Life Lessons: 2024

When I first started writing life lessons thanks to whatever fictional book I was reading at the time (circa age ... idk, 12?) in the journal I have often bemoaned about my dad throwing away (the original My Future Bestseller as I think of it), the idea was so simple:

If I write down all my mistakes as lessons learned, I'll never make the same mistake twice.

HAH. If only. Ooh to be able to see the world through those young, naive, hopeful, not at all jaded eyes - even just a glimpse would be nice. Anyways, my point in finally getting my butt at the computer to write here again for the first time in way too long is not to kick myself for not learning from the VAST majority of lessons the 1st time (or 2nd, 3rd, 4th....), but to take another swing at it. I may be conflicted about what I'm doing with this platform (and the rest of my life, per usual), but at the very least I can do what I always set out to do: document lessons learned. It's worrisome that doing so is generally so cringe-worthy I can't bring myself to even think about reading old entries here, but at least I can console myself with the fact that, at least here in this moment, I'm being completely, unapologetically, authentic.

Without further ado, time to explore wtf I've learned since the last time I wrote - which, naturally, I haven't checked, although I'm pretty sure I threw something up at least a couple times in 2024? Idk, my memories on the subject are blurry since I know I've thought about potential posts - some made it to my notes on my phone or google docs or the journal I got to handwrite in the old fashioned way, so I'm not sure and don't want to stop the flow of writing this to go back and look. ANYWAYS...

