maybe baby
As clear as it gets these days anyways.
Wow, that phase of manic frantic thought pouring seems to be over... so interesting to watch my approach to these journal entries evolve, in a lot of ways - how I feel about writing (i.e. is it a chore or something I get excited about) or the topic... right now however what I'm remembering (definitely not at a point where I can handle re-reading anything yet) is how for the past few months my posts went from depressed 'livestreams' to almost manic-feeling 'reality checks' (at least I knew I needed one?) and I'm not sure if this is going to be cyclical or not.
Ideally, I'll start to spend more time organizing the content and making it reader-worthy... but something tells me I'm not quite close enough to being healed enough to get to work. I'm not sure why I was so inspired at 100 days other than just the pink cloud of happiness that couldn't withstand the test of time and mis-treated depression. Or, if I'm being honest with myself, I know I'm still relying too much on adderall even if it doesn't feel like it's having any positive impact... just because it's not helping doesn't mean I'm not reliant on it, and being reliant on any non-prescribed drugs is exactly what I don't want.
I guess I'm worrying now based on my disappointment at not being prescribed Vyvanse after my neurological consult (which did confirm ADD, but apparently since my depression symptoms are so bad they could be causing the ADD severity they want to treat the depression first... makes sense I guess, although the doc had said at some point that the vyvanse could help the depression. I guess that's why he's not the meds guy). I probably should at least go get the Wellbutrin to see if it helps... if it had been vyvanse I'm sure I'd have picked it up already.