Lessons Learned 3.15.21
I hate this, but I can't accurately make conclusions based on my behavior to understand what I want to do with my life- unless I keep recording all the things I think of writing about. the unraveling as it happens, if you will. catching myself in the act! today?
the day I lost my mind more than usual
...seriously, thankfully I avoided being committed to a secure mental facility by convincing myself to be a monk- well, maybe not a monk, but I am staying off social media and only texting when necessary. Which leads into the lesson learned I came here to write:
- Questioning sending something via text? CALL INSTEAD. Won't call? Then don't text it, dumbass.
...that's more of rule than a lesson. hm. no, as soon as I call it a rule I might as well consider it broken and therefore useless. I don't even know if I have others but I'll give it a shot:
- the basics are what work, even if it doesn't feel like it while doing it - heyy this sounds similar to my favorite quote from nicole's brother, "you don't work out for how you feel about working out, you do it for how you feel about yourself after" ... I've definitely twisted that to my own wording over time, but my point is, it clearly applies as evidenced today.
- Wait a minute, so all I learned is to do things? no, because I should not have been dating... well, at least not unless I was doing it without speaking. a la a monk ;)
- Alright, the lessons aren't quite crystallized yet, but I at least want to remember that I now know why Cat Marnell titled her book "How to Murder Your Life" - that's exactly what it feels like I've been doing for a decade, murdering my life. No trauma to blame, just me myself and I... but at least I'm holding myself accountable I guess? TBD on that.
I guess I was right about the whole having a routine thing earlier too. fine fine fine, shut the hell up please brain, I need a damn moment of peace.
this was too long, but it is a sadly relevant sentence:
I questioned if I had multiple personalities and came too close to suicidal thoughts for the first time. THAT'S today's latest insanity, let's hope it's the first and last time this happens rather than turning into a pattern of behavior... no, not hope, KNOW. right. got it.
Hit published, remembered what I meant to include... per usual: The only way I'll be able to tell when I'm as healed as I can be is when I start making this something I want people to read rather than a tool for my survival.
UPDATE: 3/19/21
Well well well, I can't believe it but I actually applied some lessons learned! Well not exactly the ones listed above, but for the first time I moved from self awareness to self-correction and was so damn happy I typed it all into a note on my phone while on my mini-last minute getaway to the woods with denver to eventually update here. Making it a new post, but seeing this up on my desktop was too perfectly timed not to comment ;) xx