life is so weird.

I have had a continual thought lately (besides the title): "these paragraphs of texts should really go into MFBS posts and not to [insert name of the poor soul receiving the text here]" because I'm clearly trying to process ... a lot, and need to just get everything out of my head more often so it doesn't end up spilling out in conversation. I'm not sure if that's how life works, but I can at least hope.

Should I stay or should I go now?

That song has been stuck in my head, because technically I had a shitty past week - well at least last thursday through yesterday. End result: lost 'all' (only totaled 3) of my friends in Raleigh. I thought about venting out my thoughts here, but Allie & Nicole (love you guys) got those texts instead. Per usual, Allie was right "we've survived far worse." I was just walking Maige thinking about that, and it reminded me of how a few days ago while thinking about writing here instead of doing it I had intended on making a pro/con list of staying in Raleigh vs. moving somewhere else - not before my lease is up or anything, but just to know where in the world I plan on living at this time next year would be nice (as-if. I barely know where in the world I'll be in 10 minutes... unless I use past experience, in which case duh, home).

More Importantly

That reminds me (this is effectively a delayed live-stream .... yeah it's an oxymoron but I don't care) there's a few main re-occuring thoughts I have to get out here:

After writing that post (I'll link it someday when I have the courage to get that close to reading it... you'd think it was a bomb. I guess that's what some of my more avoided trains of thoughts are... thought bombs. what a visual. anyways....) I've been feeling better. Not sure if I've already mentioned I'm off birth control now (ah I have a journal entry written somewhere to paste in here, that's where I mentioned it) but it's coinciding with an overall general feeling of ... better-ness. improvement? It's subtle, but definitely there. I think the combo of writing out my 'continued self-medicating just without the forbidden fruit' and the hormone shift from not being on birth control is resulting in serious improvements, and one has a majorly good side effect: I haven't been relying on any self-medicating as much! I was almost scared to write this out and jynx it - as if I'd run off and take a bunch of RC's and kratom before curling up in bed with a book immediately after saying it (chances of that happening are probably high, but whatever AT LEAST I'M WRITING ABOUT IT AND BEING HONEST FIRST... accountability!? I don't know) but yeah, here I am. I'm even off vyvanse!! Wow how did I almost forget to add that? It's something I expected to send me into a spiral of bed-ridden depression, but I barely cared enough to even email my doctor. I haven't even checked if CVS filled it and just didn't tell me yet! It's insane, but I'm not mad about my lack of reliance on it.
Changing the topic, my second thought destined for this entry was "I'm not sure I can say I fight to end the stigma of mental health when in reality I'm pretty positive I'm perpetuating it because I'm absolutely insane." It made me laugh (because if you realize you're crazy you can't be crazy... right??) but was kind of interesting to think about. Added another true cliche (I'll get to that post someday to update with the new ones... actually knowing how my brain works they're probably already there from when I had that thought this time last year): 'stereotypes exist for a reason' ... although that's not really a cliche. maybe it's "there's no smoke without fire?" I don't know, but hopefully that makes enough sense out of the annoying thought that it leaves me alone.
Another unfortunate topic, but it has to be noted: there's a re-occuring theme happening in my life with male's thinking I'm interested in long term romance with them. To me, long-term means "until next weekend" ... I realize that my decade of drug abuse has stunted my social/emotional/spiritual growth, but damn guys down here make me feel like an absolute savage for the lack of guilt over casual sex. Either that or they just actually don't want it... but they're males, so I have to assume there's someone else/they sense my crazy/they actually do feel guilty for whatever reason. Maybe next time I should tell them what I'm always reminding myself: "guilt is a useless emotion."

I don't know how I'm so tired - wait yes I do, I didn't fall asleep until like 5:30 AM so even though I woke up at 11AM then again at 1PM I am exhausted. but hey, at least I got this out of my head :) baby steps, but they're steps all the same.

Now just to do last year's taxes, find a doctor here, finish the 4 work projects I'm behind on (at least I'm working at all! that really is progress), and idk what else because first things first, Maige and I deserve a nap.