more mayhem

I don't even want to get into how long it took me to get back into the website editor - to think that all c0uld have been lost due to using a new computer! thank god for google chrome (f you windows for trying to force microsoft edge... not today!)

Anyways, time to do some backfilling based on what I wrote today...

who am I?

I’m pretty sure the following livestream is important for future-me to remember, so, let’s hear it brain: why am I suddenly writing again?

Remind myself who am I? I guess that’s the defining question of life - although spell check is trying to correct to ‘who I am?’ … whatever, the point is (hah, dad) that in coming back to life today I’ve had a lot of thoughts - I guess that’s to be expected when I force myself to stop from losing myself into yet another mystery/thriller on my kindle. Time to find myself! Maybe if I had been in another program I would have gotten to this point sooner, but whatever - after a long june through january, in which later hopefully Future Me can post and re-evaluate with greater mental stability (reminder - meditate!!! C’mon sammi, basics here), I’M BACK!

What changed? NOTHING BUT EVERYTHING - that reminds me of what they say in rehab: you have to change everything. I guess in that sense, maybe I wasn’t ready for recovery? Maybe I don’t need it? My new life goal is to figure out what’s wrong with me (yeah I was lacking a life goal until today - the level of self-awareness in which I am doing so provides a breeding ground for self-recriminations and self-hatred, but I’M TRYING! I woke up today knowing that the mail would finally be delivering my package of pain-removal, and let me tell ya, the subconscious effects? Unreal. “What you are doing is important” - amanda said that to me, and I’ve thought about it a lot, because she’s right. I need to be writing, it’s my lifelime to survival vs. existence vs. “what’s the fucking point?!!?”

Okay, so there’s my shame, but with it came an (obvious now to say it, i guess that is a real theme: true cliches, add it!) reflection: I woke up today feeling like I always do - at first. Then, I woke up again at 10am and just… started doing things. The lack of thinking wasn’t a conscious choice though - that’s the key here. I didn’t think “ugh I have to get up” before I got up.. But how did I trick myself into not over-thinking my life away? … I didn’t mean to, I just was giving in to my vices and my ruined brain that were crying for chemical assistance. Who am I to deny myself freedom from self-inflicted pain? Damn, untangling that thought is going to be hell in therapy… fuck, I need a new therapist! Sober (aka not living) me didn’t care enough to get one, but alive crazy ‘normal’ (although apparently not, if this is the medicated version of me… damn)  me realizes the obvious need to talk all this through with someone outside of myself. Anyways that’s what brought me here - not the adderall substitute I found online, because just knowing that relief was coming was enough to sway even the most annoyingly deep level of unconscious yet conscious thoughts: knowing that some sort of mental freedom from my self-imposed freedom was coming freed me from the non-existent chains binding me to a life of misery. Because despite  being in paradise and there being NOTHING to complain about with my current life circumstances, I’ve still been miserable. Even getting the effort to TRY and change something felt futile. Everything did! And yet, miraculously, knowing that I’d have those pills in my possession soon was enough to snap me back into the land of the living.

I don’t get it. I don’t understand anything about myself, or this situation, which is what finally brought me to the obvious place to find answers: right here. In the world of my future bestseller, where future me will deal with the anxieties of today and I just write my thoughts out to puzzle out the answers to life’s most meaningful questions. Maybe not the most meaningful because they’re pretty philosophy-driven,…. But - wow, computers should not be able to turn off just because of mistakenly hitting the power icon instead of backspace, but I guess this new generation of laptops is pretty swift!

Anyways, what brought me to write finally? The sudden onslaught of thoughts I’ve had today (where were you fuckers before!? How do I sway you to life without some form of future relief in hand?) and the need to get them out of my head. I don’t know how or why my powerfully mysterious brain pulled this off, but I intend to find out - and in doing so, find the answer for “how to have a life in which suicidal thoughts are not as common as bread”. Stay tuned world, I’m going to figure out how to create a new post without the handy bookmark - oh or just download chrome (despite windows desire for me to use ‘microsoft edge’ .. weird) and find the bookmark! Great place to start, time to get all my thoughts from the dark days (aka the short period of sobriety I just had that capped off a miserable year and a half kicking pills) out of the random spots I jotted them down and into the blog. There aren’t a ton, but I know they’re out there… I’ll start with this one :)

time to drop mikey off, but don't worry - I'll be back to upload the array of posts from (drumroll please) ... The Dark Days.