Livestream 12/4/20

Fitting title from 18 days ago at "(Untitled)" ... updating to a Livestream, that's an easy default. - that's how long I guess it took me to overcome the level of constant panic that requires me to do absolutely nothing except breathe (and read, thank god) and finally get a brief respite from my mental prison. I told my therapist yesterday, after finally breathing enough to remember to write to him, that a perfect description of my mental state the last few weeks would be me locked in a cage panicked with another me (a clone maybe if we're talking reality, but I'm just thinking meme-style aka no 2nd level thinking required) holding the key looking confused. That sums it up - I know I'm the only thing driving myself crazy, but I can't breathe long enough (aside from a few random wins, slowly getting better lately - ie here I am!) to set aside the panic and do anything. why am I panicked? Oh just my brain chemicals re-adjusting after taking prescription painkillers ALL THE TIME for 8 years... I guess I should have known that it wouldn't be an easy ride back to normality, but goddamn this is painful. I'm glad I took this week off from work, even though initially not working but also not vacationing prompted some of the panic (yep, worked that one out myself, only took a few days so not terrible... hah), because I have the time and freedom to literally do nothing. NOTHING. I can't answer texts, check social media, anything except for whenever I can get myself to some sort of mental stillness. Like right now - I had been thinking about how maybe my inability to prioritize correctly is "part of why I'm making myself insane" and then kept thinking "just write a post - the cleaning can be done later" (and replace 'the cleaning' with whatever I'm looking at and think needs fixing/doing 100x) until I got here. I feel like I just ran a mental marathon to get here, but that's okay.

What did I expect 'adulthood' to be at age 30? Who knows, who cares, just remember I'm trying to live and it really isn't that hard at all if I stop making it hard for myself.