Livestream 9.13.23

I just (accidentally) spent about 3 hours organizing earrings/jewelry. Originally I planned to use pictures I sent my sister for the post image, but when I sat at my laptop and saw my inbox first it made me laugh too much not to use that instead. Starting this in livestream style because there's way too many thoughts running through my head to try and organize them. If I tried, it could take another 3 hours based on the time I spent on the email I painstakingly tried to write & send on Sunday to a former CEO I met at my mom's 60th bday party - AH, I have to just send that, I'm doing it now - but first I must say I couldn't believe when I saw almost 3 hours had passed from when I started (on my phone, intending it to be a a quick follow-up email of the 'nice to meet you, thanks for having me email you my resume' type variety). AMANDA, perfect, my only confidante allowed in this safe space (besides my future self ... if I ever get the urge/courage to go back through old posts to edit all this mayhem), you are connected to my next 2 thoughts:

1- I realized how much time had passed writing this e-mail because I had texted you after about a half hour had gone by and thought 'I need to just send this as-is, stop editing it Sammi' ... yet was completely baffled when I realized it took me over 2 hours to respond to you because I was so absorbed in editing the stupid email I didn't move from my position (laying on my bed typing on my phone - a laptop would have sped the process up, but I really thought I was going quickly... or at least didn't really think about it) or do anything besides continuing to slightly change/reorganize/rephrase this email.

2- I know, I need to use chatGPT, you've given me the perfect resources to learn how and yet it is taking writing this out for me to realize I need to utilize it based on how much time I'm wasting on emails/posts. Too bad it can't organize jewelry.

Anyways these are 2 instances where time seemed to just slip by without me noticing the time or how long an activity - particularly productive ones - was actually taking for (what feels like) the first time since getting sober. Ooh this just turned into a "stop taking so much time to do shit you dumbass" to "HEY good for me, I'm getting back to who I am without drugs!" ... not that spending hours on basic tasks is my goal, but getting to that level of engrossed in anything remotely productive certainly is.

see, future self, I am trying now!

I still need to send that dang email and reschedule an interview for Friday - but I know the next thought, so I'll at least get the headline down before forcing myself to stop procrastinating and get 2 easy peasy things done without getting distracted by other emails or anything else. Ready, set, go! For the record, it's 12:20AM ... let's see when I make it back here.

Flow State?

BAM, both tasks complete! Zoom added to my meeting Friday (I hoped to get away with just a phone call, but I suppose face to face interactions are more promising anyways) and sent the email (which came out pretty phenomenal if I do say so myself) and it's only 12:37AM right now. Obviously, knowing I was timing myself here pushed me to ignore distractions I likely would have been totally derailed by otherwise: like the email from my #1 choice saying I made it to the 3rd round!!! I'm so excited - now it's double ironic that my feature image is related to all the job rejections, because if I had just clicked to the 'primary' tab instead of 'updates' I would have seen the email before even making it here/taking that screenshot for the feature image. MY HARD WORK IS PAYING OFF! After a day of interviews for jobs I don't want and a lot of rejections, this is the boost I needed.

Okay, why did I write 'flow state' ... oh! because a few podcasts/self improvement book summaries (I <3 the headway app) have all mentioned how ideally we will often spend time in a 'flow state.' I should probably check the definition, but for now I'll stick with my takeaway from what it means. Flow state = the optimal state for humans because we are acting without the need for much conscious thought. It relates to one of the books summaries about how your mind only has the capacity to make so many decisions in a day, so the less you need to actively think about/decide upon (i.e. having a set routine vs. waking up and wondering how to fill the day) the better chance you have at not procrastinating/overthinking and being able to make tough decisions when it counts.

...even if that isn't the accurate takeaway, I like it, because it reinforces my need to continue building healthy habits and creating a routine. Which reminds me I still have to make that post on the goals & steps for each category of my life - but it's late, and I definitely have more nonsense in my head that I need to get out before I'll be able to sleep.

More Livestream Thoughts

Over the weekend, I said something to one of my aunt's that surprised me with both how open/vulnerable I was being and the realization that I hadn't consciously said the thought out loud before or likely even accepted how true it was. We were talking about dating (because there was a hot NBA ref at the party 'making eyes' at me as she said ... turns out she wasn't wrong, but despite his good looks and charm he kind of annoyed me - more on that after), and I said to her "For years, I always said I never wanted to get married and sabotaged a lot of potential relationships with great guys by stating that loudly and clearly before taking any relationships too far... but I'm finally realizing that was a defense mechanism to avoid settling down out of loneliness or a desire to have a family regardless of whether or not I'm in love with the guy." As soon as I said it I was a bit startled by how authentic the statement was, but she said she understood completely and that the fact I can say that out loud now means I'm making progress and when I meet "the right guy" I'll finally be ready. That certainly is a nice thought, although as much as I'd love a soulmate I'm pretty content for the first time in a long time: I have Maige, loyal friends I can count on for anything, and I'm no longer so anxious or depressed the majority of the time that I feel like I can't do anything besides lay in bed in the fetal position reading my kindle. Don't get me wrong future-self, all is not cured quite yet: I still spend plenty of my time reading non-fiction thrillers, but it feels like I am using it as a form of dissociating from reality less often. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I talk to the doc at 11AM!

Last Thoughts...

Okay, the other thing spinning in my head while I was organizing earrings for hours: the fact I turned down the hot NBA ref therefore saying no again in a situation I likely would have at least tried out a date with in the past. Does this mean my 'list of qualities' is working!? I think so, because while some (my mother) would argue I'm not giving guys enough of a chance, I know in my soul that I wouldn't be interested in either of them long term. I guess it took the fiasco of that relationship from hell + the aftermath of the break up (and him moving in with someone else a week after telling me ... ya know what? I don't even care. FUCK YES. this is why apathy is the opposite of love instead of hate) for me to accept that I do want a family. The only thing I have to remember is that I don't have to sacrifice my independence for anyone less than a soulmate - if I don't have my own family, sissy already said I can just join hers. Since I spent August there and enjoyed it WAY more than expected, maybe that's why the prospect seems less frightening than it did before countless hours of therapy.

That realization is also why that breakup hit me so hard: for the first time I had seen a future with someone, so to have it taken away so quickly and seemingly without care was a blow. Obviously it was the right choice for both of us, but it helps knowing why I was so devastated despite logically realizing it made sense to break up. The only regret I will forever have is telling him this exists, but at least I finally figured out how to make posts private from certain people - win, even though I hate having to waste the time to do that because I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SHARED MY SAFE SPACE WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. Sigh. Live and learn. Despite the fact the instagram has a few friends of mine follow it, none ever read the actual posts since I discourage it as much as possible/still have it listed as 'under construction/not ready for release.' When he quoted something from my last post in a message to me on snapchat, I saw red - which I suppose was a good thing, because it was the last push I needed to block communication on ALL apps.

I still haven't made dating apps here yet - I'm ensuring my focus stays on this lovely journey of 'finding myself' (lame yet the only fitting term I can think of at 1AM) and my job search, so until I am incredibly motivated to start swiping again I'm not going to bother.

... despite still being a chaotic livestream, this feels like progress.

xoxo,
September Sammi