming feelings, which is why I'm writing this before even venturing out into the big bad world again.
2. Kids First, Ego Last (must text sis for that book name/author) --> For better or worse, my parents' style of raising me has resulted in valuing children over all else. Do they drive me insane a lot? Of course. Did I ever doubt they loved me? Not once. That is what's important to me - I'm worried this quality would result in me spoiling my own kids, which is one of many reasons I'm not itching to be a parent despite being 32, but it doesn't change the fact that if I'm ever going to settle down with someone else they need to be willing to sacrifice anything and everything for their kids. Actually, not even just their kids - my niece and nephew aren't mine, but I'd do anything for them - all kids. Children are the only innocents - okay maybe some are born bad, but the majority deserve the best chance at life they can get. I always said I wanted to open an orphanage to help the 'unwanted' kids, so this value makes sense to me and was the only one besides trust that I came up with during my session.
3. Loyalty/Faithfulness --> duh! I guess it almost was so obvious it goes without saying, but then again I learned loyalty means different things to different people. To me it goes hand in hand with trust: I want to be with someone that puts no one else (besides kids of course) before me - no, before us - within reason. Sometimes I need someone to pull me back from being my own worst enemy rather than blind loyalty. Experience has shown I'm not the type of person attracted to someone worshipping me, so I'm not looking for that type of ego-satisfying obsession type of loyalty. That's what instagram followers are for (hah). I'm looking for, and want to be, loyal in every way that matters: with actions. Don't tell me you love me, show me. For example, if someone accused my future soulmate of sexual harassment I want there to be NO doubt in my mind that it's a false accusation. I just read about that situation in a book so it's top of mind, but it illustrates how I view loyalty perfectly. Same goes for rumors of cheating - I want someone (and want to be someone) who is so incapable of that level of deceit and has proven to be so loyal and faithful that no one could convince me otherwise. I realize loyalty would generally mean blindly standing by someone regardless, but I want to know someone so deeply that there isn't a doubt in my mind. Crimes that don't involve hurting anyone (that doesn't deserve it) are another story - throw me a shovel and I'll help bury the (metaphorical) bodies as long as I trust that the person is a good soul and faithful to our relationship.
4. Independent --> I used to joke that I had to marry an orphan because I couldn't handle another set of parents... while that's a bit drastic, I value independence just as much as the first 3 qualities. Maybe that's because I have worked hard to never need to ask anyone for anything? I know having a healthy relationship with parents (especially mothers since I am 99% sure my soulmate is a male … unless a lesbian works some magic on me, which I won't count out completely) is meant to be a sign of great qualities in a man, but I've met plenty of momma's boys that treat women like shit so I'm not convinced. Respecting parents is important to me, but relying on mom (and/or dad or anyone really) to solve every problem life throws is a surefire way to drive me insane. Hell, never mind solve every problem, it used to annoy me how often my ex* asked then informed me of his mom's opinion - I realize that's petty because both he and his mom are great humans, but I can't deny it annoyed the hell out of me for years. Maybe I should only date orphans … no no, a person can be independent while still having a support network. Hell, I'm literally living at my sister's writing about how I need someone independent - sounds conflicting, but as always the 'why' is what matters to me. I could be in Florida alone since my parents are traveling (or I could have gotten an apartment and paid for it with an Only Fans account or found a sugar daddy - plenty of options!) … but I am here to ensure I have some external accountability: aka to make sure I don't lay in bed isolated reading books 24/7 or give up and go back to taking pills to make shit happen (I'd sooner die, which is why I over-corrected and isolated myself so much). My desire for independence and unwillingness to get a free ride keep me going now in a way living alone sober-ish didn't: I stay busy helping my sister & her husband so that it's helpful to have me here rather than a burden. I'm still surprised I accepted that I need help in the form of this external accountability in order to ensure I'm healthy, but it's a decision that I'm proud of - hey, there's progress! I guess my conclusion here is that being independent doesn't mean never asking for help, it means knowing when you need it without taking advantage of anyone else. In my ideal world that would be never, but life doesn't work that way and I'm not blind to the fact I'd be up shit's creek without a paddle if not for my family and few loyal friends. Plus, sissy's in-laws (aka my in-laws because I love them so much) have proven that I do have the capacity to love/appreciate more parents in my life. Alright, internal conflict over the definition of the independent quality I desire is solved. NEXT:
5. "Effortlessly good looking" just came to mind, and I realize that's shallow but if I stop writing my unedited thoughts then what's the point? Especially since good looks are influenced by personality - I know plenty of guys who aren't 'traditionally handsome' but seem more attractive because they're confident/funny/whatever. So whilst the doc may disapprove, on the list it stays. Note: effortless is the key word here - I will never date a Tom Sandoval type guy who spends more time & money on his hair and wardrobe than I ever would dream to.
6. HANDY! I suppose this ties in with independent, but nothing is sexier than a guy who can fix anything and everything. Car problems, appliances, whatever else ... perhaps I should start looking into hiring a handy-man (is that still the term?) and dating them? No, this is meant to be a list of qualities that I (eventually will) also possess... oh so yes, then all my home-made furniture and quick-fixes may not be the ideal version of 'handy', but I've never been one to call a professional for something I can do myself (for better or worse... really need to get a real haircut, but that's besides the point).

