Livestream: 7/11/23

For once I’m going to take my own advice and write out my post-bowl thoughts/high ideas in the evening (note: no pen will ever compare to the stoned after a nice little bowl) instead of texting them to anyone and blowing up people's phones with novels. It seems like a smart idea while I'm trying to get my head on straight (which may be forever at this rate).

The thought that kicked this off: I can’t decide if my ability to go numb is positive or negative- alright as soon as I typed that I realized it’s negative. Yes, it’s a coping mechanism to avoid emotional pain that hasn’t killed me yet (thank god you can’t overdose on kindle unlimited books) … but my complete lack of desire to be a functioning member of society is not helping me live a life I’m proud of. I try and remember that’s my main goal: be able to fall asleep at night knowing I gave the day my best shot. So far my definition of 'giving it my best shot' has been related to my skewed definition of productivity, therefore destroying any pride. I’m trying to remember what matters: being there for my family (mainly to be a good aunt, because if I do have 1 priority straight it's that kids come first) and being self sufficient/financially independent ... love would be nice, but I'm working on the whole "love myself first" bit because currently I'm a mental/emotional danger to myself and anyone I date. At least I'm up-front and honest about it from day 1? Just another of many things I need to work on, but not what I want to focus on right now. Sooo swerve off that tangent...

It seems that running out of money was necessary to force me to get into a real job search - sad but true. I guess having to feel the pain of this drawn out search is preferable to what I had been doing pre-ketamine therapy (disassociating from reality and doing nothing), but the sting of so much rejection is either going to make or break me. Now that I’m writing this I realize of course the only option is not breaking, but that brings me back to my original thought: in this case, is going numb after being rejected from a job I thought for sure I’d be offered a good thing? I guess it’s just my default? Maybe I’m being logical and thinking optimistically… nah, I can pretend to, but I don’t feel it. I just feel sad or numb. That being said, at least I’m not curled up in bed dying completely: I’m walking Maige and writing here. Plus I caught up on some work for ProPet Content, although that’s a train of thought for another time. There’s plenty of things I should be doing - the first that comes to mind is the article for the Jillian foundation about the ketamine therapy. I started it once and got excellent feedback from Amanda (i love you) but I was so emotionally spent for so long after that first attempt that the thought of trying again before having a job just feels like writing about a failure. I realize that I’m incorrectly correlating the ketamine therapy and my ability to get a job, but there in lies the problem: my feelings don’t follow logic.

I guess the solution is tell my feelings to fuck off, but that only works for so long before I blow up. Is this the emotional learning I missed during my decade of drugs? Have I completely withdrawn from society because I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin thanks to my inability to deal with negative feelings?

…. I guess it’s a good thing I rescheduled my IFS sessions with the good doc, because I definitely have some better questions for her now. Although deep down I know the answers - I always have, I just haven’t managed to do them continuously for long stretches of time. the basics: getting into a routine, yoga, meditation, eating healthy. Caring about these basic physical needs should not require a conscious effort, but apparently for me they do. That’s fine, I can make a conscious effort. All anyone can do is just keep trying, so while I may not know what exactly I’m hoping to achieve in life I’m going to keep hanging on to sanity and the belief that as long as I don’t give up, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Life really is such a cliche: don’t give up, just keep trying! Brighter days ahead! … reminds me of Mark Mansons book about how hope is the death of happiness (well that was my takeaway at least) and therefore I realize that while working to be better I also have to be grateful for what I have. I may feel broken, but I have a family that loves me and the most loyal dog in the world to live with. Add in a few great friends (even if I hate how far most are) and I know I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I just wish that knowledge did more to fix the dark parts of my mind… add “writing a gratitude list every morning” to that to do list of basics up there. I may feel broken right now, for more reasons than I care to think about, but I have to remember there are other feelings I can focus on. I don’t have to choose negativity or none: ah here’s the cliche, “attitude of gratitude!” … lame, but true. Right now I’m grateful for maige (duh), the nice July night, the memories from the K. Flay concert T-shirt I’m wearing (a rare night out in the last 3 years, I know), the empty school right across the street where Maige can chase bunnies with only a minor risk of being reprimanded for trespassing, the fact my sister has become my closest friend (admitting that my mom had been right for all those years is not easy, that’s growth right!?), the multiple options of places I can live rent free while figuring my life out - even if it does mean losing some independence I’m grateful to have the options - hmm … ooh ice packs & Benadryl for saving my right foot from the deadly ant attack. Oh, and weed - because without it, I end up here less often.*

The theme for this post (aka the song stuck in my head while writing it) is a throwback from matchbox 20… idk if it’s called broken or bent, but the lyrics “i’m so scared that I'll never, get put back together” are on a loop in my head. Gahh my mom is calling but I don’t want to talk about the not-offer (sounds way better than rejection) so for my own self preservation I’m going to keep writing and call back later.

Writing here, just like yoga & meditation, is so hard to get myself to do yet as soon as I start I think “holy shit I just need to get myself to start because it always makes me feel better” … and yet, I still haven’t quite figured out how to get out of my own way. The opposite of happiness isn’t sadness, it’s apathy - although right now, apathy feels better than sadness... and that, my future bestseller, is the problem - or at least one of the problems - I need to solve.

*if smoking weed is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Maybe in a year I’ll have a post about a mental breakdown upon realizing weed doesn’t count as sobriety - but for now, I can’t imagine it hurting more than it helps. ditto for the damn juul. sigh. so many vices, hopefully I start making better use of my time.