Livestream 1/20/21

CONVERSATIONS - alright, I knew I wanted to start with the thoughts I was having when I decided to start writing this, but had this side thought that needed to be captured first:

Wow, I know I'm feeling better when I get excited looking at the link to GitHub for GhostPro instead of feeling dread at how much I have to do. BAM, there's one for the 'true cliches' --> it's all about perspective. (Is that a cliche? I need to look up the actual definition seeing as this is the 2nd situation today in which I've realized I'm not quite sure what qualifies).

Anyways, back to the topic of conversations. I just realized how much more I value them now that I've had all this therapy and/or the world has changed thanks to covid. – tangent: I alluded to my latest Hinge catch last night that I was using the time wisely in terms of my 'self correction to do list' but didn't quite mention rehab... I learned the hard way that using the blunt admission about 'the little drug issue' to scare off potential dates I'm unsure of when it backfired on me in my last pre-rehab situation... sorry mr. tall guy, I thought I didn't like you so I said it then as you pulled away I thought that I did like you... hence the insane behavior that ensued. As I just told Joey, sometimes a girl just needs the space to go crazy and hope that those who love her will be there when she's ready.

Here's that whole perspective concept again: I had been worrying about all my unread texts/emails/notifications on all the billions of fucking apps that now exist – tangent: oh man I am FEELING all 30 of my years after saying that... is this how you know you're getting older? little admissions like swearing about too much social media and realizing you're no longer part of the generation that's being catered to!? no, I just think I'm changing... while getting older, but the 2 are not related. That likely only makes sense in my head, but that's all that matters because right now this isn't a blog, it's a journal. Once I find a roster member to fill the role of "teach me better coding, particularly javascript/python/C++, it will be a blog.

BAD original perspective I've had until recently: "FUCK my to-do list is impossible if I can't even keep on top of my text messages! what is wrong with me, why can't I talk to people?!" ... ugh that reminds me my therapist opened my eyes to the fact that being afraid of phone calls is not normal (afraid isn't the right word, but I avoid them like the plague), but I think this is different... I used to have no problem being like everyone else on the planet that worships their iPhone apps, messaging platforms especially (aka not just reading books on my kindle with all notifications off), whereas I've hated phone calls for as long as I can remember. I've always said it's because when I was growing up I was always paranoid my parents or siblings would be listening, but I'm so sure that I'll be digging a bit deeper on Talkspace... I'll get back there soon Steve, I promise (myself, since that's who it benefits despite the fact it's damn painful most of the time to address everything wrong with me, but I digress). Alright FOCUS sammi, if something has to go in parenthesis it can't be that important of a thought, just explain what led me here and that'll get the topic covered:

I was talking Joey (*tangent cut below) and said "This happens every day and I'm driving myself nuts: I spend so damn long sleeping or just laying in bed reading that then I'm rushing to get work done, take denver to the park, feed him, and (on a good day) eat dinner then once I decide to finally smoke and relax to have time to catch up with my friends time FLIES as I'm telling myself all the while 'i'll finish cleaning/working/whatever I currently think I need to do to be productive' and instead I end up spending hours on my phone texting/DMing - or like today checking fucking snap chat (**tangent 2)  and the cleaning that I have meant to do since he said he hired cleaners hasn't happened. My room still is Denver's room, despite the fact I told myself I'd clean for honestly way longer than Sunday... it's only Tuesday, my bed hasn't even had sheets on it in a week. fml. HOWEVER, I did not come here to be mad about the things I haven't gotten done!

THE NEW BETTER PERSPECTIVE THANKS TO JOEY!

This amazing cliche realization came when in response to all that, Joey said "I wish I treated my phone like you did - I need to be glued to it less as a distraction." TREPIDATION AS MY ANXIETY/DEPRESSION TRIES TO PUSH AWAY ANY POSSIBILITY OF BEING POSITIVE: "but i'm on my phone while reading my kindle!!!" no, no, no - this was about my new appreciation for conversations/relationships, not an analysis of iPhone usage(***tangent). The way he said it clearly has me thinking since I'm livestreaming my thoughts about it, but at the time I said "yeah I suppose you're right... I mean at the end of the day I talk to who I need to talk to eventually, anyone who can't wait that doesn't know to just come here isn't worthy of any attention" (mostly kidding, that makes me feel bad about my mom and sister... although hey, they could come here! hmph.) I am taking time to re-wire the neural pathways in my brain because I spent 8 years getting happiness from crushing/snorting a chemical combination of heaven. While I clearly was born without the virtue of patience, I'm damned near sure going to die trying to gain it rather than give up (queue cheesy triumphant underdog winning the championship vibe song). Any of my relationships that can't survive just because another person doesn't understand that living inside my head is a full time job in itself right now, even if I'm the idiot who made the mess I'm living in- something that MY BOSS understands, which validates it so much in my head and honestly makes me want to cry with gratitude just thinking about it.(****! running outta stars for tangents so time to get creative), then it is obvious I don't have room for them in my life anyways. I'm not sure if this is covid or rehab/therapy/sobriety related (maybe both, the strangely beautiful synergystic events that led to my rise from ALMOST turning to ashes - it's like covid was my catalyst/enabler/something like that to stop from sliding all the way to rock bottom), but either way this time of solitude truly feels like I was granted some sort of pardon from the universe... "here's your time to get your shit together - sorry it's in the form of a viral pandemic, but mother nature is smarter than you idiots and realizes the planet will be destroyed too soon if we don't cut out some of the weak and solve overpopulation" - not a tangent, but HOW is overpopulation not a more popular topic? I need to dive into that, because it seems like society as a whole is missing the forest for the trees (idk if I got that saying right but whatever).

