Lifeline
Livestream: for once I don't want to be writing this. LOOK AT THAT. I can do things I don't want to, it's proof!
Anyways, as titled, my dear future self, you have been thrown a lifeline from Alan Slatas. THANK YOU JILLIAN!! The Jillian Foundation is sponsoring the cost for me to get this [find link - I don't want to completely lose my train of thought] treatment from Dr. Purdy (sp? check texts) in Martha's Vineyard. I have dreamed of being able to afford this type of treatment - truly, I called for a consult to a similar doctor (or at least for a somewhat similar treatment method) based on a recommendation from my dear friend Irene a few years ago, before rehab and after I think, but learned the initial price was $5,000 for an initial visit. No insurance accepted (not that I have any right now, but that's an issue for another post), so I gave up and ended any thought of ever having that available to me. Suddenly, I have sessions booked through March and in-person for April 17th. Does it matter I live in Raleigh, NC but need to be available for sessions 2-3 days a week for 2-3 weeks (I think the specifics will come in future calls where we will be facetiming) in Martha's Vineyard and can't drive myself home after sessions - nope. I realized it's what I've been worrying about today, that and what to do with Maige, when it took a text from a dear friend (Adam, the longest love of my life) to remind me how important this is: it doesn't matter at all. I can get an airBnB, Maige can stay at a doggy day-care or with Nicky. Whether or not she will be able to stay at Dogtopia is a different question, but equally as irrelevant: neither of my attempts at having any income matter right now compared to taking this opportunity. I am SO LUCKY to be getting paid unemployment right now: I can live for another few months without worrying about not being able to pay my rent or bills, if all goes well. My point here is, that only thing that TRULY matters at the end of the day is whether or not I'm proud of the choices I've made that day... and despite the fact that in the hours throughout the day I'm in a constant war vs. myself about how to function as a human (seriously though: eating, sleeping, exercise, hygiene, relationships - none of that matters during a depressive episode because it's too exhausting to even try when everything is a battle up there. at least that's my take on it.) I'M MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. Now that brings me to the 2nd part: I get to write about the experience for the Jillian Foundation. A DREAM COME TRUE!! Sitting here typing this is what's making me realize that all the little worries that have been plaguing my day are all SO irrelevant in the big picture of my life. At the end of the day, it really is always just me myself & I - for everyone, I am not unique in this way. I don't know how to continue that thought without stating things that probably would have me on google doing research to make sure I use the right terms, but I don't want this to get any more distracted of a post than it already is.
No edits is such a wild concept for something that's being posted on a website - listening to the podcast "the bitch bible" has made me realize that. Jackie Schimmel (sp?) says it so often about the fact she only does 1 take of each recording - no stopping, no editing. That is exactly what I am trying to do with my writing here. The difference is that I know no one's reading this whereas for her the opposite is true: she's monetizing it. Absolute genius, I'd love to get there someday, but not while my self-esteem hovers between 0 and -100. This nicely circles me back to the biggest fact I want to convey to my future self: YOU HAVE THE BEST OPPORTUNIY EVER, DO NOT SQUANDER IT AWAY ON STUPID PROBLEMS THAT, EVEN IF ELIMINATED, WOULD MEAN NOTHING. Hmm no that's not how I want to word it - and all caps is aggressive - but basically, I'm really hoping that when I next post, it includes a link to a submission I've written for them. THAT would be as much of a dream come true as getting the treatment. I'm not going to hold myself to that in case I want to write again tomorrow, but that's the jist of what I'm trying to get out of my head and onto paper.
*I had this here and yet have no idea where the train of thought was going, just that I cut and pasted it at the bottom then kept rapid-fire typing my thoughts. This is the conversational equivalent of a tangent in a conversation that never fully forms... or something, idk, but I'm not deleting it.
