Livestream 11/16 going on 17

For the first time in awhile I'm not here because I'm on the verge of a panic attack - progress? Not sure, but let's not fuck it up.

I got work done, and I tentatively am slowly but surely starting to accept that the illegal prescription pills aren't the game-changer when it comes to "getting in the zone" for work. Am I lying to myself? I'm not sure, so let's see if typing can help me figure it out... despite the fact that it feels like someone is stabbing my heart at the thought of even continuing to think about this. I must be some type of masochist if I'm choosing to follow the thoughts that cause me physical pain borne purely by my own mind... no, I just want to understand. Honestly that explains my - what's that french term that means "reason to live?" idk, but that. Yet not just that in English... UGH this is why some thoughts are not translatable to words.

So what happens to those thoughts? Are they just stuck in your head? Do they matter? No, obviously... but they cause gut instinctual reactions. I guess that's what therapy and mental health is all about, reprogramming those unconscious, instinctual reactions. Well at least I can say I'm trying - didn't go out without a fight and refused to accept boredom (even if at face value, some may think I lead a very boring life... I don't care about that mean voice in my head suggesting such things. See, that's what I need to reprogram! some people don't have that thought that of whether or not they're stating the truth by the eyes of another... am I being an idiot? Can this be summed up by some ancient philosopher I should be able to quote by heart? I'm not saying I need a manual for life, I'm just saying I wish I better knew what rules to set so that I wouldn't just want to break them. Per usual, I just need help saving me from myself - at least I'm finally in a place to do it.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that self-peace is more important than romantic love. You're stuck with yourself forever (and I finally don't hate that thought, win!) but you get to pick who you stick yourself with. Denver is by far my #1 choice... and he deserves some ice cream, as do I. There's absolutely a different purpose I started this with - to examine my reliance on chemical substances in relation to my ability to get work done/why I feel like getting work done and being a productive human is the only way to be happy with myself... but that sounds like a tomorrow problem, because this rare feeling of lightness (most likely caused by my decision to facetime molls - first time I've willingly facetimed someone without already being in conversation with them or prearranging it... probably ever) is NOT to be wasted!

xoxo, sorry future self, but just know in this moment everything feels good (and stop forgetting to smoke weed, drink water, and eat!)

OMG THAT SIGN OFF MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I AM HIGH ON OPIATES: I AM NOT. No no, the Suboxone I took is the same dose at the same time I've been taking it for months, so opiates/opioids (honestly I just learned the difference - or that one existed- the other day when Joey mentioned it. WTF, how did my curiosity decide to fail me time after time when it came to the times I decided ignorance was bliss!?) are not why I ... was happy. Ugh, writing that just brought the sick feeling back. I need to stop thinking, however I've somewhat enjoyed the torture. Anyways, I'm still on more than 100 days - although not a year... WHATEVER I SAID I DON'T NEED TO COUNT SO STOP COUNTING BRAIN.

i wonder if it's like this in other people's brains...