loneliness is okay

I am fucking trying. SO hard to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life, despite a life time mantra of "do less" despite always actually doing too much... sigh. I smoked a bowl after being productive all damn day - not laying back down in bed and reading, not even once! and yet I was down by the beach trying to just relax and enjoy being here, but I felt... I can't believe I'm admitting this, I guess that's why this has been so hard to start writing (which, naturally, is why I have to just keep going, full steam ahead write each thought without looking back - is this regression? that's a normal part of recovery, right? yeah, let's go with that) but what I'm avoiding having to think again is: I'm lonely - despite a lifetime of refusing to ever acknowledge this feeling, it's a tough one to swallow.

Writing the last post about my comment to my aunt kind of solidified the fact that I am finally accepting the fact that I'm lonely, but not reaching to a dating app to solve it - I'd rather go see my sister or meet one of my friend's babies or just see a friend, and not a new friend (as fun as it is to make those) but there are so many people I'd love to see that I already know... I just don't even know where to start. It's like living with my sister opened up the fact that I can enjoy being part of a unit instead of flying solo. That was definitely eye opening. And now that I'm here, I am shocked to say this but I've looked forward to my parents getting home the last few nights after their 12 hour shift with Helen. Is this just growing up? Probably, sometimes I have to remember I'm trying to squeeze a decade of missed emotional learning into a few years. It's not an excuse, just a sad fact I keep re-confirming with my own thoughts.

Hmph. Anyways, I'm tired and hungry and in a weird mood but decided to come here instead of picking a person and unloading it all on them via text (my sis, amanda, dutch, adam, allie, julia, emily... they've all dealt with their fair share from me over the years, and it's why those are the first 7 names that popped into my head) because I'M TRYING! I really am, maybe I should make this a prayer/intention/goal/manifestation (are those all really the same things? that's a #highthought for damn sure) hmm..

Dear Universe,

I'm not sure if typing counts as praying, but hopefully you're up with technology because my communication skills leave a lot to be desired in the 'authentic' category - which is why I'm here. If there is something more, something different, or even a different way of thinking that I should be employing, please give me the opportunity to do so. That feels like something I'd say to someone interviewing me, but it's true for my personal life as well (definitely not going to analyze what that says about me - well, I guess I've always known I didn't really have the best professional persona... but that's because I struggle not being my authentic self. interesting.) Well this has been a fun chat, thank you for listening, I trust you to know what's best and will do my best to keep appreciating and focusing on the good things in life. I will meditate more, write more, do yoga... interesting how those are always the 2, yoga and meditation - guess I'm adding "pray" now too. Thanks for the tip ;)

Alright, I did my piece laying my soul out on the table - I don't want to risk overanalyzing (a euphemism for overthinking?) these feelings, I just want to acknowledge they exist and then move on. So that's what I'm doing. And now, at 10:46PM I really need dinner so it's time to eat some leftover pasta and soak up the feel-good chemicals produced from being near an ocean (that's definitely something to fact check ... which chemical is it? and how large was the sample size of this study? I should have been a scientist.)

Good night, future self - if nothing else, know this: I'm Trying.

HEY that's an improvement from always telling my co-worker/former bff (miss him) to put "at least she tried" on my gravestone... ya know, like "well i'm going to get this work done or die trying" – okay, enough.

xoxo,
Sammi