: humans (and maybe dogs, idk I'd be interested in the psychology of a dog's sense of self awareness or whatever the fancy terminology is)
I don't care if this starred section makes no sense to you, future me, because right now it makes sense to me. Maybe that's why Jackie's comments about cringing at her past-self and knowing how many people have heard it are so poignant to me: I feel the same way about expressing myself here as she does about her podcast. Unfiltered, raw, this is just how it is type of "content" ... also known as MY LIFE. Isn't that what really makes up most of our days? The thoughts in our head - unless you are super close with someone and truly do share your every thought... maybe I'm the only one who has so many thoughts that it seems I'd never be able to reveal everything about myself? I doubt that.
Hell, I made it a quote. because why not? ew I almost just typed Nickleback lyrics, so moving on from this train of thought...
In conclusion
I just want to get it on record that while I've thought MANY times since whenever it is I last posted - actually I guess I just think it a lot (duh Sammi.. anyways) - the prevailing thought is positive. For once! That's a great thing. That has to be progress. My brain just quickly catalogued all my sins: fucking save it for another day brain. I'm sober today, and that's what counts (ugh including a little kratom... I hate having to be 100% honest, this brutally hurts to acknowledge and is definitely why I didn't want to write. Well, now I know. and have to tell the doc... STOP BEING ASHAMED!).
Was writing all that out and reaching that conclusion therapeautic? Was that my goal when I was debating whether or not to sit and start typing? I have no idea. I'm just out here, fighting the good fight, trying to be a "real human" ... whatever that is. I guess just not being on Vyvanse feels like such a contributing factor to my day that it is worth mentioning, even though it's prescribed, but I don't think enough about the 3 'boring' aka long acting/non-abusable pills I'm on except for as a whole. I want off anti-depressants: bam, includes all 3. If you don't make enough of an impact for me to know when you're working or not, SEE YA! I'm thinking of medications but a version of that totally applies to relationships too. I don't know the exact connection so am just going to let that stay there.
I feel better.
I think. Yes, I do - because I'm remembering that while in many, many ways I feel like a complete failure today (and most days), but today I'm stopping to acknowledge that I am SO grateful to the lifeline I'm being offered by The Jillian Foundation that for quite possibly the first time ever, I'm writing because I want to remember a certain point in time. There's been TONS of times I wrote that I'd rather not remember - which is probably why I don't read them - but this? This is one that proves maybe there is hope for me & my future bestseller - in whatever form - to turn things around from here.
I've joked about turning over a new leaf...
...and I have mostly lived up to that in February. Do I realize the difference between January & February is my Vyvanse? Yes. But maybe I need to stop focusing on that fact, and just start focusing on the big picture - it's the advice I've known all along, but never felt until now. Everything begins and ends with the relationship you have with yourself. Until now, I didn't recognize how to change the never ending tide of hurtful comments and just pure vitriol I feel towards myself or think that I ever could. I'm realizing that even just knowing I have this lifeline available is providing such immeasurable comfort, I know that regardless of what petty concerns run through my mind, the big picture is that I am making progress. I have found a sliver of patience. It's all thanks to Jillian - I always said it would be, but until this moment I never realized how true it was. I've really never been able to give spirituality a real go, but now I feel it. Too bad I can't make a how-to guide from this... but here's what matters: I'm being thrown a lifeline thanks to the soul of my dear friend, and I'm going to grab onto it with both hands for all I'm worth. I owe it to the people that love me, and most importantly, I owe it to myself.
Ew that sounds so preachy/mushy/whatever, but it's true. I'm not wrong: This is a positive turning point in the picture that is my entire life. I just need to remember that, and I won't be able to self-destruct. I can stop worrying about self-sabotaging or my anxiety/depression, because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I so strongly believe it's true, that it will be true: MANIFESTATION!
Wow, everything really does end up a cliche or ... idk the other word, basic? That doesn't feel exactly right, but I'm thinking of the true cliches, and while manifestation is not a cliche it certainly is a tried and true method for a positive life. That reminds me, I am 99% sure I saved the post only as a draft... but if I didn't, just know that OF is gone. Wow, a secret message to 1 of my potential future selfs' ... I need to stop before I really get weird here.