I mean, MGK just came out with a movie that I noticed has him holding the pink guitar from his "Tickets to my Downfall" album that has been the soundtrack of my comeback (lollll, is that what this is? most days it seems like "severe depression", but hey I'm glad my brain came up with that this time) - even he understands the beauty of capitalizing on this time while we have it. Anyone who doesn't was clearly doing far too well in life before the world stopped turning, because there's always room for improvement... some more than others, for sure, I mean I don't think many people were anxiously awaiting the right moment to go to rehab without much notice from work, but still. This is precious time even though there's certainly shitty aspects (mostly the fact my grumpy old man neighbor I had 1 convo with before falling in love can't watch his eldest grandson play his varsity sports in person - fuck, another thing I've been meaning to follow up on.... there's gotta be an efficient way to keep a running list. I'm just glad I thought to do that for topics of conversation with Shelby, because she's 100000% a friend that does matter and I refuse to allow that friendship to be one of the ones that falls away during my time of isolation marinating in hell in order to force those good old neural pathways to fix themselves. THERE'S THE PROOF! My natural flow of thoughts just got to the point for me, what a win! Only took until almost 1AM, but hey progress is progress: conversations shouldn't be something that's a dreaded task. Same as the way I currently am thinking about learning new coding vs. how panicked it made me pre-this new way of thinking. Pretty sure the key is going to be hanging tight to this perspective when I'm not sitting typing this and the to-do's are flying at me via the thoughts that I'm certain occur far too fast than anyone's should. That is why the only single thing I really should be forcing myself to do daily is meditate - I'm not there yet, but between aerial yoga and meditation I'm almost at a point where I'm doing at least 1 or the other daily. Never thought such a small goal/low bar would provide this feeling of accomplishment upon realizing it, but hey, times have changed. Maybe my bars for standards of life aren't lowering so much as changing place.... they're shifting. I'm re-prioritizing and taking a fresh look at everything about my life in order to determine what I want to do next and where I want to be rather than being a participant in the journey. There's definitely self-help books about "taking control of your life" or being an active participant in it.. I guess that's what I mean when I say my main goal is to live rather than exist.

Well, that's enough for now because as I just noticed above, it's almost 1AM and I've got quite a few things I have the priviliedge of doing (aka looking at goldies pics after cleaning so that when the cleaners come I'll be able to enjoy a fresh new room without denver's hair eating me alive). Note the word choice - I will find a way to make this thought change permanent (manifestation, thanks Molls!).

*through his latest trials and tribulations of love - not that I'm an expert in anything other than being crazy, but hey apparently my thoughts are still helpful he says despite the fact I'm planning on opening a dog shelter/orphanage before ever even considering caring about the cost/benefit of not finding my soulmate. If there's not time for that and I regret it, so be it, but for now Denver is plenty of boyfriend for my attention span now - hell, I already call him smothering! sigh.

**(because people are annoying and I put up with a lot for potential roster members that say they're only looking for casual relationships: hard to find at 30, which I think is sad for society... so many people locked in loveless marriages instead of enjoying the time they have on Earth)

...ew, sensing a theme to these tangents thanks to getting lucky my latest round of swiping over the weekend - I can think about romance after the long list of self-corrections AND bucket list items (there's more to life than self improvement, Sammi!!). Therapy is for figuring out if I'm secretly repressing a fear of dying alone, I don't have time for that in my daily living life if I want to embrace being alive sober. OMG and I forgot, rehab gave me a 12 month pass with their lovely rule regarding no major life changes such as moving or dating someone new until 1 year sober. win. (further self-analysis in my brain which may just be high thoughts says I'm seeking authority despite consistently mentally attempting to defy it when I find it... unless it suits my purposes for the moment? fuck if I know, but I'm positive that if my german could move to Boston or I found love elsewhere that I'd be abandoning said rule. WHATEVER SAMMI, if it gives you peace of mind for now can't you just accept it? Yes, higher self that isn't ego-driven, I can.

***HAH not love: if it were, my top complaint would be about the damn picture quality that's forcing me to give in to evil Apple and get an upgrade ... eventually. Still holding out for now since I have Goldie's AMAZING pictures that I haven't even looked at yet - see, it's no wonder my bed has no sheets on it and my message notification count would make most people lose their sanity... hah, I guess that's another true cliche: once you lose your mind you can live without the fear of losing it.

****!That man is an angel on Earth... or the Alien's just decided my sub-plot was worthy of a hero to assist the damsel in distress. Which aliens? The ones that are determining this virtual reality of a planet we live on and clearly are using the USA for entertainment (or the entire human race if it's planet vs. planet instead of country vs. country) by getting serious laughs at our stupidity.