muting myself
The meditation I just listened to was so perfect - time to put to use the lovely things I learned from it.
be a monk
Maybe not exactly a true one, but the takeaway is: talk less. SO MUCH LESS. literally, the depressed days where I don't reply to anyone are better than the acute pain I just caused for myself and poor Mr... idk, my lesson learned? whatever a good name is for a really nice fucking guy that I decided to be a bully to in the name of having self respect/being impatient. (I need to go back and change the 'Mr. Forgetful' - dumbass, if he's forgetful you're Ms. Hostile Threatening Nasty Bitch.) Yes, have self respect... no, do not absolutely lose your fucking shit on someone you've only met once just because they stood you up one night. Sigh. It's the type of cheap stunt I'd normally pull and then say "oh well, content for MFBS..." hey. nothing like realizing I'm contradicting myself while speaking, since I guess it still is that - a cheap stunt... yeah, I mean it was, but the sentence is even more accurate right now, because I actually am writing down the 'content' (if writing all of my deepest darkest insecurities and feelings in the hopes of rewiring my neural pathways counts as content that is). But if I dwell on that any longer I'll jump off a cliff - I said my apologies, my conscience is going to eat me alive about it until the end of time, but otherwise it's time to move on... to being a monk! :) A nice, quiet, CALM monk... because I am now on my way towards inner peace, and operating from a place of inner peace is much better than the current frantic lifestyle I've been working with. Hop to it:
Shockingly, the meditation left me a prayer I want to memorize! There's a win for sure. The meditation was called "for today, just let things be" -- I have my angel to thank for getting me to this personally tailored guided meditation <3 missing you jillybean, but thank you.
A prayer I can appreciate from Abby Willowroot
Right, except it has a real title:
A prayer for Self-Acceptance (nice!):
Universe*, I am fallible, and only human. Sometimes I fail.
My best efforts are not always enough. My best intentions and judgment can be wrong and my sincerest beliefs can be flawed. I am fallible and only human.
Today I ask that I may have the courage to accept my limitations.
May I have the flexibility and insight to change my mind.
May I have the openness to see the truths in beliefs that are not my own
I am only human, but I seek to grow in wisdom and understanding.
May this new day bring me deeper awareness of others and myself.
Amen.
*Note: my autocorrect for 'God' is 'universe' ... PTSD from CCD, it felt wrong not to clarify the change.
How perfect? So perfect. In fact, I need to find a way to make sure I see it more often... I'll write it a bunch of places, that'll help with memorizing too. There were a couple other things said while I was waiting for Tony Bradey to say the name/author of the prayer again that I liked enough to write quickly:
Many problems find their own solutions, and for the ones that don't they will benefit by being touched by a hand of peace.
The present moment is only one breath away. (translation: don't panic, breathe).
And here's what I had started typing in my instagram caption about the meditation (yep, I am free marketing for everything I enjoy):
I hate that I fucked up (lost my sanity/became a bully .. pick your poison, I was horrific) on a good guy when so many others deserve it instead... I tried to pay my guilt away with apologies on venmo. TBD if that makes me feel better or worse tomorrow, but it did provide relief today... ughhh so it was instant gratification and i’ll r- no no no. manifest sammi. he deserved the apology and more, it’s the best option I had. Right? yes, literally yes because any other answer will just mean a 99% chance of making everything worse. i'm a monk, i'm a monk, i'm a monk....
Why do I hate myself?
Self-sabotage, why am I doing that? In the moment, did I truly want to end things because he wouldn't come see me that day? Of course not. So why the fuck did I? Calm calm calm... I guess because my pride was wounded, and I thought that I'd have no self respect if I didn't stand up for myself after being postponed then blown off. Instead, I lost absolutely all of my self-respect anyways by thinking that just because it was over with someone I should let loose all of my insanity - or even before that, I acted in the heat of the moment despite him literally trying to get me to agree to just talk Monday. sigh. wouldn't that be nice to look forward to tomorrow? times like these, I suck at remembering what's tattooed on the back of my neck- Alright, buck up, I never said this was going to be fun to honestly answer, just that it's ideally going to help me avoid continuing to self-sabotage (again, I so deeply wish I had flipped out on someone deserving of it... there's so many assholes I can think of, why oh why did I have to assume that he was another Mr. Tall just being a fake nice guy despite really being an asshole... SAMMI! enough, this is NOT being a monk!).
Alright clearly since I'm still wishing I hadn't ruined it I need to think a bit more about this. Was I not ready to date? I know I've been purposely keeping my feelings out of the equation until my date with him went so well - hell, I hadn't even gone on a real date! It does really fucking hurt that I had such a fun day and was so happy to think that I had finally figured out the whole 'right way to date' (as if the fact we didn't even kiss helped me at all... nope, because my self-sabotage included using that to call him gay. I literally hate myself SO MUCH. WHY!?!?!? I guess I wanted him to be prodded into responding... sigh. MONK. silence is key from now on!!) only to ruin it ever so quickly. Well then what the fuck is going to help me feel better? In one way, I already am by being here because I'm FINALLY working on myself instead of venmo-ing him apologies - which I'm getting increasingly nervous about... he acknowledged the first ones and literally said no hard feelings but stop sending me money yet I just had to get one last sentence in... but I really did want to make sure he knew that I did not actually mean any of the awful things I said! I don't want to be responsible for killing anyone's confidence just because I kill my own!
What do I do then? ... my god, this is never going to be a bestseller if I just contradict myself on a repeating cycle of topics... I ANSWERED THIS! BE A MONK!
So that's my lesson, shut the fuck up?
Literally yes. In all aspects of life. Not even just with words, but with actions - stop doing just to do. True cliche per usual, but seriously: work smarter not harder.... or as jordan says, half-ass it with all you've got (i think).
No escaping that quickly - how do I hold myself accountable for this? ... ah, that's what therapy's for. Off to talkspace I go!
P.S. Don't think I forgot about the elephant in my brain... I am on medical leave to figure out what I want to do with my life/career, so let's put dating on the backburner now that I established yes I want to be with someone a bit more than casually. There we go, practicing patience already! Win.
p.p.s. if I ever somehow find this funny, I should copy in all the notes of saved apologies from trying to get them down to 280 characters on twitter.