My Angel - Something Real to Write About

My head is spinning with terribly annoying philosophical thoughts, but this is important. I don't think I ever posted the mayhem I sent to Fadi, the friend of Jill's father (note to self: get in touch with him soon) for the dance he's creating as the next fundraiser event for The Jillian Foundation. This is what I want to spend my time doing: 'finding myself' (i HATE how often cliche's are true/the only way to express the thought well enough) in the company of people who have the same passions in life.

I struggle with the concept of religion (I won't bother with the high thought tangent I had about nature v nurture when I first thought this), but I'd be a fool if I could not acknowledge it's importance in living instead of just existing - in recovery of course, but I don't want my life to be defined by something I'm not doing. Thankfully, I have an angel, and she guided me and my antisocial-self to her amazing dad, Alan once again to save me from dying a long existence of anxious depressed days (dramatic, yes.. but really, I need a lifeline and thinking about this is it right now). So, I'll shut up now and just attach the mess of half finished thoughts/files I sent him via email... everything worth it hurts, and the feelings that come up when I think about the years I spent high aren't light and shiny. I wish I could express the pain on paper somehow - I'm trying with words, but they're so inadequate (earlier stoned thought: this is why art is so important). The pain of what? Idk, being alive? no no, rule #1 is life is a blessing, c'mon now Sammi... Mentally ill? I guess, but labels aren't for me (says everyone with a negative label... what's negative? it's subjective based on what anyone likes... idk where I'm going with that. Another thought that died in my head- thank you Molls, you bet I just thought "fuck that thought."

Now where the hell is this email... okay I found it! I guess the best way to do this is to make it a separate post... but I'll have to avert my eyes from reading it to avoid having another breakdown tonight (hahhhh... ha).

**side note while it's loading: I just got such satisfaction out of the thought "hah, I pay the bills" that I smirked.

AH, "Addiction Insights" ... fitting subject, wonder how long it took me to think of that one.

I cannot believe how difficult concentrating is right now. Am I going to blame the weed? No, because it's the only reason I calmed down enough to actually upload this. So I should probably stop myself from yelling at me (because that's not an absurd statement or anything).

THOUGHT TANGENT 1:

Serious question because I got sidetracked to pay a credit card bill and I need to remember to ask someone this even though it's (on the surface!) a dumb question: If you have no idea your identity has been stolen and you never find out, does it matter? Hypothetically speaking of course, why would anyone spend time investigating whether or not they've been a victim of identity theft? Isn't that one of those things that's better left dealt with if it happens? No you idiot, because there are ways to prevent it. Nice, solved one!

THOUGHT TANGENT 2:

Fine, I'll update my income for my Chase credit cards when it asks, because I don't plan on having a reason to hide any large transactions... unfortunately/yet :) I really wish I didn't get such a thrill from that. Sigh. Working on it...

In Conclusion...

I have an angel named Jill. She's keeping me from teetering off the edge of sanity with lifelines from her father, and that's why I'm able to do more than just exist. Thanks Jillybean, and thank you my sweet universe for giving me something bigger to live for. If that's not religion/faith/prayer, then nothing is for me.