meditation x437284
Once again, meditating for the win. Why don't I do daily it yet? Self-sabotage is the only answer I've been able to come up with.
Always a bad sign...
When I have to re-enter my username/password and get a verification code - on this same laptop I have definitely used for past entries! ... Yes, the most recent was awhile ago, but that long? I guess a lot has happened ... I just read an annoyingly accurate round-up of Instagram quotes that are pinging around my head:
The only person coming to save you is the version of yourself that's tired of your current situation.
like okay fine, fucking obviously, but putting it that way is really throwing salt in the wound. How is it possible to be so simply one's own worst enemy? I'm not sure, but I am living it. Still no painkillers though - nothing crazy, sober-ish survival is still just ... idk, the Animal Kingdom without the cool plot-lines like the show (imagine? casual robberies and car chases .... totally romanticizing reality, but still a cool thought). But yeah, IT FUCKING SUCKS. Far too often do I still have the thought "wait, people choose to feel like THIS every day, and continue living?"
...dark? Maybe, but come on don't tell me you haven't been there. If you haven't, I have no idea how or why you're even still reading this post. Ooh what a lovely transition, Jackie Schimmel of The Bitch Bible (aka the only podcast I religiously listen to) would be proud - anyways, I somehow awkwardly circled back to my original reason for writing:
Why am I not doing it (or anything) more often?
The (or anything) is so much to tackle it almost feels like a later problem - I did take 2 benadryl for the massive mosquito and ant bites all over my legs DESPITE religious bug spray and even hemp lotion use. I digress. Why don't I write here? I guess I have journaled occasionally... but where is that journal? I'm not even sure. Hopefully one of of a few places, then I can find it and take pics of whatever my thought processes were over the months since I last wrote here.
I know it feels better to just get my thoughts out and write - even if not here, elsewhere, although here is oddly cathartic at this point because each post feels like its own milestone. To what? No one knows (which really, is true of pretty much everything). Anyways, despite this annoying self-awareness, once again, WHERE IS THE SELF CORRECTION!? I swear, I go to do anything besides curling up with my kindle and my brain just starts shouting at me. Shouting what? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I don't know what it/I'm worried about - nothing? Everything? It's ridiculous - and yet even knowing this, it keeps me from DOING ANYTHING. I essentially hold myself hostage for long periods of time. Thank god for Maige. And great friends, including one who got ducklings- cutest thing ever, you're welcome, BYE!
I wonder if I can get an actual video I took of Penelope, Pete's 2 y/o lab mix (absolute sweetheart, she thinks the ducks are hers) in here (as opposed to just screenshotting my google photos) ...
...the amount of time and effort (and need to use ProPet accounts ... another thing on my 'what am i doing with this' list ... whoops) to even get into tiktok took so long that that clearly converting a phone video to an online video is beyond my skills these days. Remember when I wanted to be a hacker? I meant to use this to learn more ... HAH. It's barely done the job I've changed it to do, help me learn more about how to fix my own insanity. Not that I can blame ... well anyone but myself for that. What else is new? Definite theme of my life lately.... but at least I realize it?
Idk, too many questions and not enough answers. Bed time for me, the only other way to finally quiet the inner mayhem.
xoxo,
Sammi