1. Life comes with unlimited 'start over' chances - unless one of those kills you, but thankfully (at least usually I'm thankful for it) I haven't fucked up that badly yet. Still living - and off opiates, so I have that going for me. Celebrate the small stuff, right? Back to starting over: you don't have to keep doing anything that makes you miserable. Through a strange series of events, I am no longer in Corporate America (I had to backspace to capitalize that, it felt worth it). What am I doing? Other than constantly driving myself insane inside my head, too frequently disassociating from reality via reading my kindle, and berating myself 24/7 for not just fucking doing the healthy habits I know will make me feel better ... I'm working at a vet and doing an online course to get my veterinary technician certification. Yeah, over $150k in student loan debt for a high flying business career plus a decade of experience pushed aside and kicked to the curb while I work on an online degree for $69 a month that will land me a job I'm essentially already doing (major bonus, being able to do the job I'm studying for ... except for the fact ALL the lessons so far have been about BS science topics, not actual practical work help - but I digress) for such low pay it's laughable. Despite the financial aspect, I am so grateful I realized starting over was a true option. I started a contracting analytics job, freaked out (internally - no one outside of my boss, siblings, and a couple co-workers/friends know that my transition to this new field occurred after panicking to the point of almost complete disassociation - still sober though, taking that win - while trying to get back to the work I had been interviewing & thinking I wanted for almost a year), on a whim finally took the long ago given advice from a rehab counselor: in order to change one thing, you must change everything. Pretty sure I'm slaughtering that quote, and it only applies when the one thing you need to change is an addiction, but whatever - I grasped onto that idea and ran with it. Well, more like stumbled with it - and am still stumbling, but at least in a forward direction. IN CONCLUSION: if at first you don't succeed, try try again.* Taking that even further... if you're not happy where you are/what you're doing/who you're with then change it. A year ago I never envisioned I'd be living in Charleston working as a vet tech while studying for the actual certification (classic South: rules really don't matter as much, case in point: you don't have to be certified to be a tech in SC)... but here I am, and I'm certainly grateful for it.
2. Yoga & Meditation - nothing new there, just still working on the whole 'incorporating them into an actual routine to ensure they're done daily' aspect. My boyfriend (that feels weird to say when he has no idea this exists... maybe someday, but for now, this is back to just being a place for me myself & I) is completely baffled by the idea that I could know exactly what I need to do to feel better, and yet I don't just do it. Unfortunately, it baffles me too, because despite the fact I've been VERY consciously telling myself to do the same general healthy things that I know will make me feel better for the better part of 4+ years now I still can't honestly say I've truly turned any of them into habits. Might as well just add 'eat healthy' in here too, because it really is just the basics. Maybe this time the lesson will finally stick.
3. Writing helps purge the soul. I don't know why I don't take advantage more often other than I suppose it is pretty terrifying to just let your thoughts flow out in true word-vomit fashion and have to realize all the things you think you've hidden from yourself. Shit, when I put it that way it's pretty obvious why I don't write more often! But no, I know it helps me process life/my emotions (ya know, those things I love to pretend not to have any of - feelings) and I certainly have not been doing enough processing the last year so it's time for me to embrace this one too.
4. If you pretend you know what you're doing, no one will question you. And (hopefully) eventually, you actually will know what you're doing. This applies 100000% in terms of starting a new career in an entirely new field with absolutely 0 experience, but it took a push from a co-work from New Jersey to get me to stop being a chicken hiding out in the back ('treatment area') and get into patient rooms... and I'm so glad she gave me that push, because now even though I still feel like an imposter 99% of the time, I at least am gaining true vet tech work experience. I definitely lucked out with this job and I need to remember to be grateful for that.
5. On that note: BE GRATEFUL. I have random gratitude lists all over, but I know I should be so much more grateful deep in my soul for so much. I'm working on it, that's for sure - having faith is tough, and I get why it's (kind of/part of) the first step in any AA/NA program: not much point in getting sober if you don't have faith in something more than just this life.
6. Socializing sucks. Sorry not sorry, maybe I just need to accept being an antisocial hermit because more often than not I do not enjoy my social interactions - never mind the 43892 panic attacks I have to survive to get myself to get out and socialize. This is why working as a vet tech is great: forced human interaction, but as a professional ... so at least I won't completely lose my social skills or feel as bad about being a hermit as I would without that component of my life. How this impacts my future with a significant other is another issue... especially when he, like most normal people, enjoys going out and doing things/socializing. I hope to get back to that point someday, but I'm realizing it's not going to happen overnight and I've made my peace with that. Otherwise, I'm almost positive I would quite literally go insane.
7. It's not all about the drugs. Another reoccurring theme among my life lessons for sure, but the last few months have really hit home that I need to stop attributing so many aspects of my life (capabilities, moods, physical feelings, etc.) to my past addictions or even what pills I'm on/not on/wish I could take ... because at the end of the day, eventually I'm going to be however I'm going to be whether I'm taking things or not. There is no magic cure-all... there is just learning to live life the best I can. Admittedly right now 'the best I can' is far from where I'd like it to be, but I'm once again - albeit in a slightly new fashion - realizing that there's no magic pill (or combination of them) to change that. I still stress too much over my vyvanse prescription each month, but so many times I've had it and thought 'okay, I still just want to lay in bed and read though' that I have got to stop giving it so much power over how much I think I can or can't do without it.
8. When in doubt, choose dogs. So far, I haven't regretted a choice I've made that results in more time with animals than people. Even chasing a husky around the woods of a Charleston suburb only to get bitten for my efforts to finally return her home (working as a paid dog walker is more hazardous than one would think), I STILL preferred that to sitting at a desk/dealing with people. Obviously, human interaction isn't completely unavoidable, and (according to science at least), humans need some social interaction ... but the low amount I have for now has to be enough, even if it makes me feel guilty quite often for not trying harder to stay in touch with people. The real ones know well enough not to be offended - at least that's the thought that helps me sleep at night.
9. What will be will be, and I'm doing the best I can. I'll just say that to myself on repeat until it sinks into my thick skull.

Ending on my lucky number 9 hopefully will give me the inner strength to finally stick to some of these lessons learned and continue unraveling the inner chaos of my mind so I can live in some form of peace with myself.

*I'll have to add that to 'true cliches' - haven't thought about those in awhile, but per usual my long-winded lessons boil down to one.