LIVESTREAM 3.5.21

Long time no see!

The thoughts have still been overflowing - if only I could compile all the random places I write them down it would be great (or make no sense), but working takes up a bit too much time of my day for my liking in order to empty my brain out here, one thought at a time, no deleting.

Merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream. Why do I have a nursery rhyme about rowing a boat stuck in my head? Who knows, who cares, because it's FRIDAY!

Funny how that excites me even though technically there's really not much difference between tomorrow and a weekday other than the complete absence of meetings... particularly since I have work to finish. It's as if I'm just conditioned to be excited on Friday evenings - I guess that'd change if I started working weekends only. ANYWAYS, speaking of working, back to the topic at hand:

What am I doing?

With life, and most importantly with the next month thanks to the fact I somehow ended up nodding along until I'm filling out forms for FMLA to take medical leave. The problem is that I would love to not go to a residential program - sad truth: I don't want to leave Denver, I know, I'm pathetic but he's just the best! I do have options that would allow me to stay with Denver if I would just answer my phone to reply to Mike via Neil (it's nice having people look out for you... even if I do ignore all their good advice, it still is nice)... but I was busy trying to finish working pre-medical leave! gotta get everything tied up nicely in a bow - but if I can work, why am I taking leave? To do a program that I may or may not actually do? No, to find myself. There's a true cliche, I know I finally made that posting. Nice, okay anyways: finding myself. I felt like I was getting there during my 2nd week off then I fucked it all up by going back to work and actually working. Now I'm questioning if I was depressed or just bad at life - no, there's no way that darkness can be normal. Plus they did change my meds, and despite my thinking that no chemicals touch me anymore that's of course not true. Maybe this was the magical combo, because I'm not high but I'm not dying in bed either. Is my whole life going to be spent wavering between all and nothing? AHHH.

How do I stop the all or nothing thinking/behaving?

Meditate? Idk, that's my guess for anything. I'm sure it can't hurt, which reminds me I still need to meditate today. I've been enjoying "every day is an ADVENTURE" to build healthy habits, but I need to be more consistent with tracking. Even doing it here wasn't easy enough... or is this more all or nothing thinking? Am I probably doing a fine job tracking? Yes, it's not like I'm going to analyze the data later! Ugh I noticed this at work today too (at work, as if I wasn't sitting in the exact spot I am now but with a different browser open.. hah): I end up following ABSURD and unnecessary things through to the point where I finish something and have no idea what it related to on my to-do list (usually nothing). But I guess the real question is: when and how does self awareness turn to self-correction?

Back on topic: why am I resisting the obvious answers to what I should be doing? I don't know... I just don't want to? I guess that's lame, okay why don't I want to get help? Help for what? Idk, feeling miserable/addiction/anxiety/everything? But I would have to go to detox most likely if you actually wanted to stop addys (despite the fact I do it on my own almost every weekend... sigh). For so long my excuse was not wanting my parents to find out and/or work - neither of those is really an issue anymore. Hell, I'm already set to take medical leave based on the forms I'm avoiding printing out! I just keep thinking "everyone has their shit - rehab doesn't make me an addict, just someone who got help quitting opiates" (or things along those lines) all thanks to the numerous people who have talked about quitting xanax/cocaine without rehab. That being said, who am I trying to prove anything to? Why wouldn't I accept medical help? Because I don't think it will work. OH yes!! that is it - I talked to Ang about this last night, maybe I'll just  find our convo from slack and paste it here, but for now it's Denver's dinny time xx