*the ex I formerly called the dog thief - a mistake on my part: RIP Jax, I'm glad you were exactly where you needed to be when life threw the worst at him.

In Conclusion...

I think that's all. Maybe I'll add to it eventually, but even 'handy' (maybe the doc will have a better word for it) really just ties into independence... so the big ones are: Trust, Loyalty, Independence, and Kids First. Time to start ensuring that I trust myself, am loyal to my best interests, claw my way back to independence, and continue prioritizing the wants & needs of kids (specifically my niece and nephew for now - hopefully an entire orphanage someday) over my own. This reminds me of that book I loved about 7 strangers stranded on an island that only 1 person would be allowed to leave - I remember it so well because the idea of choosing to live with nothing in order to be able to live with your soulmate is the only type of love I'll "settle" for.

Alright, it's time to get back to my job search/coding lessons since finding steady income is the #1 step to getting my own place and therefore independence back. Maybe I should think outside the box more about what I want to do for work... ah, thinking outside the box is why I printed out a 17 page 'career report' from an online astrology shop earlier. I'll start with reading that, maybe it'll change the direction of my job search - because there's being patient and then there's the definition of insanity: repeating the same thing expecting different results. I need to find the right balance of relentlessly pursuing an analytics career and coming up with other ways to make money...

Ta ta for now future self, I hope you've got plenty of income streams and are living on the island of stray dogs with your soulmate and a bunch of orphaned kids by the time you're brave enough to re-read/edit this!

xoxo,
Work-In-Progress Sammi

P.S. I cannot believe I made that whole list without mentioning dogs. I should change the title and that list item to "Kids and dogs first" … but I'd never love anyone that didn't love Maige, so I suppose it goes without saying. That reminds me of the first (and last) date I had with a great guy who is deathly allergic to dogs - that's the only reason the first date was the last date, and I didn't even have a dog at the time. Yeah, I can live without it on the list since my love of dogs is a quality I don't need to put any work/thought into... which is what my goal is for that entire list: to personify those qualities so much I don't even think about them. Nice, it makes sense that loving dogs is the first one I've succeeded with. HEY, so is not doing drugs! Look at that, absolutely progress since it didn't cross my mind until now (but for the record, 'sober-ish' is inherently part of that list).

P.P.S. Haven't even hit publish yet and still keep thinking in terms of "requirements gathering" like I would for work - there's "must haves" and then "nice to haves" … so let's get them all out of my head and out here and continue my day.

"NICE TO HAVES"

My 'nice to have' list of qualities: adventurous in bed (physical touch is my love language so maybe I should put that on the required list? TBD), animal lover, motivated to make money (I certainly could use the push of a motivated partner), enjoys relaxing and exercising, doesn't mind cooking (now we're getting a bit extra so might as well go for broke) and likes cleaning. OH and someone who is a planner, because god knows I'm not and therefore anyone I'm going to share my life with needs to be the right balance of being organized/making plans and being spontaneous - I'd go nuts with someone who refused to ever deviate from their plans, but I have quite a lot of room for improvement in the planning department. That is why I am reading the 'Atomic Habits' book summary, so that I can learn to make healthy habits and think further ahead instead of just instant gratification. Yes, I could die tonight - but so far that hasn't happened, so it's time to live with less reckless abandon and more strategy. Yawn - ugh, that yawn/bored reaction to the idea of planning or having a routine is what has gotten me into so many messes and is absolutely a negative thought I need to change.  

THE END. I'm not even going to admit how long I spent on this, but I know I sent my last text to Amanda (love you) over an hour and a half ago - and had started this before then but stopped to walk the dogs with Caden. Time well spent? Yes, because I'm feeling better than I have in months now. Woo!